i dont know if
it seems like im
t r y i n g.
i have spent hours
picking out body
washes and nail
polishes and hair
dyes and perfumes
and taking a fucking
shower because i
have the endless
burning desire to
feel clean again
i have spent a lot
of time on these
things.
but nothing has
seemed to work
so far. it feels like
i am dirty.
i feel dirty.
its not skin deep
(ive learned, from
sitting in the bath
for hours, scrubbing)
its on the inside.
but i cant seem to
get clean.
today i talked to her
and she told me she
didnt want me to be sad
and i told her im sorry
she wanted to know why,
and you know what? i
told her. i called her up and i
spilled out my entire fucking
heart out over the damn telephone.
i didnt want to hear what she had to
say because im sure it wouldnt been
how fucking gross and used i am. so i
hung up. the minute the words hung out
of my mouth i pressed end. deep down i
wanted to know what she would say and she
called me back after that and i sent her to
voicemail and i did not want to talk so i texted
her simply
i love you.
(read, 9:08pm)
