Aryun's pov
it was oddly cold. a weird sense of emptiness was in the weather that day.. the fact that siwon didnt interact for over three days with anyone at all. wonsung tried reaching her but couldnt, seemed like siwon even changed her door pass as well so that wonsung couldnt sneak in and stuff like that.. its weird. i texted her too many times during the days, for her to atleast hear me out or something. i want to fix it. i really dont want any awkwardness anymore.
but what could i possibly say to her? i didnt know that myself.. she clearly confessed but.. i still didnt know how i felt for her. the confusion was devouring me each day. the guilt within me consumed me, knowing siwon probably had isolated herself because of me. i.. want to make myself clear to her. yet i.. really dont know what to say. its frustrating and tiring. the feeling i feel towards her is intense, i dont realize in what way though. i never encountered something like this before. i gave it alot of thought yet i couldnt get to a conclusion that could make both of us satisfied. but for the moment.. i wish i could see siwon for once, or even a glance to make sure she's doing well. to be honest, that wouldnt really help. i wanted to hug siwon and listen to whatever she had to express about her feelings. i wanted to be by her side. i wanted to know more about siwon, how much she had gone through, how bad life got for her, how she managed to get here and meet me.
i just.. didnt know how to respond.
going inside the campus, i looked around, again in hope siwon would be there. turned out she was absent that day again. i sighed in frustration and guilt. all of that was because of me. i sat on a bench by the campus. i felt my lips drying up because of the cold breeze, and also because i wasnt using lipbalms for those few days. that specific day, i even forgot to bring it with me. being in love with the same gender.. is it wrong? why is it despised most of the time..? why do i.. despise it? why am i not comfortable with it?
"any signs?" wonsung's voice startled me. i shook my head. "sigh.. you.. dont look quite well, aryun. wanna bunk classes today?" he asked with a little smile, hoping i would agree. "nah, thanks. if my parents hear this i'll be doomed." he sighed in frustration, yet a look of concern was on his face. "aryun.."
i looked up at him as he sat beside me with a serious look. "what's even happening between you two? you didnt tell me anything for the last few days. it's been another day yet.. no signs of siwon. i told you.. i dont want you both to suffer alone. i want to be able to help and to be your friend, your brother even if needed." oh.. i realized i had only ignored wonsung for the last few days. the extra guilt filled in me, i hope he didnt feel left out or anything. i decided to tell him anyway...
"she uh.. confessed to me."
"huh?" "yeah. confessed her love yeah. for me yes. while being a woman, yes. i think you can understand her better than i can ever do. i wanted to try. i kept trying to be a nicer friend of hers and tried to be by her side whenever she needed someone she could rely on. it kept getting worse. i didnt know.. she.. would randomly just.. its.. all my fault, wonsung. its my fault that i didnt give a good response and now she's isolated, disconnected with all of you. i at that moment could not process anything. i cant say i was disgusted either. i.."
"calm down," he grabbed my shoulder. "you're crying."
yeah. maybe.
"you miss her and care enough to overthink about her. yeah. you know what's your fault in here?" i looked at him with curiosity.
"you keep feeling guilty because.. you're thinking of society."
huh.. "because you're not trying to see from her perspective. rather you're seeing from society's perspective of homosexuality. you're overthinking the fact that people would shame you and stuff if you decide to be in love with her. rather than that.."
