Devil Dog MC #6 When a Man Loves a Man

Will He Die?

TW: Mention of suicide

Rocky

    Sunshine had come back to my room and we sat around shooting the shit.  She started telling me about her boyfriend I reminded her of. I could tell she was in love with him and most likely still in love with him.  I asked her "So you seem to still love him.  What happened to you guys?"  She let a few tears fall before telling me he was dead.  I hugged her to me "I am sorry Sunshine."  She pulled back and told me it happened when she was nineteen.  I threw her words back at her.  I told her that I am a good listener if you need someone to talk to .  She laughed before sharing their story.  It turned out their families were close growing up.  They had all assumed that Seth and her would marry one day.  She explained they were best friends more than anything.  She loved him and he loved her but not in the same way.  Pressure from the family caused him to ask her to marry him.  She explained they had been planning a wedding.  However three months before the wedding he killed himself.  She told me everyone was shocked but she said she had noticed things about him.  She blames herself for not confronting him about it.  I asked her "What things did you notice?"  She went on to tell me she had noticed he was not into sex with her.  She lost her virginity to him when she was eighteen but after that they only had sex two more times.  He had told her that he wanted to wait until marriage so they waited.  She had noticed he was spending more and more time with a guy friend instead of her.  One day she went to his apartment to talk to him because something just didn't feel right.  He didn't answer the door but she knew he was home so she let herself in.  She walked in on him and his guy friend having sex.  He flipped out and she ran out.  She didn't tell anyone in the family though.  She just called off the engagement.  She told everyone she was not ready.  The family did not take it well and convinced Seth to talk her into it.  Seth had convinced her that he was just experimenting and he was sorry.  She forgave him and the wedding was back on.  He was supposed to meet her for a counseling session that the church required before a wedding.  He never showed up so she went to go find him.  She found him hanging from the ceiling and a suicide note on the floor.  I asked her "Why did he do it?"  She said he was gay but hid it because their families were big time church people.  He didn't want her to hate him so he never told her.  She laughed when she said but she could never hate him.  He felt he had no way out of what was expected from him because he loved the boy she had caught him with.  He explained though that he had not been with him again after that night because he promised he wouldn't do it again.  He had tried talking to his parents about his sexuality but they would not hear of it.  She said she was angry at all of them when it came out that they all knew he was gay but refused to accept it.  I hated to hear that even her own parents knew the truth.  She left after his funeral has not spoken to any of them.  She does speak to the guy that he was in love with once a year on Seth's birthday.  I have to ask why she felt I reminded her of him.  I asked "Why do I remind you of Seth?"  She smiles and holds my cheek.  She tells me because you light up just like he did when he would talk to me about Leo his boyfriend.  She then asked me the question that I didn't want to answer "Rocky do you have feelings for Tim?"  I stand up and turn away from her.  I have been asking myself that question too.  I don't understand what is going on.  I turned to look at her and answered honestly "I am not sure.  I don't understand what I am feeling."  Sunshine asked "Have you ever been with a man?"  I shake my head no.  She asked me "Have you ever thought about being with a man?"  I can't tell her how many times I have thought about being with Tim.  She walks over to me holding my hand "Rocky it's okay it will stay with me, it might help to talk about it."  I sit down and hang my head.  I answered her truthfully "Yes but it just started so I don't understand it all."  She started to say something to me but her phone rang.  She told me she had to take it and stepped outside.  She came back in within a minute.  She said "We have to get to the hospital now!"  We take off and I am just hoping against hope that Bea is okay.