Finding you within me

chapter three

chapter three

in these situations I wonder how they could possibly get any worse. i am stuck here, in this eerie chair at the back of the class, with the ever-so-annoying teacher that won't just frankly, shut the hell up. it's not that i don't like this place, it's just rather i don't like the people in this place.

plus, some strange new girl arrives into the room. she has a really weird demeanour, and i can't really get my head around it...

       i mean, she has this kind of essence attached to her, which kinda sticks with her as she opens the classroom door. her petite figure reminds me of audrey hepburn – both very beautiful people. but when you think about it, i'm not really calling her beautiful, it's just the state she's in is what i am labelling as beautiful.

       that's another downside of me, (and my bipolar quite frankly), that i find it compulsory to judge every single soul in front of me. like, if you were to name someone in this very classroom, i could tell you all my assumptions and un-prejudiced judgements on them. e.g. Oh yeah Jane! Well, I ponder sometimes if she'S really human or not, i mean her razor canine teeth often make her seem to be a vampire.

       in all seriousness though, perhaps i should really assert myself from making assumptions about people when i see them.

       but i can't do that when this girl takes a seat next to me. i notice – not that i'm looking overly at her — that she has really nice brown hair, with those typical curls most girls have lying at the bottom, resting just above her shoulders. and although she looks like a right classy bitch, she looks tranquil and peaceful, at the same time too.

       she doesn't bother to make petty conversation, not that i would in her case anyways. so, taking the lead, i strike up conversation:

       me: oh hey there! i'm ryan, who are you?

      fuck! i realise how cringe and cliché that sounds. the normal bullshitty hey-i-don't-know-you-at-all-but-i'm-just-making-conversation-because-it's-awkward-if-i-don't scenario. i sit back in my chair, and sigh with a spice of shame.

       the new girl: hi......i'm lydia
me:  that's a really cool name, kinda original; i like it

       no, no i do not like it at all. it reminds me too much of rose from titanic, and hey that was a TERRIBLE film. as if i want to reminisce those 2 painful hours of watching it!

    lydia:  thanks, but i hate it.
me:  really? wow! i like know no one who hates their name...
lydia:  yeah, it's far too original. it kinda reminds me of medieval times and stuff; ew

       as our conversation flows along, i find it increasingly easier to talk to lydia. she's different from the rest, but i like that. and she seems like she actually doesn't  have any bitchy qualities about her.

       me:  so with this being your first day and all, do you know anyone here?
lydia:  yeah, i have my step-sister daisy, she keeps on trying to match me up with boys already, and it's super gross
me: yeah not to disappoint you or anything, but a lot of boys here are dicks – some are okay though
lydia: i'm not really looking for a relationship now......

shit, did i just hit a nerve? instantly, lydia draws herself back and starts to close off. i almost feel sorry for her a little, i wonder if she's like this with many people, opens herself up and then closes off....

but i can't help it, something about her draws me in, like a magnet...

i do the only thing what seems right, and make a sly joke:

me: so you're arelationshipnal then?

lydia does not look impressed, at all.

lydia: what...the...heck does that...mean?

me: it's like asexual in a way. asexuals aren't sexually attracted to anyone, but if you're arelationshipnal, then you're not attracted/don't want a relationship because of all the problems and stress it would cause.

lydia: right...i'd rather not define myself but okay....

lydia seems to be...defiant. but that's okay for the first day, if i was new meat here i would be shitting my pants by now.

me: it's okay to be a lil nervous you know?

lydia: i know...trust me...

       i feel like brightening our grey-ish conversation up, like sunlight breaching through the dark sky. so when i don't open my mouth for roughly around 10 seconds, lydia gases at me (for the first time actually), and i smile at her.

       and she smiles too, believe it or not.

       me:  when you feel nervous, just try to imagine that no one is in the classroom. pretend they're not in front of you, when you have to introduce yourself again – it really does make things easier.

       she smiles brighter this time.

    lydia:  i'll keep that in mind, ryan.