A World Like This [1]

[24]

Edited 1/14/17

"Ava what were you thinking?" The world around began spinning as Carl spoke to me. He was so concerned, so hurt by what I was attempting to do. All I wanted was to die. That's what I was thinking when I dragged the blade across my arm. I want it to end, all the pain, all the suffering in this cruel forsaken world. I'm sick of running and fighting for my life, there's no purpose anymore. I sat on the floor staring at the blood that was pouring from my arm. No doubt it would leave a scar. "Ava, please talk to me." Carl begged, his voice cracking at the end.

Just thinking of my answer made tears stream down my face. If he'd known that I even thought of giving up he'd hate me. But that's just it, this world is too much for me. I was never meant to survive this world this long, I should have been dead ages ago but here I am, alive when so many other people deserve to be here. Such strong people have died so I couldn't understand why I was still here. I cheated death too many times.

"It's too hard." I told Carl, tears streaming down my face.

"What's too hard?" He asked.

"Going on. Going on without them. I can't do it anymore." I cried. Carl stared at me, I watched as tears brimmed his deep blue eyes.

"So, you're going to leave me?" Carl asked. This time tears slowly ran down his pale cheeks as he looked at me. I'm causing him pain. I did this to him. He shouldn't have to go through this because of me. He shouldn't have to deal with my presence.

"I don't want to. But it's too hard Carl." I cried. Carl wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back. I felt his tears soak my shirt but I didn't mind.

"Please don't leave me. I can't live without you." Carl whispered in my ear. "I know it's hard but we have to keep going. It's what Daryl and Aiden would have wanted you to do."

He was right, Daryl and Aiden wouldn't have wanted me to give up. I wouldn't want them to give up. So why is it so easy to just call it quits? Why is it so easy to say goodbye to the world? All I want to do is wake up from this nightmare they call life. I'm tired of scavenging for food and water. I'm tired of every living person being a threat. But most of all I'm tired of living and not knowing what's going to happen next. I want to be the one to determine when I die, I don't want to be killed by walkers or people I want to go out my own way.

When I die, it's going to be because of either bullets or teeth. Maybe I want to be the one to say how my life ends. Maybe I want to make that decision for myself. Or maybe I should stay here, stay with Carl. I know it's not a question, I love Carl, more than anything. And I know I need him now more than ever.

"I love you Carl and I'm not going anywhere." I looked up to see a smile appear on Carl's face.

"I love you too." He told me. I'll never get used to the way he says that. He's said It one other time but each time I hear it, it makes my heart flutter. Carl stood up and held his hand out for me. I took it and he helped me to my feet. "Come on we should go clean this." We walked down stairs and Carl went into the kitchen.

He came back with the first aid kit in his hands. I watched intently as he rummaged through it. He looked back up at me and frowned.

"What?" I asked.

"There aren't any more bandages in here." He told me. He walked back into the kitchen and came back with a towel in his hand. He put it on my bleeding arm. "Hold this on there, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?" I asked.

"To go find something to put on that." I watched Carl grab the bag that our food was in. He dumped it out and began walking towards the back door.

"No Carl. I'm fine. You don't have to-"

"I'll be right back baby." Carl kissed my forehead and smiled at me. Before I could say another word, Carl walked out the door, leaving me with an unconscious Rick.

I sat around the house waiting for Rick to wake up and for Carl get back. No matter how I tried to distract myself my mind continued to wander back to what Carl is doing. Was he okay? Is he dead? Was he bit? These thoughts continue to distract me from my bleeding arm. Would Carl be okay? If Carl died I'd never forgive myself. I am the reason he is out there, if he was to die it would be because of my actions.

I felt myself losing control as I grabbed a knife from the kitchen counter. I pulled the towel off my arm and watched the blood drip to the floor. I took my knife and dug it into my arm again. More and more blood poured out of me like a waterfall.

I couldn't control myself from doing it. The pain made me feel better. The pain only distracted me from Carl running around out there, distracting me from the fact that he could be in danger. It distracted me from the pain of losing my locket, of losing my family. My family would be disappointed in me if they could see me now, especially Daryl. I closed my eyes as I brought the sharp blade to my arm again, moving it down. I gritted my teeth, the pain being a lot to handle. I wanted to make my family proud but the fact is, I'm just nit string enough, not for this world.

I looked back to my arm to see I cut it two more times without even noticing. Two more scars that's all it is. Carl's going to be pissed when he comes back. He'll hate me or he won't understand. He'll never understand this, hell I don't even understand this.

I slid to the floor and sat there as the blood dripped down to the kitchen tile. I never really looked at blood. I tried avoiding it as much as possible. I couldn't help but think about the fact that walker blood didn't look anything like this at all, it isn't as red. I laughed slightly to myself. This is what I think about? The color of my blood. In the thought of my death as I bled out on the kitchen floor all I'm capable of thinking about is the color of dark red blood that would soon stain these floors.

The world around me spun as I stared at the redness leaking from my body. I never considered the amount of blood people actually held in their bodies. Looking at my arm made me realize it was a lot more than I ever would have thought it was.

I heard a loud thud and turned to see Carl standing in the doorway staring down at me and the bloody mess I had made. He dropped the bag he took earlier. I looked to the floor, I quickly took notice that Carl was only wearing one shoe. I looked back up to him to see tears streaming down his face. I did that. I keep doing that. I cause those tears to fall from his eyes.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry." I whispered to him, the only one who loves me, the only one who ever has and the only one who ever will. I watched as Carl rushed to my side. He grabbed my arm and stared at me.

"Why Ava? Why do you do this to yourself?" He asked. His tears continued to fall down his face. I reached up with my arm that isn't bleeding and wiped his tears away.

"Don't cry for me." I told him.

"Ava please. You can't do this to me. You can't give up." He told me.

"I want to. I want to give up. Please just accept that I don't want to live anymore. I want to see them again." I told Carl, tears now rushing down my own face.

"No, no I won't accept that. I love you Ava. I can't live without you." He told me. I didn't respond I just looked away. There is nothing to be said right now, I want to die and I know it. "Please Ava you can't give up, not now. Not after everything we've been through." Carl's words got to me,

Don't give up.

Don't give up.

"You're going to do it, you're going to be the last one standing, don't give up, just keep moving." Aiden's words played in my head. Aiden didn't want me to give up. Carl doesn't want me to give up. Giving up maybe be easy but it's not what they want. It's not what my family wanted for me. I must keep going, I have to live, for them. It is the only way to be sure that their deaths meant something. I'm still here, I can still be here. I just have to keep fighting, keep trying to make it through.

"I won't." I told him. Carl looked down at me and smiled his perfect smiled. "I promise, for real this time. I'm staying here with you." I told him. Carl leaned down and kissed my lips gently, the movement bringing butterflies to my stomach.

I won't give up, not ever. I'm here to stay.