Finding a Way to You (Book One of The Finding Series, going through revision)

Chapter 23

Chapter 23

Becca

Shock. That is the only word I can use to describe the utter jaw dropping bomb Jamie dropped on me at the hospital. I knew something was fishy when I saw that file at home, but I can’t wrap my mind around my father killing someone.   Rachel picked me up, and I made her drop me off at my dad’s work—that’s the only place I could think he could be.

 “Okay, what exactly happened at the hospital? You look like you have seen a ghost. You okay?”

So I didn’t exactly tell Rachel why I needed her to pick me up, yet.  I planned on telling her as soon as I got in the car.

But I couldn’t. My mind was still racing from everything that had happened in the past twenty minutes.

“Jamie didn’t do anything did he?” I shook my head. How was I going to tell my cousin that my father is a killer?

“Becca! Can you just spill what happened?” I took a deep breath and let everything out. 

Her reaction to the part about Jamie’s brother bothered me, the way her hands gripped the steering wheel—turning white, and the way she clenched her jaw, told me she knew something.

“Rache. What are you not telling me?” Rachel snapped her head to me and just glared. “Look Becca. I don’t want you mad at me, so it would just be better if you talked to your dad. Okay?”

“I guess so…” She dropped it at that and kept on to my dad’s work.

The night sky was clear, except for the occasional star.

“So Becca. What else happened at the hospital that has your hair looking a mess?” She gave me a knowing glance.

I chuckled to myself and reminisced the way I felt in Jamie’s arms. The way he kissed me. And all that had to be interrupted when he told me that my dad killed his brother. 

“Well before all the drama happened, you know him telling me about Mattie, I went to his room like I do every day. But this time it was different, felt different.  His dad and a bunch of nurses were in there, talking about when or if they would wake up. We talked for a few minutes, and then he left to go back to his rounds.” I swallowed the tears that threatened to make an appearance. I didn’t want to think about Jamie not waking up, even if he was okay. I couldn’t think about losing him again.  

“I knelt by Jamie and I just cried. Begging him to wake up. Apologizing. And then the next thing I know he is awake, looking back at me.” I could feel a smile make its way across my mouth, and I realized Rachel was smiling too. “In that moment I sort of thought that everything was okay. But then it hit me that nothing was okay, and that Daniel could find me in a matter of minutes.  But for like ten minutes Jamie reminded me that God takes care of everything. But too soon it hit me that no, I’m in this hell cause of God in the first place.” Rachel took one hand off the wheel and placed it on my lap, and gave a quick squeeze.

“Rachel, if God truly loved me. If he truly cared then where was He the day my mom started beating me? Where was He the day Daniel found me again?”

Rachel wiped a tear away and kept her gaze on the road as she talked.

“Becca, you have been through a lot in the past two months. Heck, you’ve been through a lot through your whole life, but if you tell me again that God doesn’t care I’ll pull this car over now and make you get out. Do you not remember what happened almost two months ago? Do you not remember what God did for you? Cause I sure do! You told me you felt free. What happened to that Becca. The Becca who was free. Who wasn’t broken anymore. What happened to her?” I just sat there. Appalled by Rachel’s rant.

“She was dropped back into reality Rachel! That night was just a onetime thing for me! It wasn’t reality. No it wasn’t. If you asked me if I wanted to feel that again, I would say yes in a heartbeat. But if God was really here for me, He wouldn’t want someone damaged and fragile like me. I have too many problems.”

Rachel sighed. She knew what I meant. “Becc's. Look. What I have learned in the past is that God loves us no matter what. No matter our past, our problems, or what we think of ourselves. I think that is what I love most about God. That is able to see past our faults and helps us overcome them. He sees us for who we are. And helps us overcome our flesh. He helps find Him. And helps us to Forgive too.”

I took all of that in, and let it just sit there. I knew she was right. What I felt was real. I was just too mad at God to admit it. Yeah that’s right I was mad at God. I was furious. I was angry. Who wouldn’t be angry if you went through what I did.

By the time we arrived at my father’s Lawyer office, neither of us had spoken anything else to each other. Rachel bid me farewell and good luck as I walked inside.

Just like I thought, my dad was hunched over his desk. His brow creased and worry lines etched on his face. A fresh glass of Scotch was set on a coaster at the corner of his desk. His grey hair was receding and the office was a mess.

“Hi dad.” My voice startled him, and he raised his head up to look at me.

The glasses that sat on his nose were removed so he could get a better look at me.

“Becca dear.  I thought you were at your Aunt Kay’s. What are you doing here so late anyway?”

I braced myself, and tried to be angry with him for killing Mattie. I just wanted answers.

“Dad, you remember my boyfriend Jamie right?” He nods his head, and cocks it to the side, wondering where I am going with this.

“Yes dear I do.. Where are you headed with this?”

“Well did you know he had a brother? His brother was killed. By your car! I saw the file on the computer daddy.. You killed Jamie’s brother!! How could you?!”  By now I was in all out sobs, thrashing around when my father pulled me in his arms.

“Becca.. There is something I need to tell you.” I stepped back, and saw the worry and guilt that flashed across his face.

“Yeah dad. What is it?”

He gestured me over to a chair by his desk, and ordered me to sit. “Do you remember when you were little and I was gone all the time? And how your sisters teased you because you didn’t look exactly like them, or your mother?”

I nodded. Of course I remember being teased by my sisters. It wasn’t easy being the youngest and your mother not wanting you either. “Yeah dad, I remember. What about it?”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, and sighed. “Becca this isn’t easy to say. Honey you’re adopted.”

Last thing I remember was hitting the floor.