the night :: c.h. (2)

o n e / d e c

» But my head hurts
And without you it's worse
Suffocating on my own
You're killing me, I hope you know «

song: my head hurts - wavves

D E C E M B E R

Calum woke up with the sun peaking through his window. He slowly opened one eye, still slightly squeezing them shut so that his eyes could adjust to the light first. The sun was shining bright, and it had snowed quite a bit, and overall it was one of those days that you would consider a beautiful one.

Which was why he hated everything about it.

Looking down his body, he still wore his jeans and sweatshirt from yesterday, the one that was covered in blood and terrible memories. He immediately tried to brush it off him, but since the blood was already dry and left as a brown crust on the surface of the fabric it didn't work really well. Frustrated, he let himself fall back on his pillow, rubbing his eyes with his with blood covered fingers.

His head hurt like hell.

Not because there was an itching pain coming from the now swollen bruise on his temple, and a sore feeling in his throat, but because he couldn't think clear.

After he had come come yesterday, he snuck himself up in his room while his mom was watching some cheesy movie on tv, and tried his best to realize what had happened that day. He tried to at least let the thought of her leaving sink in, and so he ended up locking himself in his room the entire evening, sitting in front of the window in some sort of freeze, like the whole world stood still. He wanted to tell himself that she was gone, gone and now and forever gone, that that nothing in this world could bring her back.

Grief was pointless, and wishing she would come back wouldn't do anything either, so he sat there for about four hours indesicive of what he should feel and think.

And he came to the conclusion that all he really wanted at this moment was to disappear.

And now the sun was shining bright through the window, and he knew she was gone. And it didn't make a difference what he thought or felt.

He pulled the shirt over his face and threw it in the nearest corner and leant back to the wall next to his bed with his shirtless self, still staring out the window and hating every bit about it.

He felt numb. Everything inside him seemed to have stopped working, and so he ended up not feeling anything at all. And if he did, he didn't have a feeling for what he felt. Emptiness, yeah, that probably hit it best.

He was freezing but didn't feel any cold.

He wondered what she was doing. If she was already out of the state, sitting in a plane or car or already by the beach somewhere, and had forgot about him already because she was used to it.

He didn't understand how it was possible to love someone that didn't even exist. He wondered if everything would've been different if she never had to pretend to be someone else in the first place, but then they probably would've never met.

Time seemed to have stood still. Everything around him was silent and he found relief in that.

At one point, however, his mom tried to open the door, to find it locked.

"Calum?", she said through the closed door, "Are you in there?"

He remained silent. He didn't want ro hear anything from anyone, and found his mom's voice more annoying than ever. But she didn't gave in, kept knocking and asking for him to please open the door or tell her he was inside there.