just write it all out

32

Brain Drama - 02/01/16

Why does your smile make me smile? When I've been having a bad day because of something stupid and you smile and ask if I'm all right, when I'm afraid I'm bothering you by asking you a question and you smile reassuringly, when I voice my doubts about being good enough and you smile and say I'm probably the best. When I'm walking away from lunch and you're walking to it and I'm laughing about something and I catch your eye and you smile, do you smile because I'm smiling, or is it like my case? Were you already smiling and then we caught each other's glances and just happened to be smiling, or did your smile actually grow when we made eye contact?

Why are you good at making me feel better? When all I can do is stress out over my future and you crack a joke to get me laughing, when I tell you I'm nowhere near as good as you and you say I'm a musical genius, when I say I hope I wasn't being annoying and you ask why I'd think I'm annoying. When you tell me I'm your first choice for a leader if none of the actual leaders can make it, why does it feel so good? Would I even believe it coming from someone else's mouth? Do I even believe it coming from yours?

Why do you even try to make me feel better? When I'm being annoying and talking too much, too loudly, because that's how I deal with stress, when I know we both feel like crap but all I know how to do is smile at you, when you were just crying telling us why you don't want to drive us away. When I'm not worth your attention, why do you even bother making me feel better? Is that something you do with everyone else, too, since you're kind of a people person? Are you just good at making people feel better in general?

Why do you think you're not good enough? When you tell me you weren't accepted into your top two choice colleges, when you make a joke about being poor but I can see that grain of truth in your eyes, when you apologize incessantly for getting on our cases. Why do you think you don't deserve anybody's love, especially your own? You've got a heart of gold and you care so much about everything you do and everyone you work with. You wouldn't think so. You don't look at yourself that way.

Why do you shut down when you give up? When everybody is talking over you, when you get a rejection letter, when you hear about yet another expense you'll have to pay but won't be able to afford. When you just can't win, your posture just slumps over, your face looks tired, your eyes are downcast; why? Why do you allow yourself to shut down like that, when I know you can do so much more? Yes, you. You have so much talent potential and willpower. You can do anything if you choose to, because you'll put your heart and soul into it.

Why are you so much like me? When we're told something we thought was right is actually wrong, when we just want to help but it comes across differently, when we need to do something but don't want to do it alone. Even in our attempts at jokes, we're the same. We just want to be appreciated, loved, good enough, because we think we aren't, and we spend so much time assuring each other, "you're more than good enough," so why don't we think so? Why aren't we telling ourselves the same thing and waking up in the morning with a smile on our faces?

Why you?

Why did it have to be you?

(And why did you take off your socks? Was it just because that guy earlier told you they didn't match your outfit, and you always match? You don't need to listen to him or take that to heart. I loved your bright turquoise socks.)

I was writing this on the bus, filled with self-hatred and worry and anxiety about the day, and Through the Dark by One Direction started playing in my music and wow doesn't it feel like they're trying to talk to me.

I don't wanna say much about this actually, so sorry if you wanted a backstory. All I'm giving you is that this should have gone in my other book, Inside My Mind, but it didn't.

The drawing is a random doodle thing I did in class when I should have been writin my essay that's due Tuesday that I won't be able to do much of over the weekend because my grandmother is coming to visit. Perfect.