seungho's pov (flashback 2)
it didnt get better. i hoped it did. it only got.. weirder.
"man didnt know you could pull.." gyeol said all of a sudden when i was on a computer in the facility. "surely can pull more than you," i thought gyeol was being random. "go get your girlfriend or something, she's waiting outside." he said as he was about to leave. "huh? hey- the fuck are you on?" i asked. "what? you didnt even tell me you got a girlfriend. i'm seriously hurt at that really.."
"i dont have one.. who are you talking about?" i asked, being confused. "yeah yeah whatever just get your ass off of here," he said as he left the room. i went outside being curious and saw jiwoo waiting, possibly for me. she.. already started faking being my girlfriend. i walked up to her as she saw me. i didnt know how to bring that up or was gyeol just exaggerating? i sighed heavily and said hi.
"just came to uh.. see you." she said. "alright but.. you really shouldnt be here without any other particular reason you know. do you perhaps need help with something?" i asked, just changing the subject. "i think i told you what i need.." she was too serious about it. i wanted to ignore it but day by day it got worse and worse. at some point i was very out of peace, i couldnt hang out with gyeol properly or couldnt even do my work. it became sickening to me. why me? why not anyone else? fuck this. it almost felt like i was the patient. i purposely started ignoring her, but she would find me everywhere. i became aware i couldnt fix her without actually killing her off.
i told no one about this. that lowkey was my biggest regret.
she forced me to the point where i couldnt sleep without killing her. yet she didnt stop there. i asked her tons of times about what made her feel that way but no matter what, she wouldnt stop. she wouldnt stop even after fixing that particular problem. what the fuck was even wrong with her? i became hopeless. i wanted to end this for once. but.. why killing?
"i need a break.. particularly from you." i said to jiwoo for the nth time. and of course, it was of no use. "i'd be in fucking jail if i kill you. do you really.. not think about my life? my own.. morals?" i lowkey snapped. i really had enough.
"you'll be there for a fairly short amount of time because it's assisted suicide.. can you not do it for me..?" as if it was THAT easy as she said. fucking hell.. i almost started to lose my mind over it. one day while i was working with one of the patients, helping out with their self harm issues, my mind got fogged a little. i looked at their arm. i snapped out of it. i.. really shouldnt.
"do you.. feel any better with causing pain to yourself?" i asked the patient instead. they nodded, making me wonder if i should try.. for jiwoo.
"would you mind if i anyhow test it..?"
i began doing that secretly. i was such a coward. such an idiot to harm my own patients to get the fucking courage to kill jiwoo eventually. i started to see blood almost daily, getting dangerously used to it by time. i did it untill it felt like no big deal to me. untill it no longer felt like something against my morals. untill i normalized it to my brain and heart. untill it finally felt like some other chore of the day. untill i didnt care anymore.
so that i would no longer care about jiwoo when she was finally nothing but a dead body to me. the day finally came when i killed her with my own two hands.
i.. had plans to simply turn myself in after doing it. i did it far far far away from the facility so no one knew. she was sitting on a chair while she provided me with a kitchen knife to do it. i didnt have the guts, still. i stopped midway, catching my breath, just an inch away from stabbing her with my all might.
"you can do it, seungho. you practiced so much for this night." something was stopping me to even begin. because no matter whatever it is, once i start i wont be able to leave if off without finishing it. "i'll miss you, seungho."
