Within My Mind I Suffer

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I finally managed to shift my eyes from the ceiling to the clock by my bed. It was 9 o'clock and from the time the sun came up, to now, I haven't moved one inch, nor could I fall asleep. I just laid there, clutching the sheets until my hands began to hurt. I didn't want to sleep, I was afraid that I would have dreams of the fire and all the times I was bullied. 

I heard a light knock on the door and Alex's voice asking if he could come in. 

"Hold on." I said weakly, I hid under the covers so he couldn't see the dark circles under my eyes. "Come in."

"Hey... it's time for your therapy session." He said hesitantly. 

I moaned in reponse. "Do I have a choice?" I remarked sarcastically, knowing the answer was no. 

Alex responded cautiously. "I... I know you don't want to go, especially after what happened yesterday, but it'll help you get better." I heard him mumble "I hope so" to himself. 

I sighed and got up, swinging my feet over the side of the bed, making sure to keep my head down. I despised it when people saw me at my weakest points. It only gave them an advantage later on when they wanted something. 

I strided past Alex and stayed in front of him the whole time as we headed towards the double doors. When he would catch up with me, I quickened my pace. He finally understood that I wanted to be left alone and slowed his pace to walk behind me. 

I walked in and Alex was about to walk in as well, but the doctor told him that he needed to stay outside. That it was a therapy session and all information was to remain confidential. Alex narrowed his eyes,  but left, knowing that he was right.

As I was about to sit down, I noticed the drops of blood that stained the chair from yesterday. I tried to sit as far away from them as possible. 

The doctor greeted me the same way as he did yesterday and I just nodded again, keeping my head lowered. 

"Why are you staring at the ground?" He asked.

"Just admiring the wonderful patterns on the floor." I lied.

"Right." He said sarcastically. "Look up at me, or I won't let you go to the garden anymore."

I reluctantly looked up at him.

"That's better." He exclaimed. "Though you look tired."

"Rough night." I answered bitterly. 

"Hm." He said as he looked at me and tapped his pen against his clipboard. "Well, care to talk about it?"

"No." I said curtly. 

He sighed and looked down at his papers. "Fine then, let's talk about the next thing on the list."

He had a list? That's great. 

"Your mom told me that you were raped when you were little?" He asked curiously.

My eyes widened in shock and my mouth gaped open. My... my mom told him? But she promised it would be our little secret. I felt betrayal course through me and I felt my eyes get glossy. Compose yourself fawn. Come on, you can't let them know about this too. I relaxed my facial muscles and regained my well practiced, emotionless face.

"I really don't know what you're talking about." I answered in a monotone voice, looking him in the eyes. I gripped the sides of my chair and focused on the floor again.

"Lying again, are we?" The doctor stated, a little bit of annoyance slipping into his voice. He leaned over in his chair and looked intently at me. "Sooner or later, I will break through your walls. And once I do, you'll feel a lot better. Even though you don't believe in trust, you will learn to trust again." He got up and said, "Our session has ended. You can go back to your room now. Oh, and on your way out, tell Alex to come in."