Fall

fifteen

fifteen | lira

"Lee, you have to talk. Tell me what's going on your mind. Nakakakaba ka naman, e. You're making me worried. Uy!"

I could hear him speaking beside me, but because my mind could not process what he was saying, I remained mum. Hindi ko rin naman alam kung ano'ng dapat kong sabihin. I'm still at a loss for everything that's happened. Medyo maayos na ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. Kanina, I was even trembling that I almost fainted. But just the same, I could not find my voice.

Everything's still a blur to me. I need further explanation of what happened. I need more time to fathom this dream-like feeling. I need someone to pull me back to reality; to wake me up from this fantasy; to tell me none of it was true for me to stop overthinking and feeling as if I'm in midair.

I wished everything was true! I want it to all be real. Pero hindi ko magawang pakalmahin ang sarili ko. Did that just happen?

After the talk we had with his parents, niyaya niya akong maupo sa garden nila. I was speechless since then.

"Lee... come on. Tell me, are you okay?" He brushed my arm with his soft hands, making me flinch because of the warmth his touch gives. I guess it's almost three in the morning and the breeze sends chills to my skin.

Finally, I had the courage to look him in the eyes and saw apprehension in his pair of black orbs. I really could never get tired of his face, of how lovely he looks, of how his eyes remind me of his love for me.

When our eyes met, siya ang unti-unting nagbawi ng tingin. He looked at the vastness of the sky and sighed heavily. Sadness became the emotion I saw on his face. "I understand, Lee," he whispered. "'Wag mo nang pahirapan pa ang sarili mo. Hindi naman ako magagalit, e. I would never get mad at you." He took a glance at me and smiled sadly, the kind of smile I never want to see on his face. "It's okay. Let's go? Hatid na kita sa inyo."

He stood up from the bench we were sitting on and began to walk away from me. He put his hands on his pockets, laglag ang mga balikat at nakatungo habang humahakbang palayo. He's sad because of me. No, he's hurt because of my stillness, my silence that made him think I was unhappy.

I was not unhappy. I was completely happy, but I just couldn't utter a word.

What shall I do? I was torn between my anxiety brought by the situation and my love for him. I love Paul. I am in love with Paul. Too much in love with him that sometimes I feel like drowning. Ito siguro ang produkto ng ilang taong pagpapanggap na wala akong nararamdaman para sa kaniya.

Siguro, ito 'yung epekto kapag matagal na tinago ang tunay na nararamdaman para sa isang tao. Parang nabuksan na dam ang puso ko. Sumabog na lang lahat ng pagmamahal ko para sa best friend ko.

Kaso, ayaw kong magmadali. Yes, I want to spend my forever with him and no one else. God knows how happy I am with Paul. May kani-kaniya man kaming pinagdaanan sa love, it has all taken us to where we should be; it has led us to one another. It might have not happened in the most perfect timing but everything's been going smoothly between us. However, there would always be fear of the unknown future.

But my love for Paul is just so strong—stronger than my fears and doubts—that I can't just let him walk away.

One part of my mind is telling me to stop him from walking away; to tell him to stay and hear me out. The other is saying something I did not bother listening to.

"Paul..." I mouthed softly I doubt he heard me.

Sparkling Christmas lights and the feel of the Season around us made me feel so overwhelmed. It's up to me now to make everything perfect.