In the end

Chapter 49 - Never enough

When we finally made it back to the hotel I felt oddly lighter even with these suddenly relentless new thoughts weighing me down. With how quickly an idea can take over my mind and eclipse all rationality, I would probably make for a fascinating case study for a psychologist.

We made plans to meet everyone for dinner that night as a kinda last hurrah, Jensen was flying back earlier than us because he was directing an episode. Jared still had a week of vacation left and wanted to spend it at home just he and I, while I was carefully fine tuning the question I wanted to ask him. I turned it over in my head as I showered, fully aware that I was being ridiculous. Now that I was actually thinking about I don't know what a psychologist could tell me about myself that I didn't know already. Severe abandonment issues stemming from the loss of both parents at a young age. Fear of inadequacy, low self-esteem, and TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE unresolved issues with cabins and general wooded areas in general. I've had a lifetime of trying to work on facing most of my issues, especially now with Jared in my life (heart, soul, entire everything that I am) but I've never been able to face that last thing. Amazingly enough living in British Columbia all this time has never been a problem. "Wanna go camping with us this weekend?" "Aww I wish, I have this big project due on Monday. I'm not feeling well. I'm deathly allergic to every tree, bush and rock in that exact area." After a while of that people stopped asking.

"You ok, babe?" The soft knock on the door was enough to make me jump and yank me back to reality. I'm not sure how long I was in there but at that point I was pretty much just standing half under the spray all wrinkled and pruny. "Yeah, I uh... kinda spaced out I guess." There was a few seconds of silence before he replied. "Okay, just checking."  I shut the water off and stepped out but I purposely didn't reach for a towel. I leaned back over the tub and tried to squeeze the worst of the water from my hair. It was silent on the other side of the door but I knew he was still standing there. Swallowing my insecurities and pointless shyness I stood up and didn't reach for a towel. "Come in." There was a long pause I fully expected before he opened the door.

His face was priceless. He went from normal to wide eyed and red in less than a second. But as soon as I looked him in the eyes all my fears vanished. He was my forever. I wondered why I had ever been scared in the first place. I couldn't hide my smirk as I leaned up to give him a quick kiss before walking passed him to the bedroom. I was halfway dressed by the time I heard him walk into the room. "God women, you trying to give me a heart attack?" He put his hand over his heart dramatically and tried to scowl and me but his eyes were bright. "You're right, I mean you are getting older." His eyes narrowed and the corner of his mouth crawled up giving him this amused and slightly evil look. He stalked towards me all swagger and confidence and it was sexy as hell.
"Older huh? You better get used to it babe. I'm gonna get grey and wrinkly and bald." I pushed him down to sit on the edge of the bed so I could crawl into his lap. I couldn't help but laugh at the image in my head. "Even when you have no teeth and your balls sag to your knees you're still gonna be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. And I'm gonna kiss your old, wrinkly ass every day." He burst out laughing and hugged me tight. "And when your boobs sag and your ass gets fat I'm gonna love you even more."

I buried my face in the crook of his neck let the feeling run through me before I pulled back so our noses touched. He kissed me slow and deep enough until the need for air broke us apart. Even then our lips were still touching. He whispered against my lips and I repeated it back to him. "Forever."

Jared let out a soft groan that had me worried for about 1 second before I felt exactly why. "Oh you pervert." I looked down and he blushed. "I can't help it when you're sitting on me like this." I kissed him before he could say anything else. I moved my mouth to his ear bit down lightly and smiled when his hips jerked. "You're evil." The words came out as a moan and sent a flash of heat all the way down to my toes. His hands dropped to the hem of my shirt but before he could slide it up I put my hands on his chest and slammed him down onto the bed. His eyes flew open with a loud gasp. "Wha-." I shushed him and climbed on top of him as slowly as the ache in my belly allowed. He automatically put his hands on my waist and leaned up to kiss me. I closed my hands around his wrists and pulled his arms up over his head.

His eyes widened and swear I could almost hear his heart pounding. "Keep your hands up." He stared for a second before jerking his head in a nod. I started unbuttoning his shirt and now I could feel his heart fluttering beneath my fingers. I let out a huff in frustration. A thousand degrees out and he still wears 2 shirts. I don't know what my expression was but immediately started to shuffling out of his shirts. Oh my god. Why he insisted on wearing clothes at all was beyond me. When his chest was bare he laid back and not taking his eyes from mine he put his hands back over his head. I honestly think I growled a little before I bent down to attack his neck. He moaned softy and tilted his head back and to the side exposing the curve of throat. I dragged my tongue along his jaw and nipped behind his ear. His breathing was almost obscene and it made me crazy. I wanted every little sound I could pull from his mouth. I slid lower down his body and felt his arms twitch. I lifted my head enough to look at him and he was gorgeous. His cheeks were flushed and his bottom lip looked a little swollen and I knew he'd been biting it. "Do I have to tie you down?" His hips shot up again and he threw his head back. "Oh my god." I trailed my tongue down the middle of his chest until I reached his belly button pausing to dip into the hollow there. "I- I can't-." He was practically vibrating when I took his nipple between my teeth and bit down a bit too hard. "Oh fuck." He was so responsive I could feel myself losing control and I didn't even have his pants off yet!

The second I reached for his belt he let out a feral sound and lunged up flipping us over. "You." He didn't finish whatever he was saying and started ripping off my clothes. He started pressing his lips down my body stopping on each word. "You. Drive. Me. Crazy." Even if I wanted to fight him for dominance I was way too far from rational thought to do anything about it. "Looks like I will have to tie you down next time." His eyes glazed over with a dark and hungry stare that made me shiver. He used his hands and lips and teeth and pulled me apart beneath him until I was boneless and drunk from his touch. I forgot all my careful planning and what I was going to say and just revelled in the sensations he brought to the surface of my skin. For now this is where I wanted to stay.