Dear Diary,

"Control"

Today we watched the movie "Control" in class, about Ian Curtis's life. The movie was really sad, I felt really bad for pretty much all the characters honestly. But what really shocked me is the reactions of my classmates. I think that they were cruel. I really tried to understand each character's personality, their way of thinking, and I could deeply imagine the emotions they were going through. Including Ian Curtis. And, sometimes during the movie, I could really relate to him. There are two scenes that specifically won't leave my mind. The one when he's having sex with his wife and, all of a sudden, he just starts bursting into tears. I could really feel all his pain seeing him so vulnerable, all crooked up in his bed, tears falling down his eyes and covering up his face. I felt like crying too. But in the class, the scene made people really confused. It made Flavie laugh. And I felt so bad because I saw myself in him. The way I can just completely switch without even expecting it, the way I can just break down and burst into tears in a second, even when I thought I was doing better. I think everyone thought of him as insane. It felt like everyone thought of me as insane too. During the movie, I could hear people wishing his death. They knew it was coming but they were frustrated it wasn't coming yet. They kept waiting for it to happen. Before hanging himself, Ian Curtis had a really bad epileptic seizure. He just fell on the floor, foam coming out of his mouth, head directed towards the ground. He was lying down without any control on his body, and once again, I saw myself in him. I pictured myself lying down on the floor or in the bathtub, coughing, almost vomiting, not being able to breathe and slowly losing control of my body because of the spasmophilia attack, tears rolling down on my face, and my hands. I could understand him. How tiring it was, how scary too. And I understood how it was too much for him and why he had wanted to end it. After his seizure, he killed himself. People in the class kept saying he deserved it. Some of them almost sounded like they were relieved. When we talked about it later, I explained to my classmates that I felt bad for Ian Curtis, that I could feel his pain, and that nobody deserves to die that way. Tony said that it's not because he was a star he didn't deserve to die. I thought to myself, everyone would think I'm fucking out of my mind if they could see how I'm doing when I'm alone in my bedroom. And I'm thinking, are they wrong for not feeling bad for him? Or am I for relating?

2023, November 7th