In the end

Chapter 21 - The Screaming

This one's kinda short but it's the only place I could end the chapter.

~ Bree POV ~

It's amazing how fast goes by. For the first time in a very long time I was actually wished I had a TV. "J?" "Yeah" "I fainted in front of him." "Did he freak?" "No. He was actually really cool about it." "Did you tell him?" "No" "Well, it could have been worse. At least you didn't puke on him. Remember that time-?" "How can I forget, you love that story."

We were pretty much comatose in front of the laptop for a good 9 hours before we remembered that we both had work in the morning. It was actually a really good show but it was also super weird to see Jared like that. He was so young and adorable but his hair was so much better now. Plus every time he got into a fight or someone hit him I got angry and started yelling at the screen. I felt bad for thinking it but a couple of the episode so far were a little cheesy but it must keep getting better because the show was in its eighth season. We said goodnight and I stupidly figured I'd watch one more episode and turn in. Yeah right. More like 3 more and now it's two in the morning. 7 am is gonna suck.

I was completely correct. I really didn't want to get out off bed. Until I saw a text from Jared asking if I wanted to meet him for lunch. ~ P.s. The camera guy should be gone. Cliff got him bounced him for trespassing near a private residence ~ I suddenly has a way better outlook for the day. I peeked out the front window just to make sure and the coast was joyously clear. I grabbed the mail on the way out and found myself almost skipping to work, having to make a conscious effort to act normal. I felt almost like I was high, smiling at things that normally freaked me out. Things like chihuahuas and babies. Until I got there, then everything went downhill fast. Like Clark Griswold on an oiled sled fast. First I forgot all the paperwork for a new project we were working on then I spilled coffee all over myself. While wearing a white blazer. Yup. Just cause it's me.

I was trying to put all the crap out of my mind and concentrate on work when Brit popped her head into my off looking thoroughly curious. "Um. There's a call for you. From the Vancouver Sun." She said it more like a question. Oh my god. How the hell did they find out where I work or even my name for that matter? "Can you please tell take a message hun." "Sure thing." I put my forehead on the desk when I started to feel the panic creeping in. Just breathe. In. Out. Your ok. Everything's fine. In. Out. I grabbed my cell and texted Jared. ~ Somebody from the paper called me at work ~ I didn't take it but I have a feeling they're gonna call back ~ I put my phone on my desk and tried really hard not to check it every 30 seconds but failed spectacularly. He texted back about a half hour later right when I had managed to stop obsessing over it. ~ I'm sorry about that. I feel terrible that you're having to deal with this crap ~ and unfortunately it's probably gonna get worse until they lose interest ~ I got nervous at how many times he had said this. Not because of the idea of your whole relationship being out there for public consumption but because it seemed like something that had happened to him so often he was used to it.

I went home that night and locked myself away. I turned my phone off and lay in bed in the dark. Could I handle this? This is not who I am at all. I'd spent the last 13 years hiding, trying to put my life back together and get to a place where I was able to be alone without hearing the screaming. Things I've never told another person. Not even my best friend. A nice, quiet and above all an anonymous existence was all I had hoped for. Now I had met this person, someone I didn't really know but wanted so much. Why shouldn't I have this. Everyone else was allowed to live their lives and fall in love, get married and... And be happy. Why not me?  I smashed my fists down onto the bed and could hear that little voice that always seemed to be in the back of my mind.  ~ You don't get to have a normal life. You know why and what will happen if you try. You're a stain on everything you touch. ~

My dreams were filled with everything I've been running from all this time. What I've spent a lifetime shoving down into the deepest parts of myself. I felt the scratching and the feel of the cold water beneath me. Above all there was screaming. It always ended in screaming.