Perserverance (Discontinued)

Everything has its place

Although it doesn't seem like it to the outside world, Alice was a woman of order. She had her ways, and everything had to happen in such. Even her spontaneous actions had previous planning. Tonight was one of those nights where one of  her plans was called into action.

She finished half of  her massive pile of English Homework and looked over at the clock. It was almost midnight. She started to cry. She still needed to Copy and study her facts for the history bowl, on top of studying to keep up on her usual classes. She fell to the floor in fetal position. It wasn't terribly much, but she was sensitive, and it was overwhelming. She turned her phone to silent and stared at the ceiling. Soon she had to mute her music too, because Broken Home was not helping. For some reason it all sprang on her at once. She contemplated everything she would have to do in her life. Her bipolar depression was talking it's toll. She became a lifeless lump on the floor. Everything was rushing over her...Her thoughts were flying. She was almost in high school. Soon she would be tossed into the real world like a sac of garbage. She was garbage. Everyone hated her. She hesitated, but  typed in to Google... "successful suffocation methods" she found page after page opening with: You should never do this but if you're going to -

She decided, in the dead of the night, that all she wanted to do was talk to Lucas. She used to do that to Jeremy. Years ago, when Lucas was originally her main concern, and he crushed her heart into a thousand empty pieces,  she called Jeremy. He sat up with her all night talking her through it. The funny thing was, her feelings moved so quickly. She found herself, hours after crying endlessly  over Lucas' pride, asking Jeremy if he would be her boyfriend. Of course, he said no, but she expected as much. She sniffled, but in the end, gave up ever caring about anyone ever again and went to sleep. You see how long that lasted. She opened Skype. It rung for five minutes, and went dead. If only Lucas cared as much as Jeremy did. It rung again. Why was no one there for her when she needed them? She called once more, and gave up. She rolled over in despair, staring at the ceiling, thinking about everything and feeling nothing. She didn't want to live life, anymore. She didn't want to turn in any more assignments, or make any more phone calls. She was tired of the screaming silence. She was tired, she wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep and not wake up. She didn't want to go to school tomorrow. She didn't want to go to school ever, nor did she want to be homeschooled. She didn't want to exist. She opened her phone one last time.
She messaged Sam.

Alice:
This isn't going to make any sense right now, but if I'm absent tomorrow, tell Addison,  "Alice told me to tell you, 'the letters.'" Part of a secret mission I guess. Don't ask now, okay ? Don't mention it to her, she understands, though. Don't mention it to anyone else. Don't ask her about it If I'm not absent. If I'm not, pretend I never said this. I might  mention this later on. It's a huge favor agent, and I'm trusting you. Your part is very important. If I'm just absent without telling you this DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES tell her "the letters" trust me, i wont forget!! I wont forget to tell you, so ONLY tell her when i tell you. You can't ask about it but i promise When the Time comes that you  say that codeword to Addison, you will know. She'll put the mission underway. So this is test number one. If I'm absent, tell her. If not, forget about it, okay? Thanks so much agent. This is actually a big job.

Sam: Okay, I trust you.
I hope you guys aren't going to kill me.

Alice: Its not bad or crazy

No no don't worry

Sam: Okay I'm kind of excited now.

Alice: oh boy.

She clicked off her phone for the last time, and set it on the desk. Sam didn't have to worry, she wasn't the one she was going to kill. Sam was so naive, and that was a good thing. That was just what she needed. The letters were suicide notes, given to Addison Much earlier. She couldn't bare to tell her herself, so she needed a third party to tell her after the deed was done. Multiple attempts had transpired over the years, but this was one was most thought out. She walked over to her dresser and removed her Mother and Father's notes. She slipped them under her pillow,  and sat down for a moment. Clinging to every second as if it were her last, because she knew it was. She wasn't afraid. She opened her sleeping pills and took her normal dose. She had them for her insomnia. She wasn't going to overdose, she just wanted to make sure she slept well, and didn't disturb her genius plan. She waited silently on her bed  for the affect to kick in, and wrapped her comforter tightly around her head, tucking in the loose end. She buried herself under her personal mountain of pillows, and took a slow breath. The oxygen was limited, but she couldn't turn off her bodily instinct. She took deep breaths, and as the oxygen in the space decreased, her breath rate increased. She felt herself getting drowsy. Her lungs were getting heavy. She felt hot. On fire. Her body was pumping, her pulse was increasing. It was like the first time, when she did this years ago. It was intense. She did not cry. She was calm. This is  what she wanted. She was extremely drowsy, yet she could feel panic setting in, but she resisted. This is what she wanted. She could feel her empty breathe ricocheting back at her. She grew immensely light headed, almost like she could feel herself losing brain cells. She felt like she was floating, like everything was  going to be alright. Everything came back in a jolt. She sat there for a second, and slowly removed the blanket from her head. She couldn't do it. She still didn't cry. There was no need to cry. She repositioned herself in normal sleeping posture, and tried her hardest to fall asleep, eventually,  she did.