Fall

twelve

twelve | paul

That first week of being free from worries and fears was the best week I have had. Wala akong ibang ginusto para sa amin ni Lira kung hindi ang maging masaya kami, ang maging masaya siya. More than my happiness, hers matters. If she's happy, I am too. At alam kong masaya siya. I am willing to do anything just to make her every day memorable.

Watching her all busy and giddy on her baby pink bride's maid gown as their team works on this wedding, hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko but to really feel grateful. Muli ko na namang tinanong ang sarili ko kung bakit ngayon lang ako naglakas-loob na aminin sa sarili kong mahal ko siya. I should have taken the fall even before. Sana noon pa, masaya na kami ni Lira.

Since high school, I have dreamt of loving her without conditions. Bawat pagkakataon na binibigay sa'kin ng tadhana para maparamdam ko sa kaniyang mahal ko siya, kinukuha ko. Hindi niya alam, but those things I did back then meant so much more than me thanking her for being my best friend. I was beyond grateful that I have her. I was so contented with having her by my side na pakiramdam ko, hindi ko na kailangan ng kahit sino pa sa buhay ko.

But then, I couldn't risk the friendship. Ako 'yung takot. Mahal ko siya but I chose to be silent about it. Natakot rin ako na mawala siya sa'kin, kaya mas pinahalagahan ko 'yung pagkakaibigan namin. Inalagaan ko siya at minahal in a way I know I could always be there for her without compromising anything. I learned to love other girls, but I always ended up searching for something na makakalampas sa kaligayahan na nararamdaman ko with Lira—and I always failed at that.

When I was with Celine, I thought, finally, I can completely love another girl. Yet eventually, I realized it was still Lira. Hurting Celine was my last resort, but I needed to do it.

I know only Lira could make me this happy, that's why I took the risk, finally. At walang papantay sa kaligayahan ko when she said she's been loving me since forever as well. Noong mga oras na 'yun, gusto ko lang siyang yakapin at paulit-ulit na sabihang mahal ko siya. Ang saya ko na finally, kami na.

My heart pounded when her eyes met mine. She smiled at me and waved bago niya kinausap 'yung isang boy na nag-aayos no'ng tripod. Few minutes and the wedding will start. She walked towards me.

Sinalubong ko siya kaagad ng yakap. I gently held her close and kissed her forehead. She blushed in an instant and I smiled because she's really cute whenever she blushes. "Okay ka pa ba, Lee? Do you need help?"

She looked at me lovingly and smiled back. "Thank you, pero ano ka ba? Trabaho ko 'to, I can manage." She pulled away. Umupo siya sa tabi ko habang nagmamasid pa rin sa galaw ng team niya. "Ikaw, hindi ka ba nabo-bore?"

I shook my head. "It's a pleasure to be here. First time ko yatang makita ang best friend kong in action." Madalas ko lang siyang bisitahin sa opisina noon, so seeing her moving on the field is quite a first time. She looked at me amusingly kaya kumunot ang noo ko. "What?"

Siya naman ang umiling at tumawa. "Nothing. Nabigla lang ako sa paggamit mo ng 'best friend'," she said.

And it hit me kaya napangiti rin ako. "Do you prefer 'girlfriend' more? Ha, Lee?" I teased na agad nagpapula ng pisngi niya. "Alright then. I love seeing my girlfriend in action. Makes me fall in love with her even more." Napatawa ako.

Pinalo niya ako sa braso at agad na tumayo. "Pinagtatawanan mo ako, e. Diyan ka na nga. Balik na lang ako do'n."

Mas lumakas ang tawa ko at pinigilan siya. I grabbed her hand at tumayo na rin. "I was just making you smile. Masyado ka na yatang tensed, parang ikaw ang ikakasal."

She just rolled her eyes at nagpaalam na tatapusin lang 'yung inaasikaso nila. After a while, the wedding started. I shall admit na kahit hindi naman talaga ako official part ng entourage—at nabigla ako when the bride's Mom suddenly invited me—hindi ko maiwasang kabahan. Ewan ko, this is not the first time I have attended a wedding ceremony since my two older brothers have already been married, pero iba ang dating sa'kin.

The girls were aligned across us. They each held a bouquet of red roses smaller than the bride's. Sinilip ko si Lira and was surprised when I saw her doing the same. We smiled at each other. When it was our turn to walk on the aisle, I held her hand tightly and whispered I love yous to her, making her blush endlessly. So this is how it feels to be with her in this solemn ceremony.

"After this, we will plan ours, Lee. I love you." She blushed once again before I let go of her hand dahil sa magkabilaang banda ulit kami uupo.

As the wedding continued, nai-imagine ko na kami ni Lira na nagpapalitan ng vows. I don't know. With her, settling down never scares me. I am actually excited. I just want to spend my every day with her.

I glanced at her as the bride and groom exchanged their lifetime promises to each other. She was smiling happily, and she looked so beautiful. Kung ganito na siya kaganda at kasaya to think na kasal pa lang ito ng client niya, what more on her own wedding day—on our wedding day?

Wedding bells were rung and white doves were released. Hanggang sa reception, ang gaan ng vibe. Everyone was congratulating the newly wed couple.

I sat at one corner habang sinusundan ng tingin ang sobra kong busy na girlfriend. Gusto ko na siyang sabihang hayaan na lang sina Madel sa iba pang concerns pero baka mainis lang siya. That's why I made a promise to myself na sa kasal namin, wala siyang ibang gagawin kung hindi ang mag-'I do' at mahalin ako.

Alright, there's no point denying na napapangiti ako tuwing makikita ko kami ni Lira sa isip ko habang bumubuo ng mga pangarap naming dalawa. I was never this happy my entire life!

Napansin kong napatingin siya sa'kin. Maya-maya pa, naglakad na siya patungo sa direksyon ko. Kumakain na rin ang mga bisita kaya for sure, pwede na siyang magpahinga. Nanatili akong nakaupo habang inaantay na makalapit siya.

"Paul, I'm really sorry hindi kita maasikaso, ah?"

Smiling at her, I held out my hand and the moment she reached for it, hinila ko siya palapit at pinaupo sa bakanteng upuan sa tabi ko. I interlocked our fingers and just stared at her. When will I ever get tired of her lovely face?

"Nagtatampo ka ba?" she asked worriedly. "Gusto mo nang umuwi? Magpapaalam ako kay Mrs. Ramirez." The crease on her forehead proved she's really worried about me being left alone. Natuwa ang puso ko knowing na she'd rather go home with me para hindi na ako ma-bore, which I am not, actually. Ayaw ko ring iwan niya ang team niya for my sake.

Napangiti ako lalo at umiling. "Lee..."

"Hmm?"

"I love you." At kahit ako ang nagsabi no'n, para akong kinakapos ng hininga. I will never really get used to this feeling. Kahit ilang ulit ko sigurong sabihin sa kaniya, hindi ako magsasawa. Sobra kong mahal si Lira that even saying I'm in love with her is an understatement.

Natigilan siya and she was blushing again. Suddenly, there were tears in her eyes. "I love you, too, Paul," she whispered. "Please don't make me cry. Nakakainis ka." She covered her face with her other hand. "Naman, Paul!"

It was heartwarming seeing her get emotional just by saying she loves me too. Ganoon din kasi ang nararamdaman ko. Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kamay niya at hinila siya para yakapin. "If telling you I love you would make you cry every time, then I'd stop." I sighed deeply. I pulled away and held her face. Wala na akong pakialam kung may nakakakita man sa amin. "But how can I stop kung 'yun ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo?" sabi ko sa kaniya habang nakatitig sa mga mata niya. "Mahal kita, at hindi ako mapapagod na sabihin 'yun sa'yo."

Tumango-tango siya.

"Now, smile. Baka isipin nila nag-aaway tayo." I laughed lightly and kissed her head. "I love you, Lee."

"I love you, too, Paul."