just write it all out

25

Aura - 01/25/16

I can't sleep.

It didn't used to be a physical thing - I used to have insomnia. It was all mental, something going on with my brain that decided I needed to stay up until the sun came up, too. Those were nights spent staring at the ceiling or at the insides of my eyelids, waiting and listening to every tiny sound I could pick up. I miss those days. Those days, I could use a sleeping pill, or two, or three, or... hope I didn't overdose, and drift off into oblivion.

Now, of course, it's different.

Now, caffeine and cold showers are my best friends, but even then, I don't need them too often. I meditate to reset my body. I avoid foods that I know make me sleepy. I don't dare drink alcohol or exert myself too much, but I stay active.

I'm awake, all the time. Because if I sleep, I'll shift back.

Back to my hospital bed.

-----

"Aura? Aura! What are you doing on the bus?"

I looked up from my window seat, smiling at my best friend as he sat down next to me. "I ride the bus to work when I don't have gas in my car, dummy."

"That's so weird. I've literally never seen you on the bus before." The bus pulled away from the curb, and he pulled out his sketchbook and flipped to a page somewhere in the middle. "I guess I get a chance to show you this finally."

I took the sketchbook and studied the drawing, the curves and scribbles taking the form of a gorgeous woman with hair flowing around her shoulders and blending into her dress. "Is this...?"

Luke smiled as he gently pulled it from my hands before I could ruin it. "It's you."

"But I don't look like that." I tugged at my thick, short hair, and I could feel sweat already gathering in the flabs of my stomach. "That's definitely not me."

He shook his head, his hair longer than mine but more tangled. "That's how you look in my dreams. I haven't had the chance to tell you about them, but that's what you look like."

I felt my stomach turn at his insensitive words. Didn't he know I didn't like how I looked? "Are you telling me I'm fat? Because I knew that already."

"No, of course not, Aura! You're flawless. I'm telling you, I need time alone with you to talk about my dreams."

Kind of old thing, but whatever.

Drawing/doodle of Mitch in Melanie-esque makeup woo