Within My Mind I Suffer

∂αy ƒινє

I woke up to the sound of someone calling my name and gently shaking me by my shoulders. My eyes fluttered a few times as I tried to focus on who it was. 

"Hey, get up. It's time for your therapy session." Alex said. 

"I'm not going." I mumbled as I turned over, covering my head with the sheets.

I heard footsteps go towards the end of my bed and then I felt the sheets slide off of me. I shivered from the sudden cold. I still refused to get up. 

Alex made a sound of frustration as he went and turned on the lights. 

I am not a morning person, nor will I ever be, so when he turned on the lights, I bolted up, my face twisted in anger. "I'M.NOT.GOING." I yelled, emphasizing each word. "And you can't make me, so get out." I demanded, pointing towards the door. 

Alex raised his eyebrows at my sudden outburst. "You want to run that by me again?" He said in a low, threatening voice. 

"Get. Out." I demanded again. "I don't need therapy. I'm fine just the way I am. So what? Just because I don't trust people doesn't mean I'm crazy. It's a life lesson. All people care about is themselves. And they don't care who they hurt in the process as long as they get what they want. No one can be trusted."

Alex's eyes flashed with anger as he got even more mad and stomped up to me, grabbing my hand and twisting it around to show my cuts. He pointed to them and said, "This is why you're going."

I yanked my hand from his grip and buried it under the covers. "This is my form of relief. Just like how some people listen to music, or others take up boxing or karate, this is how I deal with things. And there's nothing wrong with it. It's my body, and I can do whatever the hell I want with it."

"Nothing wrong with it?" He said, hysterically laughing, running a hand through his hair as he turned around and then turned to face me. He got even closer and looked hard at me. "Everything is wrong with what you are doing! It is not okay whatsoever!" He yelled. "You need to learn that not all people are bad. You have to forget the past and move on because if you stay like this, you'll be letting them win."

"Like this?" I asked in shock. "Like I said before, there is nothing wrong with me. Aside from being a screw up, which you oh so kindly stated."

Alex threw up his hands in frustration. "That's not the point! You aren't a screw up, I just told you that you needed to trust someone! Like yesterday, I told you that you could trust me and talk to me." He said, his voice softening towards the end.

I laughed at this. "Trust you?! How could I trust you if you can't even accept me the way I am?!" As the words flew from my mouth, I knew that with the small wince of pain that followed, that I already had let him in too much. I swore to myself that I would block all emotion towards him, and I felt the invisible walls around me grow higher. The familiar numbness took over, and I felt that even he couldn't break my walls down.  No one can be trusted, I reminded myself. Especially someone like him. 

Alex must have realized that when my face turned from anger to showing no emotion, that I was determined to fully block everyone around me, because he clenched his jaw and balled up his hands into fists. "You're going." He stated through clenched teeth as he grabbed me by my upper arm and yanked my out of bed, pulling me towards the door. I didn't fight him because I knew it was useless. 

I let out a small cry of pain as he had an iron grip hold on my arm. He loosened his hand up a little and continued to drag me around like a rag doll. We eventually reached two huge, brown double doors. A gold plaque was engraved with the name Dr. Silvius. Alex threw open the door and pushed me inside.