Finding you within me

chapter five

chapter five

before i knew it, the time i spent conversing with Lyida came to a close. we left the corridor, transversed through the PE corridors, where our next lesson would take place. freshmen gauged at the sight of us, i simply just shook them away, my rough and calloused hand; speaking to each and every one of the students.

a perk of being a fitness-fanatic at our school, or as our vernacular labels people like me as "jocks", is that I hold such high sovereignty over...everyone. I could usher a silent finger to anybody, and within seconds, it would quash their voice. it's not like I adore having this power (nor was I endowed with it), but it's a certain aspect that I've learned to live with throughout my existence.

lydia: ryan! we're here, aren't you going to get ready?
me: oh shit, dick fuck! i forgot we had physical education.

i was thankful for lydia releasing me from my aposiopesis.

our conversation ended there and then. the awkwardness was unbearable, with what neither of us knowing how to walk away from each other. plus, the dominating white walls made me feel helpless in this situation. and lydia's face.....gosh, she looked so bruised. emotionally. physically. socially. mentally.

me: i guess....this is goodbye then.
lydia: oh ryan, we'll see each other in 10 minutes; it's PE after all.

and with Lydia's remark (such a realist!), I began to feel embarrassed to the point where i promised to never make a stupid point like that again. i mean, this new girl-who-has-really-nice-blue-eyes caught me out!

i still laughed at her. then, hoisting my bag strap over my muscly shoulder, i changed, slipped my trainers on and entered the gym.

the gym was the kind of place you could get lost in. the gym was heaven, a sanctuary for me and others. whilst for certain few, the gym was none of the less a horrid room. and as you can tell, it had mixed responses and elicits. personally, i found it soothing and relaxing; it was a succour for my problems. like a form of medicine that would heal me instantly. and in fact, that's exactly what it did: healing.

but i didn't (and don't) have any proverbial scars on me, that need(ed) to be healed. i was just a fragment of a pernicious existence. a one which constantly shifted between uptight and loose moods. a one which would eventually, heal. a one in which i would find myself in another person.

🌙

we knew the drill: basketball, basketball, basketball and basketball.

so, unlocking the store room door, we unloaded the basketballs with curiosity, and started to dribble the spheres. i found it so relaxing, my fingertips repeatedly touching the ball for a glimpse of a second. the air and atmosphere was the paint to my paper. i was gliding in peace; sports enabled me to glide through anything.

it's like a metaphor, but then it's not.

and whilst I dribbled the ball through human obstacles, bouncing sideways and upwards, i pondered of lydia. i pondered everything about her, i pondered on why she was so quiet, so fragile. i pondered on her very existence – she wasn't a mystery. she was just a girl. she was just a dazzling girl, who i pondered about.

but as i began to wonder and ponder of her, she stumbled into the gym among other females; females i had no desire for.

now don't get me wrong, i'm not some creep who's encumbered with lust. to put it in simple terms, i had no attention towards anyone else, apart from her. she was consuming my daily thoughts. waiting for the bus, jerking off, drinking soda, watching TV etc etc — she was there. all the time. it was as if lydia existed in a third-dimensional space, which she and i could only access.

and i liked that third-dimensional space.