Crack Fic Because Lol, Wut?

Dark Lord Elmo

>> Did I say that I would put up a Halloween special on Halloween?
Oops. I got busy. Sorry, guys! Hey, it's not too late to do one right now!
Do not read if you still have your innocence.<<

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"Prepare your anuses for....... The nacho tac--"
"JOHN CEE-"
"NO." Ciel punches Gracious.
"OW. Okay, he said to prepare our anuses and he took too long to finish his damn sentence, so I had to say John Cena."
"That's an old joke."
"As I was saying," continued the Retard. "Prepare your anuses for... The nacho taco!!!"
"That's stupid." Comments Gracious.
Jacksepticeye puts a hand on his chest. "IT'S A TACO WITH A NACHO SHELL, IT'S JUST AMAZING."
"Like Dipper's Taco?"
Everyone goes silent.
Ciel takes a thoughtful walk around the lunch area before coming back. "I hate you for mentioning Dipper Goes To Taco Bell."
"That's a nasty fanfic. Who even wrote that?!" asks Jackcsepcticeye.
"I don't know, but it's a bit more scary and scarring than nasty." replies The Retard.
"You guys wanna know what's scarier than Dipper and Taco Bell?" says Gracious.
"What could possibly be more scarring?" Ciel wonders aloud.
"I believe that you haven't heard the story of.... Dark... Lord.. Elmo!"
"E-eh? You mean Elmo from Elmo's World?"
"No, I mean the Youtuber."
"Oh."
"Dumbass, that was sarcasm, yes, I mean Elmo from Elmo's world!!"
Ciel thinks for a moment before shaking his head. "Really? Nothing is scary about Elmo but the way he moves."
"Oh really? You wanna bet I can't change your views of Elmo?" challenges Gracious.
"Hell, yeah!" they all say in unison.
"Alright, well, here's a story for you. Sit your asses down and listen, jackasses. It was a bright, cloudless day in Disneyland-"
"Wait, Elmo has nothing to do with Disney.." Interjects the Retard.
"He.... He doesn't?"
"Nope."
"Oh.... Well.. Fuck you, shut the hell up, I'm trying to tell my story, geez! Anyways, it was a bright, cloudless day in Disneyland and a little girl wanted to meet Mickey Mouse."
"Wait, why--"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN. Mickey Mouse didn't really seem to be busy, so the girl went over to him."
"What was the girl's name?" asked Jacksepticeye.
"PINGUS."
"You mean the girl who squished her pet rabbit against the wall?" asked Ciel.
"Yup, the same girl."
"Amazing."
"So PINGUS went over to Mickey and said, 'Hey Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine, I'll make you mine, hey Mickey!'"
"That's not how the song goe--"
"SHUT UP, I KNOW, FUCK YOU, JUST LISTEN PLEASE. So Mickey turned to her and said, 'Haha! I appreciate you thinking I'm so fine! You know, I haven't had any company for a while, so how would you like to come to the Clubhouse?' PINGUS was zealous, so she jumped and and down as she said 'Yes, yes, yes, yes!!!!' Mickey was excited too, so he took her by the hand and led her to a small building. The metal door had a sign that read 'Do not enter', but Mickey kindly explained to her that it meant it was for club members only."
"That was a little banal, to be honest." commented the Retard.
"Your face is banal."
".... How is that possib--"
"Shut it, faggot. Anyways, Mickey led her inside and closed the door behind them. It was pitch black. PINGUS called for Mickey because he had let go of her hand and she couldn't see him, but he didn't answer. Though she could hear the sound of a zipper being pulled violently."
"HE'S TAKING OUT HIS DICK." Jacksepticeye screamed.
"NOT YET, DAMMIT, SHUSH."
"WHAT DO YOU MEANT 'YET'?"
"SHUT. THE. HELL. UP. DAMN, SON. Okay! So there was a rustling sound and then the sound of a lighter being clicked."
"Are you sure this was aimed for Elmo? Or is it aimed for Mickey Mo--"
"DUDE. SHUT UP. ASK YOUR QUESTIONS AT THE END, HOW ABOUT THAT?! All of the sudden, there is a huge burst of flames surrounding PINGUS and she screams. At her feet was Mickey Mouse's body. Or suit, I should say. A high-pitched voice behind her made her jump as it said, 'Welcome to Elmo's World!'"
"Oh, shit.... I would have pissed my pants at that moment." Ciel interrupted.
"I would have punched him in his exposed nuts."
"Exposed nuts?" asks Jack. "Wait... IS HE NAKED?!"
"He's naked in every episode of Elmo's World. He just didn't have a stiffy then, though."
"WHAT?!"
"Back to the story! When she sees Elmo, she seemed to calm down a bit, but seeing his stiffy.. 'E-Elmo.. What is that?' Elmo looked down just to see his huge... red... hairy.."
"PLEASE DON'T." Yells the Retard.
"Hurhurhur! He says, 'Wooo-ha-hoooww!! The joy stick got hard!' PINGUS took a very small step back, trying to stay away from Elmo, but trying hard not to be burned by the flames, but Elmo took two stiff steps towards her."
"Can we just end the story here?"
"No, hush. So Elmo stares her down with his black, beady eyes, his usual annoying smile now turned upside-down into an annoying frown. Then, out of nowhere, he jumped at her like Foxy jumps at the nightguard when he doesn't flash his flashlight at him."
"I'm not letting my children watch Sesame Street after this story." said Ciel.
"Good!"
"Wait, wouldn't it actually make sense that Elmo could substitute for Foxy? DUDE. SOMEONE SHOULD MAKE A GAME CALLED FIVE NIGHTS AT SESAME STREET, THAT WOULD BE AMAZING."
"Omg, you're right! So anyone reading this crackfic, make a Five Nights At Sesame Street, PLEASE!!"
"Who are you talking to?"
"No one, shut up. So anyways, she screams as Elmo pins her down and says, 'Don't be afraid! Elmo loves you!' And he gave her a kiss to one of her nipples with a loud 'Mmmmwaaa!'"
"Does this story involve skip scenes?"
"No."
"So if you were to actually tell this story in public, you know you would have to warn them first?"
"I'd warn them in the middle of the story."
"Sounds like you."
"Yeah, so if you are squeamish or you just don't like these type of stories, I advise that you leave now because this story is about to get extremely graphic. I mean really. Probably just as bad as Dipper Goes To Taco Bell."