Finding you within me

Chapter 14

Lydia:

My fingers touch the keys and everything is like it should be, I could feel the pain from all over my body coming to my fingers and flowing on the keys. If it wasn't for my hands shaking it would of been perfect. I close my eyes breathing in and out and try to imagine it all away, to just try and imagine me and this melody but two people stay permanently on my mind. I finish the song leaving my hands on the keys until I know it's finished. Till I feel the pain rushing back into me. I wraps my arms around me hoping that no one was watching me, that nobody heard the music. But one set on eyes was staring at me.

Mrs bellow walks up to me looking 'That was amazing Lydia, you should join us.'

'Thanks but no thanks, my stage fright is bad enough already without having to preform in front of everyone every week.'

'Well if you change you mind you are always welcome here, we would love someone with your talent.'  She walks away swiftly and goes over to Ryan.

The fact he's in the room annoys me, the one week I decide to come he has to.  Fate is a bitch.

I pull my bag off the floor and throw it on to my shoulder. If I walk really fast I might just be able to get out of here before he has a chance to catch up. But then again I'm wrong about everything, I turn my head to look around to see him, his eyes locked onto me like I'm his pray.

I've heard girls talk about me, they think I'm weird for turning him down, for running away from him. The often call me name but it doesn't affect me anymore. I don't think there is anything else they can do to hurt me anymore.

I just walk around my thoughts aren't even there, all I think about is getting away from them.

And even though it was Alex who broke my heart I seem to like him more than I do Ryan.

Maybe it's because Ryan can hurt me while Alex has already killed my heart.

I walk through the double doors and out of this hell. Hopefully Ryan will have to walk a different way from me.

I don't even look around to know that he will be there, If fate has my path he will be.

'You still not talking to me?' he jogged up to me and i look at him. His hair is perfect as always, it almost makes me self consensus about my own hair.

'I dunno are you still lieing?' He lets out a sigh

'I made one mistake, and you push me away' He's right all he did was tell Alex he was my boyfriend but it was the fact he did that, that he needed to be with me that makes me want to be further away from him.

i ignore his question i don't know how to answer. Yes it's true but there is so much more. We just walk in silence i don't know if he was waiting for an answer or just trying to figure me out but he won't.

'Do you push everyone away that could care for you or is it just me?'

'That's not fair.' he laughs, it was only a small laugh but still.

'That's not fair? whats not fair is that you push me away when all i wanna do is help, How is that fair?'

'Did i ask for you help? No so just leave me alone.'

'i worry about you' you can hear the grief in his voice.

'You don't know me, so stop pretending you do!' we get to my house.

i open the gate to walk in when Ryan starts to mutter some swear words,i look around to were he was staring to see Alex waiting at my door.

'Hey lydia, we need to talk.' i look back and forth between them but start walking towards my door.

i stare at Alex his blue eyes stare into my soul, like he is reading me. I grab the keys and unlock the door the signal for him to walk in.

'Lydia dont do this.' i don't know if i'm letting Alex in because i want him in or because i want to get back at Ryan. But what would i be getting back at him for.

'you can't control me.' i take a step inside the door.

'lydia please i'm begin you don't go in there.' I shut the door on him before leading Alex into my bedroom.

A part of me hurts for shutting the door, the other part hopes this is what it took to get him to leave me alone.

We sit there on my bed not saying a word.  He opens and closes his mouth a few times as if he was thinking.

'So how are you?'  Does he care or is he just asking

'I'm fine'  I bite the side of my thumb a nervous habit I broke until now.

'Fine is never fine with you.'

'Why did you come here?' all it took was one look, for the feeling to come smashing back yet again.

'I had to see you,' my heart beats a little faster hearing him say that. 'Just tell me what your thinking?'

'I really wished that i never liked you,that i didn't wast all my time talking to you or thinking of you,i wish i never believed every word you said to me,or the times i worried or carried when you ignored me.But most of all i wish i never kept trying because i knew it would happen again. And in the end it wasn't you who was getting hurt.' i had to tell him

'Why did you stay so long if it hurt you?'

'It hurt to hold on, but it hurt to let go even more.' It still hurts now.

'Why did you put up with me?'

'When I kissed you it was heaven so I ignored all the times you put me through hell.'

'I've changed.'

'I've heard that before.'

'Let me show you please?' I didn't say anything I couldn't say anything.

'Let me show you a little piece of heaven.'

He leans in, I know I should stop him but I crave him. His lips touch mine. So firm so tender. I wrap my arms around him wanting more, needing more. But it wasn't right kissing him isn't right. I hold on and even as these fire works explode inside of me, all I think of is Ryan and how it would feel to have his lips on mine. I like no love having Alex, but why won't Ryan leave my head.

I slide my hand onto his chest and push him away. He gives me a small smile.

'I'm sorry it's just..'

'No I get it, Ryan is stopping you.'

'No it just to soon,'

'Sure.' He stands up and head for the door, I follow him to the door

' I'm not with Ryan!' What is it with these two

'Then why won't you kiss me!'

'I just... Too soon.' He turns around and walks out

And I'm left feeling alone again.