insecure //newtmas au

Chapter Seventeen

status// - edited

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♣Newt's POV♣

When I wake up in the morning, it's obvious I'm not at home.

Tommy's. I'm at Thomas'.

My head is banging and everything hurts.

Please tell me we didn't shag. Please.

Thomas comes out and I groan and burry my face into the pillow.

"Not good ay?" He says laughing a bit. "Here," He says handing me a glass of water, "drink,"

I take a sip then sit it down.

"Thomas did we--," I start to say but I can't find the words. I feel heat flush to my cheeks and he sits down next to me.

"No... No. We didn't. Did you really think I'd let that happen? You er, did want to, but I told you no because I knew you were drunk and didn't know what you wanted and would regret it," He says and I hear the tone in his voice change. He's upset, I can tell.

"I wouldn't of," I say then change my words. "I wouldn't,"

He looks up at me and I see a glimmer in his eyes.

"I love you Tommy, I always have. I always will," I say but I have to tell him. I have to tell him why I'm so frightened of my dad.

"But I can't. I can't be with you," I go on. "Dad.. He wasn't a very good parent, well isn't a very good parent," I say.

"Did.. Did he hit you? Newt I swear to god I'll fucking knock him out!" Thomas says his fists clenching. I grab his hand and he relaxes.

"No. It was more.. Emotional. Mother was always working all the time, and father just, couldn't find time for me. To feed me. Or anything. Even when he did, he'd just call me names, like, f--a-t, u--g-ly," My voice is shaking and I can feel the tears building up in my eyes.

"Newt I," He begins but I just cry into his neck and he wraps his arms around me. Comforting me.

"I.. I know you know I suffered and still suffer from depression. But er, I er, I have body dysmorphia," I say, and he pulls back.

I prepare myself for him to tell me what males can't have it, that I'm weak.

But he doesn't.

He just stares at me.

"What?" I say drying my tears.

"You just can't see it, can you? You're a wonderful person Newt, your so loveable and attractive. I don't deserve you in my life, in the slightest I've done so many terrible things and I just--," I cut him off. I can't deal with his rambling. I kiss him.

His expression softens but he doesn't kiss back, I sadly go to pull away but he pulls me back in and kisses me once softly on the lips.

"I can't Newt, I want to." He says and I hear him curse under his breathe. "I want you, more than I've wanted anyone. This shouldn't of happened, I shouldn't of let this happen. I wasn't meant to fall for you!" He says, he's shaking now.

"Tommy what do you mean?" I say, confused. What is he talking about? Is he saying he wished we never happened?

"Newt. I... The reason we became friends.. It.. Wasn't.." He begins but then Gally busts in.

"Get the hell away from him!" Gally shouts at Thomas pulling me behind him.

Thomas freezes somewhat trying to process what has happened in the last few minutes, hours, days, maybe even months.

"Gally I," He begins but then gets tongue tied.

"I told you! I told you to leave him alone! I told you NOT to do this to him!" He shouts.

Do what? I feel my hands shaking and my hearts beating a thousand miles per hour and I can hardly breathe.

"Do.. Do. What, to me?" I manage to croak out, my breathing shaky.

Gally looks at me. Concerned.

"Thomas was-" Gally begins to say. But that's when I feel myself falling backwards and everything goes black. I can hear Tommy scream my name but I can't respond. I can hear Gally screaming at Thomas, telling him to get away, I want to tell Gally it's fine, I want him here, I need him but I can't.

I hear the sirens and I hear just a whisper from Thomas. "I'm so sorry Newt. So sorry. I love you," He says then kisses my forehead. When he leaves I know he isn't coming back. He isn't coming to the hospital. Coming back to me. Ever.

I feel Gally next to me.

"Newt, I don't know if you can hear me, okay? And this might be a bad time but.. Thomas, Thomas isn't who you think he is. He was paid to be your friend. To look out for you. To make sure you didn't hurt yourself again, and when, when I made someone check his file, I found. I found something out Newt. Something bad." I hear him say. I know he's still speaking but I can't hear him any longer. I can't hear anything and I just want to cry.

To die.

To give up.

Why does everything good in my life have to be darkened within just a few seconds?

Thomas was my flame.

But he just burnt out.

Now everything mentally and physically is black. Darkness.

And I know this time I don't have the strength to come back. To fight, to live.

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Hello! I hope you liked this chapter. I'm sorry for not updating a lot. I'm trying my best. Also people might have questions about this chapter so I'll just say now, ask away, but I'll just let you know, Newt blacking out wasn't purposely, it wasn't a suicide attempt.

Anyway, much love to you all x

-char x