A Step Away From Falling ➸ h.s. [Needs Editing]

Chapter 34: "I love you"

A/N: So I had two ideas about how this chapter could go. I didn't know which one to do so I did this. I called my first idea "red" and the second idea "blue". Then I asked my bff red or blue? without her knowing what they stood for. She chose red. Stephanie, this is the idea you chose without knowing :P

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Zayn's POV

Soft knocks on my door had me throwing the remote control on the couch before standing up to answer the door. It was around ten o'clock pm. No one comes to visit at this time. Which is why I was cautious to open the door. 

I opened the door hesitantly to find Helen in front of me, staring at the ground. 

"Helen?" I inquired.

She slowly looked up at me and I finally saw the tears streaming down her face. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying.

"Zayn" she breathed before stepping towards me and hugging me. I pulled my arms around her figure in a protective matter, letting her cry against my chest. Soft sobs escaped her lips and I closed my eyes at the sounds. It was painful to see her like this. More painful than anything I've ever experienced before. 

"I don't want to be alone at home, Zayn. I might do something. Something really bad" she whimpered. I stroked her hair with my hand and sighed.

"Come in" I stated. She hesitated before breaking the embrace and stepping inside my flat.

It was when I turned around to face her and found her lost eyes watching me that I realized what was happening.

I had wanted to take her away from self harm. I trained her to make her stronger, to make her feel powerful. I wanted her to feel like she could do anything so she didn't have to inflict pain to herself to replace her heartache with physical pain. Instead while trying to help her, I became her anchor. I replaced her self harming but not with what I had intended, but with myself. I'm what is keeping her alive now. She seeks in me reassurance and comfort. I had wanted to help her, instead I made her dependent of me. I don't know how to feel about that...

"What did I tell you to do if you ever felt like doing something bad?" I asked, my voice hard. I didn't mean to sound so harsh, I was frustrated at myself, not her.

"Work out. The bigger the urge to hurt myself, the more I should work out. The harder I should push myself. Until I'm too exhausted to do something else" she replied, her eyes fixed on the floor. 

"Right. So let's go" I said, while walking towards my home-gym. I could hear Helen's soft steps behind me so I knew she was following.

I took a breath.

I had failed at helping her. I mean, it was good that I could keep her from hurting herself, but I still failed at what I had hoped to achieve with her.

I didn't deal well with failure.

"Take some globes, let's get all that pain out" I said flatly.

She did as I asked and put on two red boxing globes. I met her in front of the punching bag and held it in place.

"Now" I said.

She responded by connecting three punches with her left hand. Then three with her right. 

"Again" I said.

Once again she repeated the exercise.

"Next" I said. Now she did a combination of jabs and hooks. I made her repeat those five times.