The innocent life of an awkward teen(originally 'My Rants')

Him, my mouse trap

You might be thinking 2 rants in one day, OMG, but I feel like I had to get this out.

Becca was supposed to find out who he (him) likes. But I feel like I'm walking into a mouse trap, just waiting to get hurt, I think in walking past all the warning signs, not even bothering to read them. I really don't know what to do, I mean you can't just stop liking someone. Most of the time the only way people stop liking someone is if they get hurt by them, but even then you may still like them for a while, hating them, but loving them, not able to control yourself, not able to get over them, not able to move on. I felt that once I found out who he likes it's not going to be me, it never is, and I'm going to be the one telling myself, I told you so. Which, again is going to hurt, but there is nothing I can do, I want to believe he likes me, but there a million girls in our school, what are the chances that it's me. Even writing this hurts, my chest it starting to feel tight, I'm starting to shake, I feel that this guy is making me fall apart, and once he really smashes me or hurts me, I'm not going to be able to pick up all the pieces and put them back together the way they were. And listening to all these love songs is not helping me, only making me think about something I can't have, that I can't reach, can't touch, won't be able to hold. I feel so fragile, like a mirror, you can look into me see who you are, what you want, you turn away from me, go find what you looking for, and once you drop me I'm done for, your never able to find all the pieces, all the tiny ones that are needed to put me back together, only able to find the obvious ones, the big ones, the ones everybody sees. I wish I didn't feel this way, but I can't make it go away, people can try to help me, people can try to keep me from falling, but the people that try to keep me from dropping aren't the ones who drop me, I might get lucky if I'm not dropped, if I'm treasured. Even then, things don't last forever, they either give up, get tossed away, or get forgotten. I don't want to feel this way, nobody wants to but it's just the way life is. To think the original thought of liking someone is so they can eventually like you back, you can fall in love, but most stories don't happen like that, this isn't a fairy tale this is reality. Most of the time what happens is
1. someone falls in love, the other person feels the same way, they get together, someone gets cheated on.
2. 2 people fall in love with each other, but they never know they've fallen in love with each other, they just sit there thinking about each other, eventually forgetting each other
3. couple gets together, they break up, someone always gets hurt
4. a person falls head over heals for someone else, but the person just sits there lets nothing happen, only trying to hide it, not on purpose but they want to keep it a secret (me)
Rarely does it ever have a happy ending, where they love each other, never letting go.

Him, he's tearing me apart, making me cry, giving me stomach pain, making me shake, making my chest feel tight (< all happening right now), making me fall for him, but yet it's all my fault. My brain said no, but my heart said yes, I can't make him go away. I want that happy ending, but I don't think I'm going to get it. Maybe I'm thinking about this too hard, but crushes, love, make you think and do funny things. He's all I think about, I feel like this is the opposite of a fairytale, I feel like your crush is your worst nightmare, but I want to be with him, I want him to be by my side. I just want this to stop, the madness, but I feel like it won't until I get hurt. By then it will to late, the pieces will already be lost, never to be found.

Most of you don't care about how I feel, about this, about him, some of you might not even have a crush. Maybe this is all stupid, something I shouldn't be thinking about, maybe I should be thinking about grades, my future, or something like that. But like I said before, I can't help it, he won't go away, and I don't think I can make him, I just have to wait, keep reading, to see the end of this tale.

Him, why?

~Kayla