Cloud POV (22 years go)
My hands are trembling while I open the journal she had given me a day before she died. Kabilin bilinan niyang hindi ko bubuksan ang journal niya hanggang hindi dumadating ang araw. And I know what day she is referring to. Because she knows when will it be.
April 30
Death they say is unpredictable. It will come in an unexpected time and date. But guess what? Not in my case. Because I know when will I die. 30 days from now.
Yan ang nakasulat sa unang page ng journal. I flipped through the next pages and what was written there was the daily events of her life and the first day starts on the day she saw me on the elevator. Binasa ko ang lahat ng entry kahit nanlalabo ang mga mata ko hanggang sa makarating ako sa page after the 30th day ang araw ng kasal naming. But entry is not dated. It is obvious that she stopped writing in her journal after our wedding. It was dated the day before Sky's operation, the day before she died. And that was only yesterday. Fresh tears fall from my eyes.
I am writing this final entry on the day before I finally lost my sight and this may be my last day too because I can almost fell it coming.
I still don't believe that there is such a thing as happily ever after because of the factors such as death which is very certain to arrive, but on our life's journey we could make our daily life a joyful and happy one. And maybe, just maybe accumulating that daily happiness could last us a lifetime or maybe much much more.
I never knew how to describe the day that I saw him again. At first I thought it was the most dreadful day of my life because I saw him and because it was also the day that I felt that the painkillers are no longer effective. My headaches are more frequent and the vomiting too. 17 weeks are almost over. Just 30 more days. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to face it. On how could my child live without me. She hadn't even seen the beauty of the world. But it wasn't that dreadful after all. Because on the day that I saw him, I am unconsciously living my life again. He scare the hell out of me yet, he awakens something in me that I have kept locked at the very back of my mind and heart. My love for him.
I have searched everywhere for someone who could replace him. Who could touched my heart the way he did but I failed. They all end up short. That's why I kept on searching. Others call it whoring but I don't care. I just wanted to fill the space he left.
I wanted to hate him. I wanted him out of our lives because of the pain he'd cause me. But I can't. I just can't because after all these years he is the only guy that has touched my heart.
The only guy that I love.
Until I have decided not to waste anymore time. I have decided to spend the rest of my short life with him and I know this time I wouldn't go wrong.
Because my heart will finally find its missing piece.
To Skylar, I apologize for the times that I am not at your side. To guide you and to teach you things. I know that you are too young to understand but when you grew up, I know that you would understand what I have done. There's still hope in you and there's none in me. I knew it the day that I found out that I am pregnant. I knew the risk I have taken when I've decided that I've got to have you, no matter what it takes. Even if it takes my life. Ive got to have you. When I've decided to quit my medication. Your grandparents might not understand the decision that I have made but your life is as important to me as my life. I have live a full 18 years of life at that time and you haven't even started yours. It would be very selfish of me not to allow you to experience life. I love you baby.
To Cloud, I am sorry if I made things hard for you. I'd seen your effort and I often wondered what it would be like to just give in, to just allow you to be in my life again. Everyday, since I've seen you in that elevator made me contemplate on that. I am not even scared that you would leave me again. I am not scared to get hurt but I'm scared of what you would feel. The moment you told me that you love me, my heart swelled with both happiness and sadness. Sadness because I know how much heartache I would eventually bring into your life. So I declined, thinking that if you would hate me, it wouldn't be too painful on your part when I'm gone.
But you gave me hope and you never gave up. I dread to see the day that you would cry in front of me because of my condition, I dread to see the pity in your eyes.
I'm sorry if I couldn't be beside you forever. Thank you for making me happy for the remaining days of my life. It may be the shortest year of my life but the happiness you've given me is enough to last me a lifetime.
I depart this life with a smile in my lips and with a heart that is full of love and joy because I know that you are there to take care of Skylar, because I know that when she grows up, she will be there to take care of you too. And my only wish and maybe my last one too is for both of you to support each other. Be strong for her Cloud because she needs you. As strong as the times when you controlled your tears in front of me when I succumbed to my sickness. As strong as the time when you control your cries when I writhe in pain.
Alam kong mahirap gawin but after I left, live your life again. Wag mong isiping di mo kaya. I know kaya mo dahil malakas ka. If you are not strong you wouldn't marry a dying person at saluhin ang lahat ng sakit na ibibigay ng sakit ko. I know you are strong because you are my pillar when I myself would love to give up. Be happy for her and for me. Please.
Wag kang manghinayang becausethat one year of pure happiness and love that I've stayed with you and Sky at my side is enough to last me a second lifetime.
And despite and inspite of everything my love for you never waver instead it becomes stronger. And if I will be given a second lifetime, I would still choosae to love you.
I love you Daddy.
