Crack Fic Because Lol, Wut?

How to Make FNAF Not Scary

>> Thought I forgot about this book? Y'all crazy. <<

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I'll introduce you guys to some good friends of mine!
Everybody say hello to Foxy the Pirate!!

Foxy: A-a-a-arrrrr me maties! And welcome to Fred-ed-ed-ed-edy Fazbear's Family Dine-ne-ne-ne-ner!

Next, we have Bonnie the Bunny!

Bonnie: Hello everybody! Are you ready to have fun tonight? Because tonight, we're going to be playing--

Ah! No spoilers of what's happening tonight! Next, we have Chica the Chicken!

Chica: Why, hello! Enjoying the pizza here, aren't you? You can't find pizza like ours anywhere else! We have a secret ingredient that no other pizza place would even think of! So make sure you stuff yourselves, because this is very special pizza!

...... thanks for the info about the pizza. Now! Last, but not least, Freddy Fazbear himself!!

Freddy: Hugh hugh! Why, hello there, everybody! Welcome to Freddy Fazbear's pizzeria, a place for kids and family alike, hugh hugh!

Now that everyone is introduced, you may now explain the game, Bonnie.

Bonnie: Tonight, we're going to be playing Hide-and-Seek! But, it's not the kind that you're used to! It's you who's doing the hiding and us that'll be doing the seeking! But if we find you, there's still a chance to survive! All you have to do is close the doors on us and we'll walk back to the stage. Easy enough? Let the games commence!!!!

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Gracious comfortably sat back in the rolling chair in her office, her feet kicked up on the desk. The kids today had been making a large mess playing hide-and-seek with the animatronics today. Maybe that explained why there was a cupcake in the corner of her desk and pizza splattered on the walls.
Oh, well!
She was on her night shift to keep watch of the animatronics until 6 am. Why watch them? Who would want to sneak into the family diner and steal them?
Whatever.
She clicked through the different security cameras to make sure everything was still in place. Nothing happened so far.
BRRODODODODODODO!
To her right was a ringing telephone, but who would call her at this place at this time of day?
The clock in front of her showed that it was only 12:57. Hmm..
She hesitantly picked up the phone and said into it, "Hello..?"
"Hello? Hello, hello? Uuhh.." came the crackled answer. "I wanted to record a message for you.. to help you get settled on your first night."
"What?! I'm not a baby, I don't need any help! Aaannnddd goodbye!" she immediately hung up the phone. Air was forced through her lips, making a farting sound to show boredom. "There's absolutely nothing to do around this place.." Another glance at the clock. 1:01 am. Great, 5 hours left to deal with this bull. She clicked through the cameras again to see if anything has changed. The curtains to the Pirate Cove were still closed, the tables were still in place, Freddy and Chica were still on stage, the bathrooms were still empty, and....
Wait a minute.
She clicked the camera back to the stage. Freddy and Chica.. Where the Hell was Bonnie??
"So people DO steal animatronics!!" she exclaimed and hopped up from her comfy rolling chair. Peeking out past both of the open doors, she didn't see anything. Both good and bad. Again, she began clicking through the cameras. Storage room, stage, bathrooms, main room....
There he is!! He was just chilling right..... behind.... her door..
With a pale face, her head slowly turned to her left just to look into the eyes of the purple bunny who slumped in the doorway.
"......Expand Dong?"
With no hesitation at all, she jumped for the button and shut the door.. almost.
A super loud screech nearly busted her eardrums, for she had accidently closed the door on Bonnie's foot. The door automatically reopened from the failure to close all the way and Bonnie was able to retrieve his foot, holding it up and he hopped all the way back to the stage.
"YOU'RE STILL AN FAGIT!!" he called back.
Gracious gave a sigh of relief and closed the door again before turning to the other door. Hmm.. She smashed the button and the door closed as well. What the Hell was that anyways? Were the animatronics failed to be turned off? It scared the living crap out of her!
Looking at her camera, she saw that her power was only 40%. Already?? But... another glance at the clock.. It was only 2:50 am!
It looks like another game of Hide-and-Seek was at play.
She reopened the doors and once again clicked through the cameras. Back on the stage, Bonnie massaged his foot while Freddy facepalmed. No sign of Chica..
Another click through the cameras and in no time did she find Chica behind the other door..... doing the chicken dance.. Flapping her arms, making chicken beaks with her hands, and clapping four times on repeat.
It doesn't look like she'll be moving anytime soon, she's way too busy dancing.
A light bulb flickered on above her head, and she peeled a slice of pizza from her office walls. She smashed the door button and it opened up to show a retarded chicken dancing in the doorway.
"You want it, Chica? Eh??" Gracious waved the slice in front of her face. Those purple eyes followed it and Chica became excited. "Then go fetch!!" The slice was thrown down the corridor and it splattered in Freddy Fazbear's face, who was on his way. No, Chica did not care that it hit Freddy. She charged at him and tackled him, screaming, "PIIIIIZZZZZZZZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"
That's three animatronics down. The clock read 4:59 am. She's almost there.
A little girl laughed behind her..
Then there were the sounds of footsteps.. like someone was running.. Oh no..
Before she could even move towards the door to close it, Foxy had poked himself through the doorway, screaming at her.
"SWIPER NO SWIPING!!" Gracious automatically screamed back. "SWIPER NO SWIPING!!"
Foxy hung there from the doorway with the most dumbfounded look on his face.
"SWIPER NO SWIPING!!!!"
"....... Aw, ma-ma-ma-ma-man.." Foxy disappeared from the doorway, head hung as he dragged himself back to Pirate's Cove.
The young violet stood there in shock. What the Hell just happened?? She could have sworn the other door was closed..
Before she finished that thought, the power shut down. Everything was dark.
There were two flashing lights in the left doorway that lit up Freddy's pizza-stained smile. Toreador from Carmen began to play in music-box style. Beautifully haunting..
Then the two lights went out and it was pitch black. Her ears caught the faint sound of footsteps that came closer and closer..
Ding dong, ding doooong, ding dong ding dooooong! Ding dong ding dooonnngg. Doooonnngg. Doooonngg.
The sound of kids cheering told her it was 6 am and the lights came back on, showing Freddy's face that was only iches from her own, his arms up like he was going to grab her. She allowed a soft breath to breeze across his face, and he fell apart at her feet.
"..... I'm totally gonna get fired for that.."

THE END!!

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>> How many FNAF 1 animation references can you find in here?~ <<