Finding a Way to You (Book One of The Finding Series, going through revision)

Chapter 1

  

Chapter One

Becca

Pain is all I feel as my mother chews me out once again. What did I do this time?

"You are worthless Becca! I should have aborted you when I found out I was pregnant with you! You are nothing but a mistake!" My mother yells at me while she hits me again, pain immediately covering my body; her breath reeking of alcohol. That is when she gets like this, only when she is drunk.

Tears well up as the pain spreads and I try to defend myself but resistance is futile. Why was this happening to me? I've never done anything too bad for my mom to treat me like this. I mean it’s always been bad but not like this. “Mom..... Why do you treat me this way? What have I done today?" I stutter as I cup my cheek.

"How dumb do you think I am Becca? I know your secret... I know everything... I read the poems. I know everything. You may be seventeen but you’re dumb as a post. You can't keep anything from me." She hisses.

I take in a deep breath. How did she find them? I have them hidden well. It didn't use to be this way. It started about six years ago, right after I turned eleven.

My parents never used to fight or argue they used to love each other, but that was then. My older sister Amanda— the favored one—, used to tell me how happy they were when I was little. But as I grew up the more they drifted apart. My thoughts are shattered as my mom knocks me to the floor yelling once again.

"Clean your pig sty of a room up, unless you want me to do it?" I hold back the sobs threatening to break through my lashes. Why I cry anymore still amazes me.

"I'll do it mom." I say as I shakily stand, holding on to my marble vanity for balance.

"Good. I hope you remember this conversation" She hisses to me, her lips curling up, and her face seething with anger.

"Yes, ma'am." I say as she walks out of the room. I walk over to my desk in my room painted with colors of deep dark purple. I grab my journal from the hidden compartment in my drawer. How did she even find this? I keep it under lock and key. I open the first page and begin to sob as I read my first poem, the first day the abuse started when I was eleven.

“I'm crying inside, this pain is eating me alive.

I want love I need love to rescue me from this world.

I don't know why I'm treated this way or my they yell.

If only I could find someone to take me out of this hole I'm in.

Lord if you hear me, which I doubt you do. But please take this away.”

I flip over to a blank page and begin writing.

Dear my family,

I am sorry but I have to end my life. The pain from everything that has happened to me is unbearable. I have no more reason to live. I am sorry for being a disappointment to you all, but I am no longer worthy to live.

Becca.

I've been thinking about this and I'm tired of being this way and the only way is to leave this crazy earth. I'm sick and tired of my mom screaming at me and my dad being oblivious to it. I want to die. The cutting didn't take the pain away, so maybe eminent death will. All these thoughts run through my mind. Some telling me to just get it over with, and others telling me this isn’t the right idea.