insecure //newtmas au

Chapter Six

status// - edited

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♣Newt's POV♣

Even know I don't have any lessons today, I have to go in. To see Kester. Which is stupid because he's about as much help as a chocolate tea pot, and he's probably going to question me about Tommy because of last week, and I can't be having that.

Me and Thomas are getting along, and for once, I actually feel happy, and I'm not going to let Kester ruin that. Or my dad.

Walking into school I catch Kester getting his things out of his car. He smiles at me. "You couldn't help me? Could you Newton?" He says eyeing the boxes he's struggling to carry. I sigh. NEWT. I feel like screaming in his face, but I grab a box and walk inside the school towards his office.

"So. How have you been?" He says laying the box he's carrying down on his deck, me putting the other one next to it.

"Alright I guess," I mumble.

"And the Thomas situation?" Really? didn't I say he would bring this up.

"Don't know what you're talking about," I growl.

"Come on Newton, I thought we agreed to be honest with each other in these sessions,"

"Newt!" I shout. ONE DAY HE WILL LEARN TO GET IT RIGHT.

"Newt then,"

"It's good I guess. But I don't think his friends like me very much,"

"Why do you think that?" 

"Why wouldn't I think that, I mean, apart from Thomas, nobody has really jumped at the opportunity of being my friend," I say pulling at the dead skin on my bottom lip with my teeth.

"Newt..."

"Don't Newt me! It's true, we've been doing these sessions for ages, but it doesn't change anything does it? My mum still works long hours to get away from me. My father is still ashamed of me being gay and only comes home to shout at me, and Gally, fuck, Gally is so high to even care what's going on half the time Kester!" I say getting annoyed.

"I don't know what you expect me to say?" He says.

"I expect you to say the truth, and help me. Not all this bullshit!" I shout.

"The truth? Right okay, close your eyes," He says calmly.

"What?"

"Close. Your. Eyes." He says again.

I close my eyes and he beginnings again. 

"Now, tell me what you don't like about yourself" He says.

"What?" I laugh.

"Go on, tell me and be serious, and don't get angry or sarcastic with me. Just do it,"

"I'm fat... and I'm ugly... and I ruin everything and nobody likes me. Including myself and I can't love myself, how can someone else?" I say my voice croaking as the words come out.

"And how long have you felt that way?"

"It started when I was around 7 or 8 I guess," I say sadly.

"This is an opinion you formed on yourself such a long time ago then." 

I nod. Eyes still closed.

"Open your eyes," He says and I do. "Now I want you to do something for me, I want you to imagine a eight year old version of yourself sitting over there," He says pointing to an empty chair. 

I take a deep breathe and try and a few seconds later, I can see me. A eight year old me sitting on that chair.

"Now this is the little boy that first believed he was ugly, fat and a mess," He says. "Can you see him," 

I didn't understand where he was going with this but I answer.

"Yes,"

"Right, now tell that little boy he's fat,"

"What? No, I'm not going to do that,"

"Tell that little boy he's ugly,"

"No!"

"Or a mess?"

"No!" 

"That he ruins everything and that everybody hates him and he will never be loved,"

"No, just stop it. Alright? No."

"What do you want to say to that little boy?" He says. "That boy who is breaking inside," He adds.

"That he's fine. That he shouldn't care about what other people think and that he is loved," I say trying not to cry. 

"Then that's what you need to tell yourself Newt... Every time you feel yourself slipping, every time you feel the need to cut, to hurt yourself. You need to remind yourself that everything's going to be okay."

I take a deep breathe and I know somewhere at the back of my mind, that he's right.

But it doesn't work on me. Well, it does, but only temporally, only one person makes me feel like I'm none of those things, and we aren't even close.

Tommy.

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Hi! Sorry I haven't updated in a while, i was deciding where I wanted to go with this story and I have a few ideas now haha. I know this chapter is quite short (again, sorry) and has no Newtmas but I hope you enjoyed it. Kester is important to the plot so sorry if that bores you but yeah.

((I hope somebody got the mmfd references+ yes i did name Kester after Kester in that lol))

Please vote, comment and share as it makes me feel loved and want to update quicker and it only takes a few seconds.

Thankyou.

Much love.

-Char x