Haunted

n e w y e a r s a m e m e

𖤣𖥧𖡼𖤣𖥧 Gabriella 𖤣𖥧𖡼𖤣𖥧

"I started to skip lunch, stopped eating cake on birthdays"

It was the first day of 2005, as well my seventeenth birthday and I felt terrible.

Not only was I hungover but I was also reeling over my chat with Joey last night. I was seated in a booth at Biddies with Aoife and Katie on either side of me. Gibsie and Hughie were across from us and Casey was back to dancing with Patrick.

"She's so mad at me!" Gibsie groaned, leaning his head against the table. "She disappeared from the party last night and won't talk to me now."

She being Adeline, and after his dancing with Claire, I wasn't all that surprised.

"Serves you right for dancing with my sister." Hughie shot back with a scowl on his face.

I stared at him, trying to put together why Joey was so confused that him and Katie were together. I guess maybe he thought Hugh's personality was too over the top for a girl like Katie, but who was he to judge.

Him and I were polar opposites as well.

"Listen, Gibsie," Aoife spoke. "If you really like this Adeline girl, then why bother dancing with Claire?"

"Excellent question," Hughie nodded.

"Because I'm an eejit." He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hand. "A giant one."

"Clearly." Aoife agreed, sipping on a vodka redbull.

I leaned back in the booth and ran a hand through my hair, trying to ignore the strands that ended up tangled around my fingers. It was something I was very familiar with and one of the cons to starving myself.

It was stupid, really. I knew I had to eat, I knew it nourished my body and it was something needed to survive. Yet here I was, surviving off tea, juice and the occasional alcoholic drink.

I was struggling. I knew that much. I just couldn't bring myself to eat. Nothing made me feel as good as stepping on that scale and seeing the number get lower. I didn't care that it made me weak, or that my hair was falling out, or that I could barely take a flight of stairs without passing out. To me, being thin was what mattered—pleasing Mam was what mattered.

I knew I had an eating disorder and I knew it was probably anorexia, but I didn't want to get help. I wanted to keep losing weight, I wanted to keep being thin. These days, I could barely stand looking at myself in the mirror. Every time I did, I wanted to tear off my skin and start over.

But I couldn't do that. So, the next best thing was being hungry.

New year, same me.

"Gabs, now that you're seventeen, you can drive us for late night McDonalds trips!" Gibsie perked up, grinning.

My seventeenth birthday gift from my parents was a brand new BMW. I hadn't asked for a car but of course my Mam had a point to prove—even though I went to public school, we were still wealthy.

"Is that what being seventeen entails?" I laughed, taking a sip of my vodka cranberry.

"In my eyes, yeah!" He smiled.

"Why not get Cap to take you?" Hughie offered.

"How is Johnny?" I asked, looking to Gibsie.

Johnny had a procedure a few weeks back, and was working on healing up before the start of school.

"He's alright. I was there right before this and Grace was heading into his room as I was leaving. So, I'm sure he's throughly annoyed." Gibsie laughed.

"I bet." I joined in on the laughter, ignoring the effort it took.

"I feel so out of the loop." Aoife sighed, looking between the four of us.

"Grace is Adeline's best friend that happens to be in love with her brother Johnny." I explained.

"Wait, that's so cute! Gibsie loves his best friend's sister and the sister's best friend loves her brother?" Aoife squealed, "that's the cutest thing ever."

"Except for the fact none of them are even together," Hughie shrugged.

"Why must you be such a downer?" Gibsie scoffed. "Addy is practically mine."

"Heavy on the practically," Hughie mumbled.

"Shut your hole or I'll go after your sister," Gibsie narrowed his eyes.

"Gabs, get your ass on the dance floor!" Casey shouted, backing it up on Patrick as she spoke. "It's your seventeenth and you're wasting it."

I opened my mouth to protest, knowing that I barely had enough energy to stand, let alone dance, but Aoife grabbed my hand and yanked me out of the booth.

The second I was on my feet black spots took over my vision, and my legs nearly gave out. I blinked the spots away and inhaled a few steadying breaths.

I reluctantly followed after Aoife to where Casey and Patrick were. All I wanted to do was sit down, and cry.

As pathetic as it was, I missed Joey. We might've been fighting but a part of me wanted him here. It was my birthday and I loved him.

But I had made it clear I didn't want him coming tonight. I had to try and protect my peace, and my heart. Even though, I was now regretting that decision. Joey could ruin my peace and break my heart a million times and I'd still be addicted to him.

Aoife grabbed my hand and spun me in circles, my heart beating so rapidly I thought it might explode. I was sure my heart rate was well over 100 beats per minute, something that was quite alarming considering I was barely moving.

I tried to shut my eyes to stop the dizziness washing over me but it only worsened it. This was my breaking point, I had to give in—I had to eat.

I'd order a salad with no dressing, just to get me by. I didn't need anything more, I didn't deserve it.

Not when I could be thinner.
Not when I could be prettier.

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i actually hate this chapter and it took me so long to write and it's so short (iykyk)

ignore it, i'm trying to get to the good stuff

i love you

xoxo

-Freyja