Human Canvas :: a.i [slow updates]

Chapter 15

Did not proofread it (again ;///) bc I'm lazy as fuck so expect loads of typos and things that don't make sense but I'll edit this ish tomorrow or something bye love you

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They say that love brings you happiness, it brings you safety and a home.

They say that love makes your heart flustered and your stomach turn with excitement and happiness and peace.

The say that love heals all wounds, well, I say that love is the dagger that causes those wounds.

I say that love is an excuse, a nasty one, for us to use others for our own purpose and want.

I've never been in love, neither do I want to be.

It sounds hurtful and disgusting and it won't come the day that someone will get their gross claws on my chest to rip it apart and devour my heart.

Love, they say, makes you fly. But only to make you crash.

I used to believe in love, yes, when I was younger. Then I grew up and found out that I couldn't even feel it.

I'm heartless and boneless and I'm just a disgustingly ugly being walking the earth.

A being no one loves nor cares about.

It's scary, that I was so close to love on that night. I felt things that resemble love and I'm grossed out by them. Because it was the very first time that I felt them, and well, that's pretty terrifying.

Needless is to say that I don't remember half of the things that happened on Saturday night.

All that happened after I got drunk is now only an illusion, something that I can't even quite figure out what is concretely.

However, no matter how weird it sounds, I can recall every second that I spent with Ashton.

I remember every kiss, every touch (even the more obscene ones), and every drunk or sober word exchanged between us.

My night was him.

I remember the way he made me feel so well.

I remember my heart racing every time I felt a part of him on me, and how it stopped every time he moved away.

And I remember how it scared me to death.

I also remember coming home, Ashton taking me inside with his coat on me and his arm around my waist. I remember kissing him like he was the air I needed in my lungs.

I got inside and cried all night. Probably because I was drunker than I've ever been, but mostly because I was angry.

Angry at myself and at my feelings.

I had promised myself, I had promised.

I promised to not need anything, not need my parents or friends or alcohol or drugs.

And I saw myself slowly needing him. I missed him to death when he left and I've known him for weeks.

It's not healthy and it's not what I want.

I used to be reckless and angry and full of self hatred.

I've come a long way since I basically was an alcoholic.

I'd spend my days and nights drinking away everything I wanted so desperately to forget.

And it sounds stupid, but I know that if I get attached to someone now, I'll put them first and go back to the endless cycle of hating myself and trying to please them so I feel like I'm worth something.