Constant and Changing (kryber)

Chapter 23: ME+U

The concerns that Krystal had over her clandestine relationship with Amber remained on her mind for weeks after her dinner with Jessica ended. Krystal tried her best to not let her fears cloud her feelings for Amber, but by mid December Krystal noticed a subtle change in their relationship. It was not that Krystal loved Amber any less now, or that she treated Amber any differently than before. But every action performed by Krystal was now performed with a shadow of somberness behind it. Every smile she gave to Amber was delivered with a tinge of anxiety. Every kiss tasted sweet with a hint of sadness.

Amber too had developed a subtle change in her demeanor. Whereas Krystal now dealt with a cloud of sadness over her head, every encounter with Krystal now left Amber feeling guilty.

It wasn't difficult for Amber to see that Krystal's anxiety and mental anguish stemmed from their relationship. As much as Krystal wanted to be in this relationship, Amber could also tell that Krystal wanted to run away as well. There was nothing Amber wanted more than to make Krystal happy again, to make her life easier. But if that meant that Amber had to break up with Krystal, Amber couldn't bring herself to do it.

Their bond as lovers thrived on their deep relationship as friends. As much as this was an advantage, their friendship was like a double edged sword. As long as they were together, their friendship was a boon. But if they were ever to break up, they would lose that important friendship as well. Amber was at a loss about what to do to make Krystal happier and Krystal was at a loss about how to move past her inability to accept herself and their relationship.

"Do I make you sad?" Amber suddenly asked Krystal one day. They were seated on the floor of Amber's living room playing with Jackjack and Gongju. But whereas rowdy Jackjack was happily playing tug-of-war with Amber over a chew toy, empathetic Gongju was somberly lying in Krystal's lap while Krystal quietly pet him. 

Upon hearing Amber's question, Krystal immediately lifted her head and gave Amber a look of surprise. Krystal knew that she was less than cheerful lately, but it never occurred to her that Amber would blame herself or think that she was the cause of Krystal's sadness. "No, definitely not," Krystal replied sincerely, scooting closer to where Amber was sitting. She placed Gongju next to Jackjack and hugged the older girl tightly around the neck. "You are the only reason lately that I'm even able to smile. I didn't mean to make you think otherwise."

"But you've been so sad lately," Amber murmured, let go of Jackjack's toy and hugging Krystal tightly as well.

With a heavy sigh, Krystal's agreed with Amber's observation. "Yeah, I know. I just can't help it. Some days, I don't know what I want to do anymore." The younger girl pulled back from the hug and faced Amber with a pained expression. "If you asked me right now if I loved you and if I wanted to be with you, I'd say "yes" in heartbeat. But when I start thinking too deeply about the future and how I'll tell my family about us and stuff, ...I feel like I start to go crazy."

Amber nodded sadly with complete understanding. She took Krystal's hands into her own and gently stroked Krystal's fingers.

"How do you do it, Am? How do you not think about our future and not stress out about us all the time? How do you be OK with it?"

"It's not easy," Amber admitted, "but I've had a lot of time to think about this stuff and come to terms with how I feel about you. And the longer you deal with something, the easier it becomes."

"How long have you been dealing with it?" Krystal looked at her curiously, suddenly remembering that Amber had avoided a similar question soon after their mutual confessions to each other. Even now, Krystal could see the hesitation in Amber's face again, an unwillingness to reveal the answer. "I won't push you to tell me," she said gently, "but I wish you'd tell me. I think it might help me to know."