Love in Hell

Huh, what did I do wrong?

Tharn didn't go home because he couldn't let his family see him like this. He thought about going to Lhong's place but his best friend would ask too many questions and hover far too much or make off-color jokes. Instead, he went to the place he had always felt at peace in, a public garden in his old neighborhood. King and he used to spend their days there, the other man loved talking to the plants while Tharn just liked to sit and listen. After their friendship fell apart, Tharn couldn't even look at the place but over time it became the haven that he always went to when he needed to hide away from everyone and everything.

The place was like a jungle in the middle of a very wealthy neighborhood with big houses that looked more like mansions. King was obsessed with it, he constantly did research on the plants inside and he told Tharn all about them, that was how he knew that this place was modeled after Central Park in New York City. "It's supposed to be a smaller and tropical version of that," his childhood best friend would remind Tharn every time they walked through it. The other boy even knew every time they added a new plant.

While King preferred to be among the plants, Tharn's favorite place was under a big gazebo that stood on a stone base in the middle of a pond with long plants sprouting from the water providing some privacy. It felt like a hidden spot in a magical garden, a silent oasis in the middle of the chaos.

Fortunately, the place was empty so Tharn just let himself collapse on the stone benches by the railing. Now that he wasn't running, he couldn't ignore what had just happened. In another life, he would've probably taken Type's offer, and delusionally hoped that the older man would eventually end up falling in love with him. He knows that it would have been toxic and stupid but wild and sexy, he was sure that they would've both had fun but Tharn knew that Type's issue would've just gotten worse or never really been healed.

'But I would've been the exception,' he thought, trying to defend the part of him that wanted to go back and accept Type's offer.

He knew that it was a selfish thought and had Tharn not been faced with any struggles or adversities, if he had a nice and happy life, maybe he wouldn't have understood or cared enough to stop himself. He would have just let himself be carried away by his attraction for the older man and not think about anything else, 'the typical spoiled brat.' But Tharn was tired of sleeping around and Type deserved much more than selling himself to someone he hated.

'He thought that was what I wanted,' but he did face struggles and went through adversities, he didn't have the luxury of being that spoiled brat that lacked self-awareness. "He believes I was just a step below the bastard that took advantage of him because I was actually waiting for permission to abuse him.'

"Maybe I am just as bad," he couldn't help but say out loud because he wanted to accept the offer, more than anything he wanted to kiss Type's lips and undress the older man, to take him apart and show him the pleasure of being with a man, a good man.

'But you're not a good man,' a voice that sounded like Lhong teased.

It all filled him with a pressure that made it hard to breathe; Tharn wasn't one for panic attacks, not because he was above them but more because he was fairly well adjusted when it came to his emotions. If he was sad, he let himself be sad; if he was happy, he would let himself be happy; if he was angry he would let himself be angry. He wouldn't say that he was healthy in the way he processed those emotions but he wasn't one to restrain them.

'My issue wasn't panic attacks but being too emotional,' he thought with self-deprecation. "Case in point," he said out loud, finally feeling embarrassed by how he had stormed out of their dorm like a diva that didn't get their latte.