Seungho's pov (18y/o)
...
The night i killed somebody. I came home with fresh clothes that hwan had given me. It was around 3 am. i unlocked the door with the pass. I entered and kept my shoes out.
I walked in. Everybody was asleep. nobody called me. ilsung did a few times but he went to sleep too. I went to my room, not turning the lights on.
who was it? who did i kill? i forgot all of it. I only remembered the blood on the body. there was no gender, no expressions, no feelings, just the body. lifeless. left to be rotten eventually. i wanted to take a shower. I went inside the tub, inside cold water as i didnt have the courage to be comfortable. remorse? i probably was feeling that. guilt? All over my body. Agony? that too. Maybe.
i rested myself. I wanted to sleep. freezing cold. i was freezing. I was numb. I couldnt move eventually. the water was consuming me, eventually turning me one of the molecules. i felt it. i heard it. i heard every scream. water was screaming to me. as if the moment i stepped in i killed it. i took a little dive.
I couldnt breathe under water. It probably wanted to kill me too. i ran out of breath. i didnt get up. my lungs were being filled with water. i got unconscious. I think i almost died. The next morning they got me out.
"SEUNGHO GET UP!! GET UP!!" i coughed out water. I heard my dad screaming and slapping the hell out of me. My mom was crying beside him. Ilsung. Looked scared. I opened my eyes with a hint of disappointment.
"You're up.. Thank God.. What happened?? What's wrong, my baby? Is everything okay? You didn't come home last night timely.. I should have stayed awake.." mother said, weeping. I turned to ilsung without a word.
"...hyung.. were you dead..?" he asked. I chuckled a little.
"..i wish i was," i mumbled to myself so they couldnt hear and go crazier. I just lied there like nothing. they got me up and took me to the bed eventually. "Eat something first okay?? Then we can discuss all of it.. Please.. Seungho. Dont do this again.. I love you so much." mother said. Dad sat by my head. He didnt say anything, just looked at me with something. Maybe agony. Or pity. I didnt want to read him. I closed my eyes.
The blood and body appeared as soon as i did. I.. I wanted to die. Please. Let me die. I..
I went insane at the thought of it. My body started to vibrate from anxiety. Sudden pressure to kill myself from anything in touch. Mother brought food, there was a fork beside the food. Impulsively i reached out for it.
At once i
i aimed wrong. I was aiming for my neck where the artery was. I aimed wrong with my shaky hands and ended up aiming somewhere near the artery. Blood splashed at once. I decided to try another time to aim it perfectly but i heard screams which made me freeze. My dad held my arm tightly. I looked at him, with wide eyes. Probably crying too.
"What the hell are you doing?!" he yelled at me. "Oh God.. It wont stop bleeding, we need to get you a doctor right now, let's go," he grabbed my arm and drived me to hospital at once. I was crying the whole way.
"Dad."
"Please dont."
"Let me die."
"Please."
"I beg you."
I kept crying. Crying and crying that i forgot my pain over the neck. He didnt listen. He drived. I became unconscious from blood loss midway in my mom's arm. Why did i aim wrong? Why. Just fucking why.
I woke up at the hospital bed. Nobody was there. I was calm at the moment. At once my parents came inside. They looked at me. They didnt want to be too close to me. Of course, they were afraid.
"Dad.." i said.
"...i killed someone."
I admitted. I wanted to face the worst punishment ever. I dont quite remember their reactions enough. They just sent me to some therapist eventually. I couldnt interact. I was kept on observation instead. Probably so that i dont kill anyone else.. Or myself.
i cried for a very long time.
i was tired eventually. Nobody would listen to me. Nobody. I fulfilled that person's wish of death, can no one else do that to me too? the cycle won't repeat if i just kill myself. Nobody has to kill me. I would do it myself. They wouldnt let me. What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Why are they keeping a murderer in the house? Are they insane? No person good in the head would do that.
Gyeol visited me once. I was lying on my bed as usual.
"Hey."
I looked at him, without moving any muscle besides my eye muscles.
"Gyeol. be the one to kill me. I cant. Bear with this pain." i said. He sighed heavily. "Seungho.."
"I hate you so fucking much." he hugged me, sobbing. "..I wish i stopped you." he added. His voice cracked. I chuckled.
"You sound very stupid right now.." i said. It was funny. It probably wasnt but.. Gyeol acting like that was kinda funny.
"Shut up please. Its not funny. Dying would be going easy on you." he said. He was right. Too easy. I would be gone too easily if i just died. Fucking hell. I hate myself. I despise myself.
I still do. I still do. I still do. I still do. I still do. I still fucking do. I hope i die. I die. I die. I die. Please. Let this end. Just end. End already. Please.
I..
I'm tired. I can't think. I wont think.
I will puke from disgust. Self disgust. Self hatred. If i dont kill myself, self hatred would eventually.
i hope so atleast. Someday. Anyday.
