Annoying Adam

Emotionless

When I went back into the hospital, escorted by a security guard who had come out and grabbed my arm, the nurses and doctors were looking at me carefully, as if I was a bomb with approximately three seconds left on the timer.

"I am not emotionally unstable," I said to them, my voice carrying a little further than I thought. Apparently, I didn't have 100% control over my voice either.

I'm not emotionally anything any more, I didn't say.

I'm fairly sure that would have me sent to a therapist, and although it would be a waste of my mom's money, it would be a waste of the therapist's time. It was a lose/lose situation, and I figured, however worthless I might be, I could help others avoid having useless situations.

I then heard a voice which brought me out of my thoughts, the voice of someone I would have to cut out of my life forever, however painful it might be.

I gently removed my arm from the stunned security guard's grip, then walked outside, keeping my breathing steady and even. I didn't have the stability to face him right now. I needed a few more weeks to patch myself up and get used to the idea of being worthless. It was something that I had never had to face before, even during That One Day.

Within a few minutes, I saw my mom's car pull up to the curb. I opened the door and climbed calmly into the interior, Bandit following right after me, settling calmly by my feet. A sense of utter clarity settled over me as we drove in tense silence home.

I stared out of the windshield all the way home, not saying anything. I saw my mom open her mouth to say something a couple times out of the corner of my eye, but she closed it each time after a glance at what I imagine was my unemotional face. If it was already this bad, I couldn't imagine how it was going to be when I got home and my life progressed.

As soon as we got parked, I let Bandit out and thanked my mom for driving me home from the hospital. I saw the curtains over at the Black's home flutter. Mrs. Black was watching me.

That didn't bother me as much as it would have used to.

Bandit wound around my ankles like a cat, and a strained smile broke out on my face.

Honestly, I was too tired to fight what my mom was going to ask me. I was too tired of living to even say a word. The extreme wariness of having to think and make decisions that would affect me, and have an effect on others was wearing me down. No wonder people committed suicide. They just figured life wasn't worth living anymore.

But if I killed myself, then my mom and Liz would probably be sad that my miserable life had been taken, albeit at the hands of myself. And, since I was still able to feel the emotions that we humans called 'love', I decided that killing myself would be a terrible decision.

I walked up to my room silently, ignoring Lizzy's scared look. No one was in there, so I crawled under the covers and fell asleep.

---

The next couple weeks passed in a blur.

At school, I tried to become a wallflower. For the life of me, I couldn't remember almost anything. I just remember thinking that maybe, if I stayed low, no one would see me, or even recognize me with these new scars and battle wounds. My brain was on autopilot and I allowed myself to be pushed around and shoved into lockers. There was no reason to stick up for my useless self.

I do remember this one thing though.

It was in the hallways during lunch break. I hadn't packed anything and didn't have any money (as was becoming usual for me), so I was just hanging around the hallway where my locker was, waiting for the next period to start.