Killing Loneliness (A Ville Valo Fanfiction)

Chapter 10: ''Love, The Hardest Way.''

''Well...'' Ville sighed. I looked at my brother and then I looked at her. ''We aren't.'' He finally said.

''Oh, I see...'' She mumbled embarrassed. ''I thought you were, I'm sorry.''

''Why don't we cook dinner, Nastya? We're going to celebrate we're going to be parents and that you two are finally here.'' Eicca said after a few minutes in silence.

It did hurt me, and a lot, but that's what we wanted. ''Yeah, let's go.'' I sighed getting up as I could. Everything, my body, my soul were aching.

''Hey, what's wrong?'' Eicca asked me when we were about to cook dinner. I shook my head twice. ''Don't lie to me, come on.''

''I'm okay.'' I whispered.

''Yeah, and I'm not your brother.'' He rolled his eyes and I chuckled. ''It's about Valo, isn't it?''

''It hurts.'' I sighed. ''Because... Because maybe I thought we would be together, but I now see we won't.''

''Why do you think that.'' He sighed too. I shrugged.

''I've always had feelings for Ville, even when I was into that relationship, I couldn't stop thinking about him.'' I said. ''But what should I do? What should I think?''

''Can you keep calm just for a while?'' He asked. ''Just give it time.''

''You know, I don't want to be right now dating someone.'' I said.

''Then, what do you want, little girl?'' Eicca chuckled.

''I want to be with Ville but I don't feel ready to start a relationship. I need him to be by my side and take things easy.''

''So,'' He said. ''what you're saying is that you want to date him but you don't want to go fast.''

''Exactly.'' I chuckled. ''Do you know anything else? Have you talked with him about it?''

''Well... I have, but I won't tell you anything about it.'' He said seriously.

''Just give me a clue.'' I begged.

''Nastya...''

''Eicca, please.''

''You shouldn't think you don't have any chances with Valo.'' He replied.

''I do.'' I shrugged. ''I'm going to tell him to be just friends because...''

''Don't do that.'' He said looking at me. ''Don't fucking do that if you feel anything for him.''

''What? Why?'' I kept asking. Eicca rolled his eyes.

''Oh my God, Nastya, use your brain.'' He sighed.

''Wait, are you saying he likes me?'' I asked again. I felt idiot, to be honest.

''Nastya, stop.'' He replied.

-

I talked with Eicca about a lot of things while we were cooking dinner. He told me about how he met Alexandra, and after he explained that, I did understand why he left.

Eicca was into the problem we had in Helsinki, it was more like a war and he had to leave if he wanted us alive. They did catch him but then, a couple friends helped him. They carried him to the hospital and that's how they met. Alexandra was hurt too.

Eicca and I were never too lucky with relationships. We always messed up. So that's why surprised me a lot he was with her. I knew Alexandra was the love of his life, just because of the way he talked about her, how his eyes were shining as he heard her laughter. And they were expecting a child, a life project together without any risk.

After the dinner, Ville and I went to bed earlier because of the journey. I sighed as I removed the makeup of my face carefully. I didn't look that bad without it, but it was still necessary. I yawned lying down in the bed until I realised we had just one bed and we were two people. I didn't mind sleeping with Ville, but what I didn't know, was what he thought about it.

''I can sleep in the couch.'' His deep voice filled my ears. I opened my eyes to look at him.

''Ville, come on.'' I chuckled.

''I'm being serious, Nastya.'' He replied chuckling, changing his clothes. I blushed.

''And so am I.'' I whispered. ''I don't want to sleep alone, and I don't want you to sleep in the couch.''

''Why's that?'' Ville asked, sitting next to me. I sighed as he caressed my cheek with his fingers.

''I'm still afraid.'' I replied. ''My body's aching and...''

''And...?'' He asked again.

''And I just want to sleep with you.'' I whispered and then yawned. ''Please.''

''Alright... I'll sleep with you.'' He whispered and lay down beside me.

''How's your hand?'' I asked him as I took his hand. I sighed feeling guilty about it. If I hadn't tell about Kimi, he wouldn't had his hand like that. He would have been safe.

''Pretty well, to be honest.'' He chuckled. ''It hurts, but... I don't mind at all.''

''Thank you.'' I whispered, caressing his cheek and then fixing his hair a bit. ''Thank you for taking me here and... For saving me.''

''I did what I should and what I had to.'' He said.

''Yeah...'' I yawned. I wasn't in the mood to argue or reply to that. Or at least to tell him he shouldn't have done that. But as Jonne told me, I could be dead if it wasn't for Ville. I didn't understand why he cared about me after all this time.

''You're falling asleep.'' He chuckled.

''I'm not.'' I pouted as a child, but my eyes were barely open.

''Ruska, come on, you can even think.'' He said.

''I'm okay.'' I replied.

''Right, so now you better fall asleep or I won't tell you what are we going to do tomorrow.''

''Night, Valo.'' I mumbled resting my head over his chest. I heard him laugh. I grinned a little.

But didn't want to fall asleep. The reason why I told Ville to sleep with me, apart of the thing I wanted to sleep with him, was because I was afraid. I had nightmares again and they were so real.

Since Kimi started to do those kind of things to me, the nightmares came to me every night. I knew Ville wasn't like Kimi, but the fearness was there.

I didn't want to tell him about it. I felt it as a weakness and I didn't want people or, better said, Ville to look at me with sorrow. I did hate it so much.

All the time I spent away from Ville, I did blame myself. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to tell him how much I felt for him, how much I'd missed all the good and bad times we'd spent together. But, how was him to remember me? It was crazy.

Jonne was tired to hear me talking about Ville. Everything I did, it was reminding me about him, about the first time we kissed until the last kiss we shared.

Hurtful.