Since the death of my father Ridge and I have grown impossibly distant. I see the way he looks at me when we’re in the same room. It’s that ‘how are you doing it’ or ‘how can you laugh and smile’ look. It kills me when he looks at me like that because no one but I know how fake the act I’m putting out is. I laugh and smile like it’s okay or nothing happened. Not even Rory knows how really broken apart I am inside. No one can hear the sobs and repeated questions I ask myself when I’m alone in my room at night. I pretend it’s all okay and dandy and that I’m dealing.
I have slept a total of two weeks since my dad died a month or so. Thank God for makeup. My grades have been slipping because I just no longer care about them or Novelta. All I wish for was that I had remained on Earth and died along with all my friends and family.
Fane, Tristen, and Rory have been really trying and being nice but it just makes me feel worse. They treat me like glass and I just can’t stand it. I don’t have the heart to tell any of them though. I couldn’t and don’t want to burden any of them with my sob story about the poor girl whose dad died. Everyone looks at me like that and it makes me want to slap every one of them.
I decided that since Ridge wouldn’t come talk to me I’d just go talk to him. I found him in his room staring at the ceiling in his bed.
“Ridge-” I started to say.
“How do you do it Allie?” he asked me.
“Do what?” I asked, though I knew what he was talking about.
“Laugh, smile, and act like everything’s okay?”
“I don’t, Ridge this has been the hardest time of my life and my twin, MY OWN BROTHER, who is supposed to be there for me and I he won’t even look at me.”
He still wouldn’t even glance at me, which made me furious.
“DAMMIT RIDGE LOOK AT ME!” I yelled and that got his attention partially because I yelled and because I swore at him, which I didn’t do that much unless I was absolutely pissed and at my breaking point.
“That’s what I’m talking about! You don’t even give me a passing glance anymore and if you do I can see you silently asking me how I’m doing it. Well guess what I’M NOT DOING IT! I’m slowly breaking apart and the only person capable of seeing it can’t and won’t. So I’m done Ridge Waters. I’m done pretending. I’m done with the sympathetic glances from my boyfriend, best friend, mother, you, and everyone else. Everyone tells me ‘Oh honey I’m so sorry’ or ‘It will get better’ and I just want to scream.”
I could feel the tears silently streaming down my face but ignored them.
“I can’t even call you my brother anymore. You won’t let me help you or vice versa. So I’m done with you and every one and thing else. If you can even bother to look at or talk to anyone you can tell them what I’ve told you and leave me alone,” I finished.
I turned, and walked out towards my room. While making my way there I could hear Ridge calling my name ‘Allie’ and ‘Allie wait, please’ but I ignored it and locked myself in my room.
A few days had passed and the only time I left my room was when everyone was gone so I didn’t have to face them. I felt really gross but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything productive other than eat, barely sleep, look at old pictures, cry, and sometimes bang mindlessly away at my keyboard.
