To Catch Your Fall | Heathoah

44. Explained, but not Excused

TW: Mentions of child abuse and homophobia

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"This is something I've never really talked to anyone about."

"But, it's about time that I confronted it."

"My dad he...isn't the nicest person."

"He's made it obvious over the years how he feels about queer people. I mean, you'd know that in our family better than anyone."

"Even though him and my mom split up years ago, I hated any weekend that I had to spend at his house."

"I've known for awhile that I...also like guys."

"But, I had to do anything I could so he wouldn't find out."

"I saw what he did to you...and I know it was my fault he knew in the first place. "

"There was one time when he was out for the night when I was spending a few days at his place. I invited a friend of mine from school over, thinking he wouldn't be back for hours."

"Don't know why I did it, maybe just to see how he would react if I came out."

"You can probably tell how that ended. The two of us had been messing around for a few months at the time. We were only just kissing then, but..."

"We stopped after that. It was his decision more than mine. If anything, even though my dad beat the shit out of me, I wanted to rebel against him. To prove that he didn't hold any power over who I am as a person."

"That is a completely shit thing for me to do. And I get if you never want to speak to me again after this. I...just wanted you to finally know."

"That is, until he found pictures of you on my phone. He could do whatever he wanted to me, I didn't care after that. If I had to play the pathetic "straight" son for him, then so be it. Just as-long as he didn't go after you.

~~~

Noah

"You...you-I...what?" 

James looks at me with an expression that I don't think I've seen on his face in years: Relief.

As much as I didn't want to admit it, Finn was right. Ever since I caught the two of them fucking, I've been missing James so much. Despite how much he has hurt me, I knew I'd regret it if I didn't talk to him soon.

So, after the team got through to the finals, I went looking for him.

Though I don't think I was prepared for what he was going to say.

"Your dad...he, he did that to you? " Taking a step closer, I don't think twice before taking one of his hands in mine. It feels smooth, vulnerable. As if he has just shed. 

I feel a small gasp escape him with the action, but he doesn't pull away. No, not this time. 

"Yeah, I mean, it was kind of a daily thing. But the two times he found out what I was doing were the worst ones." There isn't that usual chuckle he let's out when he usually finds himself being too vulnerable. I always hated it, like it was hiding how bad he was hurting. 

Now it makes me more scared than anything.

"Why didn't you tell anyone? Why didn't you tell me?" I whisper.

When his face flicks up and I see into those sullen eyes, I think my heart breaks. 

"Like I told you, he's a scary motherfucker. I wanted to keep you safe." His voice is gruff and slow. It sounds like he is choking. 

"You don't have to do that James. I can handle myself. Especially if it means you don't have to deal with shit like this."

I can't believe it. All this time, I've been so pissed at him for "leading me on". I never stopped once to think that maybe that wasn't so true. 

And that moment is when he says the thing that makes it seem like he ripped my heart right out of my chest and threw it down the elevator.

"But, what if he found you after seeing that pic of us? Even though we've known each-other forever, I always made sure to keep you away from him. You...you're my best-fucking-friend, Noah! I love you too much to let that abusive prick ruin you like he did me!"

And finally, the barricades protecting his doors break, and I pull him right into my chest and he bleeds into the hole he just created.

~~~

Izzy

What is hearing to a person anyway? It's not like it's a necessity. There are plenty of other ways to communicate. Sure, it may be difficult, but you could learn sign language. 

What about sight? Brail is a thing, so you're not missing out on reading, and you can still hold a conversation with another person.

And if you don't need either, than why do we make such a big deal about family too? 

If you don't get on with them,, you can just make a group of friends instead. Half of the time they don't disappoint you nearly as much as your blood relatives. And, even if they do, at-least it's easy to cut them out of your life. 

Family is always just there. Always just trying to dig their way into your bones, even if you just want to rip them out after how many fucking times they've fucking hurt you! They refuse to accept they do anything wrong and act like you're the sensitive one. Because god forgive you hate them when they use you as as an experiment to see if your parents are homophobic or not!

"You...you fucking asshole!" It rips out of my throat with such a n impact that it always sends Oswald to the floor. Just where he belongs.

"Izzy, please! I know I'm a piece of work. Everything I've done has been so out of line and there's no excuse for it, but-

"You're right! There's no excuse for it! You're supposed to be the older one. The big brother that protects me from bigoted assholes like father. But no! Instead, you were too much of a pussy to accept who you really are, and inflicted that same hate from him onto other people!

"Other people that are both your and his family!"

For once. For once in his entire pathetic fucking life. Oswald is silent. 

As always, he is such a coward. Acting all big and tough by terrorising people for doing the same things that he does behind closed doors. 

"You know what else were right about?" I weep out a chuckle. "I never want to see you again after this! Have a great fucking life with Kingston, Oswald!"