Color Me

Unconditional

"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Zolana-"
"Dont call me that right now!why??"
"I wanted to. I just kept telling myself that tomorrow, tomorrow would be better or good timing. I kept thinking that-"
"That i would judge you, that would be grossed out or disgusted!"
"No. Zolana i would never-"
Zoe was pacing now, chest heaving and tears running down her face.
Kai made a move to touch her but she shook her off and kept pacing the small room.
Kai sat down and hands in her hair and looking at the floor.
"I didn't want to keep it a secret. I just couldn't find the courage to tell you. I liked you so fast and fell so hard in such little time. I was afraid Zo. Thats the truth. I was afraid."
Zoe stopped moving so suddenly like a marionette with its string drawn taut.
"Afraid of me?"
Kai got off the bed so fast Zoe could only take a step back before she was on her. Holding her, hugging her and whispering no no over and over.

"Never. I wasn't afraid of you just the thought of losing you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry i wasn't honest. I'm really sorry"

Zoe finally hugged her back just holding her jacket tight but not saying a single word.
After awhile she drew back and sat on the bed.
Kai sat next to her and didn't speak. Letting her have the space to gather her thoughts.
"Everybody was just talking and passing around their phones then looking at me funny. I was so curious i asked to see but nobody wanted to show me. Felt like some type of way for a second to be honest. Thought someone was circulating a nude of me or something though i dont have any aside from your drawing."
"I would never."
"I know. Just what i thought for a second. Vanya was clearly angry and muttering in russian."
"I'm sorry you found out like this. It wasn't what i wanted."
"Did you plan to tell me soon?"
"I honestly didnt have a date in mind. I just knew i couldn't keep quiet for forever. You would have found out from touching me."
Zoe let out a mirthless chuckle.  "Ah thats why you wouldn't let me stay in your lap for long and also why they put you in the boys dorm. Should have thought of that."
"I'll keep apologising for a long while. We'll move on how you want to Zolana."

Zoe laid back on the bed, feet dangling.
Someone did a rushed knock on the door and Lee walked in.
"Oh great you are here. Someone posted - ah i see you already found out."
"Hey Lee. Thanks for looking out."
"I didnt do anything. You just didn't respond to my text and Vanya hadn't seen you so i uh yeah"
Zoe looked at him,
"Did you know?"
"Um" Lee looked at Kai nervously. Fingers twitching by his sides.
"Its okay tell her.
"She woke up with a boner and i saw before she hid it. Like the idiot i am, i said you have a big dick."
He looked down mortified for saying it and now having to confess it.
"He saw your dick before i did!"
Zoe looked actually disgruntled at the thought.
"No Zolana. He just saw a print."
"I'm gonna leave before i say more dumb stuff."
"Don't worry Lee. You good."

Zoe kept staring at her after Lee had left. "What?"
"Do I make you hard?"
Kai was surprised, she snorted before answering. "Yes you do. So much that I've moved from unsexy thoughts to ice packs for me to calm down."
"Oh cool."
So nonchalant yet her face turned red.

Kai was on tenterhooks just waiting for Zoe to say something.
"Are you happy or are you planning or thinking of transitioning at some point? Wait is that possible for you?"
"Yes its possible. It would be treated same as a male to female transition or just having top surgery and hormone replacement therapy."
"Do you want either?"
"No Zolana. Is that a dealbreaker for you?"
"I dont think so. I do enjoy penetration. But I'm not romantically interested in men though. You aren't one nor are you trying to be one but you are also not trans."
"No I'm not. I never meant to deceive you or anything."
"I know. Just give me a bit. We are not breaking up by the way."
She cuddled into Kai's side as she said it.
"I'm glad."
Kai put her hand over her eyes to hide the tears.
The relief felt like a massive boulder had been removed from her chest.
The moments that reinforce how much you love someone sometimes are the ones that warn you of loss and grief.

They held each other in the silence. Words left unsaid but the feelings unchanged. The love untouched.

Kai woke up to knocking on the door.
She peeked at Zoe thinking she'd be asleep as well but she was awake and still holding her.
She nodded towards the door.
"Who is it?"
"Its your dad, Richard."
Kai opened the door and gave him a side smirk "I know what your name is."
"If you can sass me then you arent dying. Oh hey Zoe."
"Hie Mr Williams. I'll let you guys talk."
"Zo-"
"Don't worry. Call me later. I actually have a class in 10 minutes."
"Okay."
Zoe hesitated to leave for a second then gave her a light kiss on the lips.