Finding you within me

Chapter 12

Great he's here again in front of me. Looking really good if I may say so but that doesn't change the fact that I hate him. Hate is a really strong word that I usually over use but not now.

He told my ex he was my boyfriend after everything I've done I've hardly even spoke to him yet he won't give up its so infuriating.

It's as if he doesn't know how terrified I am to be near him, I don't know what I will do or what I want to do. Whenever he's near Its like my brain has stopped but it's not love. It's fear.

I don't even know what I'm scared of. I'm already broken I can't get any worse.
I look towards Daisy, her love for Ryan has gone down a little bit since I've told her what's going on she knows everything, from my relationship with Alex to the fight they had a few days ago.

I haven't talked to Alex or him since, I skip form time to keep them away I never stay the same place at break or lunch so they can't find me and when we are in the same lessons I pretend I'm ill and go to medical since I've only had one lesson with them it's was ok.

I know I can't do this forever but right now I have too. All of my fear that I've been carrying will not just go away like that. I don't know where to go or what to do.

I put everything into my work, distracting myself from everything but my mind always wonders back to them. How do they make me go numb with just one look I don't even love Ryan yet why do I feel the need to stay away from him.

I force myself to turn away from Ryan, trying to remember how to walk without falling over.

'Lydia I'm sorry he followed my out of our lesson and I told him to leave me alone but...'

'Daisy it's ok it's not like you dragged him here.'

'But I know your hurting and I feel really bad.'

'Well don't it's seriously ok' I  look at her to make sure she wasn't feeling bad. It wasn't her fault that the dick follows people around cause he had nothing better to do that make people's life's hell

'Are you ok?' I don't even know the meaning of the word

'Yeah I'm Just really...' Depressed, alone,crushed, pathetic, failure, ruined,anxious, useless, rejected, empty, lost,basically falling apart '....tired'
' if you are sure, you know you can tell me anything. Your my best friend  before you I had no body.'

' before you I never really had friends, that was girls and having you as my step sister and my friend well that pretty cool.' I had never really shared me feelings with people so it was pretty amazing to tell Daisy all of this.

She stops standing in the hall anxious that he will be coming round that corner any second I could not stop fidgeting.

'Come on Lydia bring it in please.' She opens her arms out for a hug and I look around just to check that he's not making his way down the corridor before throwing myself into her arms.  I could be myself around her, it's one of the only places I can't be myself and not some random person pretending to be happy. I let go of her and carry on walking she trails behind me.

I look at my fingertips twiddling them around.
'Lydia...' Ryan's voice comes from in front of me I don't even look up before tearing myself away from his voice.

'Lydia !!' I hear his foot steps behind me as a walk away. There's no words to describe this empty feeling inside and even harder to tell other people how you feel or to admit it to yourself. I run away from my fear because I can't explain to them what is happening I can't even Explain it to myself.

I walk a little faster almost into a jog. I can hear my heart beating I don't know
if it's from hate, walking so fast or fear.

'Lydia!' He shouts out again his voice bouncing off the wall.

I don't want to stop I just can't stop, can't face the memory's he brings or the one he makes.

'Lydia please stop walking!'
I don't care if everyone in the hall is starring at me anyone.

'Lydia you need to give me an explanation!'
I stop and march towards him ' I don't need to give you anything!'

'Really this whole ex boyfriend, I'm getting tired of not knowing what is going on!'

'You don't know anything about me, your not friend let alone my boyfriend. You was the one who told Alex you was my boyfriend!'

'Don't change the subject.' He stops shouting at me.

' Just leave me alone.' My voice comes out tired like I feel.

'No.' His eyes shine with determination.

'Please.' I beg

'No you need to tell me.'

'Tell you what?!' I feel the tears come to my eyes and I push my hair out my face.

'Why don't you care?'

'I gave up.' He lets out a dry laugh, I look over to Daisy who was just staring at us.

'On what?'

'On life.' Daisy comes next to me, to support me.

'Why?' He seemed naturally confused and I was too. Why didn't he understand.

'Because life gave up on me.' A small smile came onto my lips.

'You shouldn't, I know you can...'

'No you don't know cause you don't know me.'

'Then help me! Help me understand!' I feel the tears come again.

' it's not that easy, why do you care? Why can't you just leave me alone?'

'Why do you hate me?' Such a complicated question. One he wouldn't understand the answer to.

' because I can.'

'Why the hell do hate me?! Why do you push away anyone that could love you?!'

'Because I don't believe in love.because it's a lie and not one I want to live anymore.' I look around and lucky to find no one is here except us three.

'Let me show you that I can be your
friend, that you can be treated right,' the amount of times I've heard this makes me laugh the times the say I won't leave you, I'm different. Telling me that they promise they won't do the same once the hear what's happened. But they always do.

'I think I'll pass.'

'What is your problem?!' He shouts making me feel terrified.

'My problem is you! Just leave me alone!'

'What have I done!'

' I don't do love, you may want to put your heart on the line but I don't because I've had my heart broken and it's probably one of the most painful things that could ever happen.'

'Why can't it be easy?'

'If it was easy I would of wanted him reality is we want people who we can't have or we always want the people who don't want us.'

'What did he do to do this to you?'

'Love is just mind games. And I don't want to play anymore.'

'Did he makes you do anything bad?' I think about what he means

'No, well I stared drinking but that was to forget.'

'Why don't you know there are better stuff, counselling or something.'

'They wouldn't understand.'

'Alcohol isn't to way.'

'I drowned myself with alcohol, to forget the fact I would rather drown myself in a lake.'

He looks at me, and for a minute I think he just might give up.

'I want to help you,' he runs his hands through his hair.

'Unless you can unbreak my heart, you can't.'