Constant and Changing (kryber)

Chapter 44: Goodbye Summer

The air in Amber's apartment felt warm on an afternoon in mid August. f(x) had returned from London just a few hours ago and Krystal was looking forward to spending the remainder of the day in her bed sleeping off the jetlag. But life was full of surprises and Krystal was now relaxing on Amber's sofa with her girlfriend's head resting on her lap. The balcony door was open and a light breeze blew into the apartment, cooling the two girls who were sitting closely together. With the soothing ringing of wind chimes in the background while Krystal gently stroked Amber's hair, it would have been a perfectly peaceful afternoon for the two young lovers had Amber not been crying tears of grief over Gongju's recent death.

Krystal knew that Amber's heart broke the instant they heard the news earlier that afternoon. She and Luna had been standing next to Amber at Incheon airport as the older girl called the friend who watched Jackjack and Gongju over the long weekend. Even though Gongju had been very sick for a long time, her passing was still a shock to everyone present. Seeing Amber absorb the news was like watching a glass shatter or seeing a sand castle collapse. Amber's heart was now in a million pieces and, even after it healed, her heart would never be the same.

Listening to Amber's tearful sniffles, Krystal couldn't help but think about the transition between childhood and adulthood. With the loss of a precious friend and companion, Amber had also lost some of her innocence that day. Her childlike perception of the world had been crushed and she could no longer wholeheartedly believe that dreams and wishes came true or that love conquered all. Some things in life, like the passing of a family member, were inevitable.

As Krystal gently ran her fingers through Amber's hair, she felt the burden of adulthood fall onto her shoulders. Most of Krystal's life had been spent being protected and coddled by others. But alone now with Amber, facing something as difficult as death, Krystal found it challenging to play the role of a protector. She quickly realized that she didn't know what to say to shield Amber from the pain of losing Gongju. There were no magic words to improve the situation or to make it go away.

"You're not alone, I'm here for you," Krystal said softly. "We'll get through this together." She firmly believed the words that she spoke, but Krystal couldn't help but feel useless as she said them. There must be something more that she could do besides "be here" for Amber, but she didn't know what that something was.

"What should I do?" Krystal thought to herself. "What else can I say? How do I make her feel better?" The anxious questions ran through Krystal's mind one after another as the long and silent afternoon dragged on. Krystal wanted desperately to relieve the pain in Amber's heart, but she couldn't think of anything to do.

Amber responded to her comforting words with infinite tears, which Krystal wiped away gently with a tissue. Rarely was Krystal allowed to see this fragile side of her girlfriend, and she was glad that Amber hadn't tried to push her away this time. After leaving the airport earlier and climbing into their van, Amber finally let out her tears in front of Krystal and Luna as their manager drove them home. Krystal immediately insisted on spending the night at Amber's apartment and the older girl had accepted, but now Krystal found herself wondering if there was any point in her being here. She had not been able to say anything meaningful to Amber for the last few hours and merely sat with her in unhelpful silence.

As Krystal's guilt over her inability to comfort her girlfriend hit its peak, Amber startled her by sitting up. She fixed her tear-stained eyes upon Krystal's and held the younger girl's gaze for just a moment before thanking her tearfully. "Thanks for being here, Soojung-ah. I feel better just having you here."

The simple thank you surprised Krystal, who hadn't realized that she had done anything worthwhile for the other girl. Was it really possible that her mere presence had brought the older girl comfort? The sincere look of gratitude in Amber's eyes seemed to say yes. Krystal nodded in response, relieved that she was able to do something meaningful for Amber even though she hadn't realized it. Krystal pulled the older girl closer and hugged her tightly, offering her presence and a silent promise that she would stay by Amber's side until her pain subsided.