Resurgent

Chapter 23

 I stay hidden in the closet for a while, letting the coats blur my vision. My throat is tight and I know it is desperate for relief, but I can't bring myself to cry. I know I want to--that I need to--but all I can do is stare aimlessly into the leather jacket rubbing against my face. For a brief moment, I'm able to forget. Forget about last night. Forget about Tobias's cold stare. Forget who I really am.

Peter snaps me out of my daze when he slides open the closet door. "Pretty impressive how quickly I was able to get rid of him, huh?"

"Yeah. Really impressive." I mumble as he offers his hand and helps me up.

"So, I was thinking since Tobias is still looking for you, we should stay here all day. What do you say? Watch some TV, play some games...fun, right?"

"Um, yeah." I reply with an empty voice that I have grown accustom to. My mind feels foggy, weighed down by everything it's trying to process. I know that I need to speak with Tobias, but I don't know if I'd even be able to talk without falling apart. I wipe my hands on my pants; the memory of them grasping Tobias's throat makes them sweat. Everything from inside the Med Room is a blur. I remember the blue and red serums, but I still need to find more information. I need to get my memory back before I face Tobias. That way I'll know I won't hurt him.

"Hello? Trying to reach Tris?" Peter looks at me quizzically.

"Sorry what?" I realize that I was not paying attention to what Peter was saying.

"I asked you what you wanted to do first. Board game? Movie?"

"Oh. I actually need to get going. Sorry." I start heading towards the door. "I...I should probably go talk to Tobias and explain where I was."

"Wait but I thought that you didn't want him to"

Before Peter can finish, I slip out the door and onto the street. I look to the right, where I should turn if I want to meet up with Tobias, who is probably angrily pacing in his house. Instead, however, I turn left, heading towards my Med Room. It's risky going there to investigate during the day, but I don't have any other choice. I need answers and I need them now. Caleb should be at work anyway, along with Matthew and Cara. After my last conversation with Caleb, I don't think he suspects me to willingly walk into the Med Room, either. As long as no one sees me break in, I should still be able to find a solution for my memory loss and nightmares without getting caught.

I'm able to sneak up stairs and get to the door without being noticed. Glancing down the hall, I sigh with relief when I see that Tobias's office is dark and empty. I pull out the hidden key and sneak into the room, which is seemingly untouched from when I last snuck in. I sit at the desk and turn on one of the computers, the screen's light glowing on my face. Nervously, I start clicking on different files, anxiously hoping to find something--anything--to help fix me.

After several minutes of trying to decipher different serum formulas and codes, I find a file that looks different from the others. It's marked with a blue folder icon and is labeled, "CALEB P3." I'm prompted with a password as soon as I click on it, which is odd because none of the others needed passcodes. I close my eyes and force myself to remember the number he typed in to gain access at his work. A quick smile flashes on my face when I easily recall the numbers 071351. Hundreds of files fill the screen as soon as I punch in the numbers. I anxiously click on the first one, intrigued by my newly discovered information.

To my dismay, it is a bunch of random numbers. My eyes devour every piece of the file, trying to make sense of all the codes. I keep clicking on different files in hopes that I will find some kind of new information.

An hour passes and I'm still left with nothing but numbers, until I get to the third to last file. This one has words. Lots and lots of words. It talks about test subjects and simulations, the same kind of thing Caleb was explaining to me when I visited his work. Nothing seems unusual until I read the last paragraph.

"Our code 4573 patient's progress will determine the serums' abilities to regulate the brain's function. Patient 4573 is coming in for checkups and serum dosages every three days. If the test is successful, it will prove that no one can be resistant to P3."

Is this talking about me? Am I Patient 4573? My mind is racing when I hear the door open. My body stiffens. In my anxious search, I forgot to keep listening for footsteps. Slowly, I turn my head and see Tobias standing in the doorway.

"Tobias. What...what are you doing here?" I carefully slide my fingers across the keyboard and hit the escape key to exit all of the files.

"What am I doing here?" His voice is tight with frustration. He runs his fingers through his hair like he usually does when he's upset. "You don't get to ask me that, Tris! Last night you go frantically running off in the dark and I don't even hear anything from you? Instead you turn to Peter for help. Peter."

"I know. I'm sorry. I panicked and needed to figure out what's wrong with me before I could see you again."

"And you think avoiding me is going to help fix things? Tris, what's going on here? Why are you sneaking into your med room?" He is standing by me now, his hand placed next to mine on the desk. I feel so small sitting in this chair next to him.

"I...I needed to figure out how to get my memory back. Then everything will be okay. I'll be better. I'll be...different. I promise."

"Wait, what do you mean different?" He gets down on his knees so that his eyes are level with mine. Slowly, he gathers my hands into his. "Tris, you're still you, even if you've lost your memory. It's still you in there."

"Don't." I say harshly, turning my head away. "Don't say that."

"And why not? It's true. You're still smart and stubborn and kind and---"

"Stop it! I don't want to be the same person." I feel a cold tear run down my cheek and quickly wipe it away. "I can't be. I can't be the same way if I get my memory back. I'm not someone worth loving. I...I can't be a coward anymore."

After a few seconds pass, Tobias gently wipes away my tears with his thumb. "Tris, listen to me. You are not a coward, with or without your memory. And Tris? I love you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. So don't you dare tell me that you're not worth loving because you will always be enough for me."

How can he forgive me so easily? Even after everything I keep putting him through, he chooses to comfort me and put aside his own hurt to help heal mine. The thought of P3 and Patient 4573 still lingers in my mind, but for now, I close my eyes and draw Tobias close to me.

Even as I'm wrapped in Tobias's warm embrace, however, I can't help but think that regaining my memory is the only way for me to be with him.