NOVEMBER GOT ME YOU

Chapter 13

DINA'S P.O.V

"I should've known it would hurt me so bad, Mom."

"No darling, you can't expect you'd be doing much better if you held yourself back."

I bit my nails. "Dang, it hurts."

"Be reckless. Be whatever you want. Do anything you think you can do. Let yourself fall into failures. Now is the time for you to learn. That to love is to sacrifice the deepest, most fragile part of yourself, with big possibility of being hurt."

"But Mom... What if it's just too hurt because I can't reach the end?" I sobbed. It's been twice in five minutes that I burst out cried.

"Breathe. If anything goes wrong, breathe. Remember why you wanted to stick around it at the first place. Remember what makes it so important to you."

I breathed. Deep and hurt. Mom asked me to breathe, so I did. This random gloomy Monday when Mom decided to come home early before Dad, turned into an important conversation where I most likely couldn't stop crying to Mom about Connor.

Connor. It's yesterday and I still could smell his perfume on my sweater.

"Is there even a regret in love?" I mumbled.

"To me? No. Sweety, it's not a regret. It's you who are just confused as of where else to go from here, like there isn't a hint you could see to solve the problem. But I promise you don't regret it."

"How could I tell..."

"You love him, don't you?"

I choked. Mom just hugged me right away. She knew I couldn't answer that because how obvious the answer would be. And second, I was already too vulnerable to questions like that. Look. Jakarta was a new thing again to me. Much like them, I just got back from a long search of life in London. I wouldn't be as fragile as I was now at home because London and college always did a good job at keeping me busy. Now in Jakarta, I felt hopeless. Every minute that I spent in my room always reminded me of Connor. Every beep on my phone, I wish it was him.

And no, he hasn't texted me yet.

The afternoon talk was over. Mom said she would go and meet my father because they had to go to grocery store before coming home. I felt bad. It should've been my job to make sure home was all stocked with food.

"Dina? Hey, how are you?" Steve called me right when I stood by the driveway.

"Uhm pretty good. How are you yourself?"

"Still dead tired." He chuckled. "I can't stop thinking about you. Are you seriously okay? Well I mean I have time today in case you want to go somewhere."

"That'd be..." I had my eyes locked on random stuff outside, that made me swallow my words.

"Na?"

"Oh. Yeah I, uh... Can we go to the port again?" I whispered, too queitly.

"Of course. Let me pick you up in fifteen. You good?"

"Thank you."

Steve ended the call right away. But me, I still stood outside for no reason. It was hot. The sun was about to set and I was sweating. I wasn't me today. I haven't been myself for the last three days. I missed my so-called almost lover.

"Mom, hey I know you're busy at the store, but I'm sorry, I hope you don't mind if I go out with Steve to the port. It won't take long. I don't drive. He's gonna pick me. I love you..."

I left the voice note to Mom in case she looked for me. I just needed this moment to let out all of my feelings to wide ocean. To the same place I spent my time with Connor two nights ago. The port.