My Diary

Past Online People

Hey, everyone, so, today I thought I would explain a little bit of few online people that I met or have met me and what I went through.

I'm genuinely asking because I don't want to keep repeating the same cycle.

I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of always being the bigger person. I'm tired of always trying to see the good in people. I'm tired of giving people chance after chance, making excuses for them, extending grace, and convincing myself they'll eventually do the right thing.

I'm tired of showing up for people who wouldn't inconvenience themselves for me. I'm tired of putting in effort that never seems to get matched. I'm tired of protecting other people's feelings while they don't think twice about hurting mine. I'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt only to find out my gut was right all along.

At what point do you stop being understanding?

At what point do you stop giving second chances?

At what point do you stop hoping people will change?

How do you stop believing someone's words instead of their actions?

How do you stop making excuses for people who would never make excuses for you?

How do you stop attracting people who lie, waste your time, and treat you like you're disposable?

How do you get people to stop treating you like fucking shit?

How do you get respected?

How do you become someone people think twice about disappointing?

How do you stop people from seeing your kindness as weakness?

How do you stop caring more than the other person?

How do you stop ending up in relationships and friendships where you're always the one trying harder?

How do you stop repeating the same lesson with different people?

Is it boundaries?

Is it walking away the first time someone disrespects you?

Is it learning to disappoint other people instead of constantly disappointing yourself?

Is it raising your standards?

Is it trusting your intuition sooner?

Or is there something about me that I need to change?

I don't want to become bitter. I don't want to become cold. I don't want to lose the part of me that believes in people. But I'm starting to wonder if my kindness has been teaching people that they can get away with disrespecting me.

I'm genuinely asking because I don't want to keep living this cycle. If you've gone through this and actually changed it, what did you do? What finally made people respect you? What finally made you respect yourself enough to stop accepting less than you deserved?

Because I'm exhausted, and I know I can't keep living like this.

As you guys know a little bit of someone named Nate. The "23-year-old but really he was 27 when he seeked me out" Australian. When I was 21. Here's how we met:

I put my intro into a Discord Adults Server and within minutes I get a friend request from a unique username that goes by fault very interesting right? But as it seemed. I accepted it and he says "hey u seem chill" on November 21st, 2023. Yet, I was using my TV Chromecast remote. It was difficult to type when the back space would repeat your words. For example: "Wouldwouldwould" it frustrated me Nate here never blocked me but gave me a chance. I still appreciate but why? Why would someone like him want to have patience with someone who is going through a difficult time....

He was extremely flirty. But here is the best part. I was in a relationship with someone, but I couldn't just blurt out "I'm in an relationship can you please stop flirting with me" I couldn't go through another block and run people away. So, I kept that until the 25th came. My boyfriend broke up with me that day. Nate was comforting me, but it felt safe. 

Anyway, days past still feeling aching. I asked Nate questions about him. Just said his interests, hobbies and likes but never said anything about family or the real truth. I try again but music related and he immediately knew that song my favorite at the time. That was our first bond. Music. 

It's December and he randomly disappears for 10 days. I get worried about what If I did something or said something but when he finally got back he said that he went to a concert. But here's the thing: He told me about his Nervous System frequently attacks in January and his name....his 23 too.