I'd Kill You First: when bad meets bad

Chap. 39

SODA:

"Do you remember when you first came to me?"

I sucked in a breath and blushed a little, having been caught staring at his beautiful features as he slept. I hadn't expected him to open his eyes, much less speak yet. I propped my chin on his chest and continued to stare up at him, eyelashes brushing his cheek bones as his eyes stayed closed. He looked so peaceful, so not wanting to shatter the moment, I just smiled to myself and hummed back to him.

A half smile played on his red lips, eyes still closed, as he took in a deep breath. "You pulled up on that motorcycle of yours and slid out of your helmet, and the moment I saw your face, I just knew... I was a goner."

I smiled and kissed his muscled chest, loving the way he shuddered in response because he just couldn't help himself. I didn't say anything, knowing him well enough that he was trying to get something off his mind and wasn't done talking yet.

"You didn't even know who I was," he continued, "We were just two kids at a party. But, you were so out of your mind crazy that night, everyone knew you by the end of the party, guys were drooling at your feet, the gang kept pointing you out all the time, and I just couldn't keep my eyes off you."

He let out an airy laugh as his eyes fluttered behind their lids like he was reliving it in his mind. "You danced like no one was there, you sang like there was no way in hell you weren't a famous pop star, and you just lived like there was no tomorrow. I... I wanted you so bad, wanted to be like that, and I just had to know you. Then..." he trailed off a little, clearing his throat with a faint frown, making my heart squeeze. "Then you sank into the darkness, into the night, like you had never been there, and I followed you. I found you in an alley, dumping a body behind a bunch of junk, like you were just taking out the trash or something." My mind begged my mouth to tell him to stop, to let me forget, but my mouth didn't listen as he mumbled on. "When you saw me standing there, you just stopped and stared at me with your head tilted to the side, a funny look on your face, and then I'll never forget... You walked right up to me so that I could see the bruise forming on your face and the blood dripping from your nose, and then you said 'I can't do it unless I'm too drunk to care, but I'd kill you first before you ever got the chance to tell this to anyone'. And then you walked away as if nothing happened, and I... I just had to have you. You were this little bundle of fucked up that I just loved from the moment I saw you, and I've never stopped loving you since then."

I started to say something, but he put his fingers on my lips without opening his eyes as if he knew I was going to speak. His face was no longer peaceful, but strained and hurt, the point to his little trip down memory lane coming to a close. I braced myself with uncertainty as I waited for his next words.

"Your first sentence to me was a death threat," his voice cracked, "And that death threat became the biggest inside joke we have between the two of us, but Princess..." he opened his pain filled eyes and looked at me with an unmeasurable amount of terror in his gaze, "Baby... It's not a joke," he choked out, eyes misty, "because it never occurred to me that someone else had the same threat out for you. Soda, you - you almost died in my arms, and I never felt so lost. It hurt so bad, Soda, when I thought that you..."

I cut him off by wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my lips to his, tasting his pain and fear as he kissed me back. That might have been the most words Matt had ever said at once to anyone, and it crushed the pieces of my heart even more for him. I had scared him. It was me. I had made him into what he was now. I had stolen the fight out of him.

I broke my Matt, and I hadn't even realized it.

I pulled away and leaned my forehead against his, shaking my head fiercely back and forth. "You didn't lose me, Mattie, I'm right here," I murmured. "I'm not going anywhere."

"But they had you, Soda," he croaked, eyes boring into mine, "They had you and I wasn't there to-"

"Shhhh," I whispered before pressing my lips to his again to hush him. I forced my swirling thoughts from my head. I was dying to know what he meant by 'they had me' and who and what he was talking about, but I couldn't make him go through that again. I didn't know what I had put him through, but whatever it was, I wouldn't make him relive it.

"This isn't your fault," I said firmly. "It's just not. No. And we are going to move on and be okay and live our lives to the fullest and get drunk and dance on tables and just, I don't know, be wild crazy fools!"

I looked down at Matt from my now straddling position to see him staring up at me with those amazing shining eyes, and my breath caught in my pipes. Oh those eyes, so, so beautiful. The look on his face couldn't be described as anything but adoration as he ran his fingers through my hair.

"God I love you," he breathed.

I blushed and let a small smile slip onto my face. "I love you too," I whispered, watching his eyes just plain ignite with sparks, "but I'd kill you first before you tell that to anyone. Can't have them thinking I've gone soft or anything." I smirked.

He pulled me down on top of him and murmured in my ear, "Dually noted."

I giggled as he threw the sheets sloppily over our heads, entrapping us in a world of white as he kissed me senseless. We got into a teasing wrestling match until finally we made one roll too many and toppled into the floor, completely tangled up in the sheets and each other.

"Alright you two fuck buddies," Brody yelled from what sounded like the living room, "stop banging each other senseless and get out here before I lose my mind watching Degrassi!"

Matt and I looked at each other in mock horror at being caught before falling over each other in laughter, scrambling to find which articles of clothing belonged to who.

As we made our way to the door, Matt wrapped his arms around me from behind and placed a gentle kiss on my temple. "It's good to hear you laugh."

I let out a breath and smiled. It felt good to laugh, too. It really did.

But at the back of my mind, as we sauntered into the kitchen to eat a late breakfast, teasing Brody and cracking an egg on the floor, as I got back into the routine of the only life I really remembered, I couldn't help but think I was missing something. Someone. A piece was missing to everything, like a dark shadow looming over my shoulder.

Just what was it that I couldn't remember? Did I truly not know?

Or was I just choosing to forget?