just write it all out

7

Letter - 01/07/16

Hi there.

How are you?

I'm sitting alone at lunch again.

Sure, you offered to let me squeeze in with your group, but you know how it goes. Oh, it's fine. Don't wanna intrude. You've got your own crowd, your own conversations, that I can't be a part of, no matter how hard I try. But I won't tell you that.

I could tell you I've been feeling lonely. But I could also tell you I've got lots of friends and they're all just sitting somewhere else.

I could tell you I really want to get to know you and your friends, because they seem so cool and genuinely nice and they're always laughing when they're with each other, and I need some laughter in my life. But I could also tell you I think your clique is pretty exclusive and not worth the wasted time, anyway.

I could tell you I've slowly but surely fallen in love with you, or at least the idea of you, because your soft eyes and shiny hair and slightly curved lips whispering velvet compliments haunt my dreams and my day dreams and my fantasies and my writings. But I could also tell you that the few times you bullied me in third grade when I was a new student have stuck with me the rest of my life, and sometimes I think I can still feel the bruises on my knees.

I could tell you that I secretly wanted to say yes when you invited me to your little party, little as in a group of maybe ten people, because I could see the opportunity just dangling in front of me like a carrot, like someone with greater authority than me was saying, "Just grab it. Grab and it's yours for eternity." But I could also tell you that I can't deal with small crowds like that when I only know one person there, and that one person happens to be you. You in all your glory, with the power, unbeknownst to you, to control every aspect of my life in such subtle ways. You, who, if you decided to leave me, would ultimately change my life, whether for good or for bad.

I could tell you I need you. But I could also tell you I don't.

I could tell you I've forgiven you. But I could also tell you I haven't.

I could tell you I want to try friendship again. But I could also tell you to get out of my life and never come back.

I could tell you I'd take you back any day, if I can be the one to put a smile on your face. But I could also tell you that how you used me ruined me, and you, and most importantly, us.

I could tell you I love you. But I could also tell you I hate you.

So I did.

And I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it.

I don't hate you. I hate myself, for letting you hold too much of my life in your hands, especially when you didn't even know.

So I'm going to try to leave now, leave your life, because I need you more than you need me. I'll stop bugging you.

Bye.

This was actually one of my backups since I just couldn't write anything today.

I wanna dedicate this to Clemonlime but I'm on mobile so tagging him is enough for now. Thank you for everything, and I love you and I'm here for you.

Attached is just a doodle thing in my bullet journal.

Ily guys <3