Fall

eighteen

After a very loooooong time, here's an update! Haha sana matulungan tayo nito na maintindihan si Celine.:)

September 5, 2015 | 6:25PM
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eighteen | paul

Before all these happened, I was sure I was taking a straight path. I had plans for my future; I was certain of the actions I would take. I knew what I was doing and I was happy. But then, realization hit me and it hit me hard. Lahat pala ng nasa plano ko ay walang kasiguraduhan; hindi mangyayari kung hindi nararapat. And I knew that Celine was one of those not-meant-to-bes. As bad of a person the realization had already made me, wala akong magagawa. Alam ko na parte ito ng bigger plan para sa amin.

Pero ngayon, may choice ako na gawing mas madali para amin pareho ang sitwasyon na ito. I wasn't really a douchebag and I won't become one. To prove that, I have to man up and face her, para once and for all, maging maayos na ang lahat—even though this meant going behind Lira's back and not telling her about my meeting with Celine.

I knew she would understand; she always does.

"Thank you for doing this, Paul. I really am grateful," Celine hung her arms around my neck the moment she opened the door and saw me standing there. She gave me a rather longer and tighter hug than I expected. Para hind imaging awkward, yumakap ako pabalik. But I had no intentions on giving her hope that's why I instantly moved a step back.

I smiled at her. "Here, take these. Baka kahit papaano mabawasan ang sakit ng ulo mo." Inabot ko sa kaniya 'yung maliit na brown paper wrapper nung mga gamot na binili ko bago pumunta sa condo unit niya.

With a forced smile, she received it. "Yeah, maybe they would," pabuntong-hininga na aniya. "But I know they would never ease the pain my heart's feeling until now."

Yeah...

I looked at her as she walked back inside the unit. Naka-robe lang siya, her hair was a mess, and she had no make up on. Halata sa mukha niya na ilang araw na siyang walang maayos na tulog. She even looked like she lost some weight. And her smile, which got me smitten before, was not there anymore.

But I still found her incredibly sexy. Any man would feel lucky to be in the same place with Celine. She's undeniably beautiful even without the glamorous clothes and make up. I should have felt lucky to be with her, alone in one place. Add to that the fact that I was her ex-boyfriend. But none of those got my attention anymore. She asked me if we could talk, at 'yun lang ang ipinunta ko sa condo niya.

"Come here, Paul. Sit next to me," she invited, tapping the empty side of the beige couch she sat on. She flashed a sad smile when I did not move right away.

I hesitated. Kahit na alam kong pagkatapos nito ay wala na kaming dapat pang pag-usapan ni Celine, kailangan ko pa ring umiwas sa anumang posibilidad na maaaring kalabasan ng tagpo namin. One was giving her false hopes. Nanatili akong nakatayo sa may pinto.

"Oh, come on, Paul! Please, kahit ngayon lang." She really looked hurt by my refusal. Diretso ang mga mata niya sa akin as they began to water. "Please, kahit ngayon lang, iparamdam mo naman sa'kin na may halaga pa rin ako sa'yo." Celine covered her face with both of her hands, and a moment after, her shoulders were already shuddering.

"Celine..." I still hesitated, pero pinili kong iwaksi muna sa isipan ko ang mga bagay-bagay. I hated seeing girls cry. And I hated myself more knowing that I was the reason why she was crying. I hushed her with all my might but with every touch I would make at the small of her back, lalo siyang humahagulhol. So I stayed still beside her and waited.

Nag-angat siya ng tingin, basang basa ang mukha ng sarili niyang luha. "More than a year, Paul. We were a couple for more than a year. Tell me... did you even love me—?" she asked, her voice breaking.

"Of course, I loved you," agad kong sagot; it was the truth anyway. I held her shoulders and made her face me. I have never seen her look so weak before. She always had that domineering aura that men would always think she's indestructible. Pero ngayon, nakikita ko kung gaano siya kahina at nasasaktan. And I couldn't help but feel so guilty about it. "Minahal kita, Celine. Trust me, I did. Pero..."

"Pero mas mahal mo si Lira," she continued for me in a low voice. Celine released a heavy breathe as she wipe her face. "Akala ko talaga... akala ko ikaw na, Paul. I was so happy when you paid attention to me kahit na alam kong iba ang naririnig mo tungkol sa'kin. Feeling ko ako 'yung pinakamaganda noon kasi isang tulad mo ang nagbigay pansin sa'kin. You're the epitome of a great man for me, the man I would not be ashamed to introduce to my family.

"But I guess all good things must really come to an end." She sniffed and looked at me, her eyes weary and sad. "Guilty rin ako, and I know you deserve to know this. Nung una, natakot ako na baka you were just playing with me. I was a party-goer, my name's a talk of the town. I dress like there's always a photoshoot going on, and I was known for having so many guys around me. Sino ba naman ang mag-iisip na siseryosohin ako ng isang tulad mo? Ikaw na sobrang gentleman at mabait. You're the most self-giving person I have met. At sobra akong naging unfair 'coz I was the one who did not take our relationship seriously. I took your presence for granted. I even told my friends na aantayin ko na lang na ikaw ang kusang mag-give up, kesa ako ang makipaghiwalay."

"Celine—"

"No, Paul! Let me finish." She stood up from the couch. Napasapo siya sa kaniyang noo at humingang muli ng malalim. Her back facing me, she continued. "I waited until you'd give up. But God! Habang inaantay ko na mapansin mong wala akong planong patagalin ang relasyon natin, lalo kong nakikita ang mga rason kung bakit ako kinaiinggitan noon ng mga babaeng nakapalibot sa'tin." She slowly faced me again. "They were envious of me not because I was pretty nor dahil kilala ako ng mga nasa fashion industry. They weren't even paying attention to my car or the latest gadgets and the designer bags and shoes I had. They envied me because of you—because I had you. And I was too dumb not to realize how lucky I was because I had you.

"Not until I felt you slowly drifting away from me," she whispered, regret evident in her voice.

Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong isagot. Hindi sapat na sabihing nabigla ako sa mga nalamat ko. Deeo down, I was grateful, yet I couldn't tell her that.

"That was the moment I realized how much you were starting to mean to me. But then, may trabaho ako. I dreamed of becoming a model since I was three! Hindi ko kayang basta na lang bitawan ang pangarap ko because of love. I tried balancing things, pero kailangang mag-compromise. And I'm sorry because you were always my second choice."

Unti-unti akong tumayo. "It's okay, Celine..."

But she shook her head. "No, it's not." Again, she released another deep sigh. "Sobra na kitang mahal pero kailangan kong unahin 'yung pangarap ko. That's why, maybe, I deserved this. Aaminin ko na hindi naging madali para sa'kin ang tanggapin ang sitwasyon na 'to. Kaya rin siguro naging bitchy ako kay Lira. God! You both are so kind para palampasin lahat ng mga sinabi ko. At alam ko na wala na akong karapatan pa because you already made a decision." Celine looked at me long enough for me to look back at her and see that she was smiling. "Maybe I wasn't really meant to be with you. And maybe, you were really meant to be with someone else—someone who would make you happy, really happy."

Hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit pero unti-unting gumaan ang dibdib ko. "You're saying...?"

Slowly, her face brightened as her lips formed a curve. "This would hurt until I learn to actually move on, but... yes, I'm finally letting you go, Paul. Although, technically, you're not mine anymore." She even laughed a little.

Without hesitations, I embraced her tightly. "Thank you, Celine! Thank you very much!" I was beyond happy. Celine had no idea how much weight was lifted from my chest because of what she said.

I felt her tap my back. "You deserve happiness, Paul. Kayo ni Lira. Who am I to take that away from you?" Then she was the one to pull away from the hug. She looked at me, still with a smile on her lips. "Now, go. Bago pa magbago ang isip ko."

"Thank you, Celine," I whispered to her as I took my step towards the door.

I had never felt so free since we all got into this situation. And I never felt so excited to see Lira!