Finding you within me

chapter seven

       i could feel the abundance of questions boiling in my head; questions revolving around lydia.

       she looked so pure, fragile—even, when we had gym together. and i could only think of this during that intense session. in fact, with certainty, i can say—with my heart's approval—that i was completely, most definitely mesmerised by her existence. for my eyes had never gazed upon someone as truly magnificent as she was.

       but my obsession with lydia was just beginning.

       she sat next to me in biology, almost shrinking in her seat — as if the chair was absorbing her. my eyes could barely resist her. she was a magnet, a magnet which held my attention throughout biology. a living, beautiful —and yet strangely—platonic magnet.

       for a second, i could hear an amiable breath escape her lips. "e-excuse me, but c-can you not...stare at me, please?"

       my head swivelled round to her. and in that moment, i could feel my cheeks becoming the kind of tomato-red colour. but that didn't matter, for what lydia had just requested of me was far more important.

       "oh...yeah, sorry. it wasn't intentional or anything." i coughed. i was actually trying to dupe lydia in to thinking that me ogling her was pure accident. hopefully, god, hopefully i wasn't coming across as creepy, because after all: i didn't need another student thinking i was mentally unwell.

       she nodded. i didn't expect her to say anything more, but when she did, (and god, her voice was stunning) i could feel my heart flutter and flap like a butterfly. her voice was stunning , and rather gracefully quiet; it spoke of tragedy, and extreme loss. "i need a pen — do you...have one?"

       unfortunately, i didn't. however, fortunately for lydia, i gave her my pen instead. and with the exchange of it, i swear that when our fingers touched for the slightest of a second, that fierce sparks ignited within my bloodstream—soaring through my veins and pulsing through my arteries, in the most swift motion i could ever imagine.

        lydia smiled for a microsecond, but as soon as she realised i gave her my pen, that very smile faded. "so what are you going to do without a pen?"

       i shrugged my shoulders. "write with my blood instead? it's very viscous though, so i should imagine it'll stain easily."

       she almost, ALMOST chuckled at this.

      "you shouldn't be so cocky. some people will find that offensive, especially self-harmers." she briskly said, her voice stoic and slightly hoarse.

       my heart almost stopped. had i offended her? maybe i shouldn't have said that. no, no no no: i REALLY should not have said that.

      "yeah...i didn't think of that—sorry."

      "don't apologise to me. instead, you should be apologising to the people who you've just offended. i think that's a pretty good pathway to walk, if i'm honest."

       the bile in my throat was heating up at that point.

      "well, what else is there to do? should i casually throw my arms up in the air!? apologising to thin air? BEGGING for forgiveness?"

       lydia threw me a sharp, omnipotent glare that nearly sliced through the tense atmosphere that we were stuck in. "and yet you still continue to be cocky? vain, even!"

      "oh my days, can we just drop this now?" i exclaimed, shying away from my mistake. "look, you seem like a nice girl, and from what i've seen, you're incredibly smart. and i really don't want to argue with you. and that's the point: why are you so hurt over a stupid joke i made? no, wait no—just forget i said that."

       at this point, she was full-on sitting sideways—sending death stares my way.

      "seriously!? you're just going to be so passive-aggressive? why can't you stop being cocky? what's wrong with you?"

       plenty of things are wrong with me, darling, i thought. "well, unlike you, i have been through so much shit that i cannot be fucking asked to be polite anymore! my skin has become so hard and calloused!l

       she looked like she was about to explode.

      "how dare you assume that i've been through nothing!? my life has been SHIT. my friends have traded me, replaced me, for someone entirely different. COUNTLESS times."

      "blah, blah, blah and blah. yeah, yeah—i get it. i mean, it's not exactly a tragic love story, but fair enough. i'm sorry for assuming your life."

      "oh, believe me: i've been through more than that." lydia added, her voice stone-cold with bitterness in it.

       i was intrigued. "what, like...love? you're telling me you've been heartbroken or something?"

      "don't."

      "don't what?"

      "don't bring that up, thank you."

     "why not? just tell me what you've been through, and we can finally drop this—both of us acknowledging each other's past."

       lydia seemed on the verge of crying. i needed to rethink my steps. if only i could reverse time.

      "it's not that s-simple." she began to wipe a foreign tear sliding down her cheek. and then, all in one motion, she lurched for her bags and stood up—her feet solid on the ground. "look, i can't do this; not here, not now."

       and with that sudden outburst and tense parenthesis, she stormed out of the room.

       i was shocked, flabbergasted, even. my head was thumping and my instincts were shaming me. me and my stupid conscience caused this in the first place! if only i had kept my mouth shut, proverbially zipping it, just to be safe.