just write it all out

8

Anything - 01/08/16

You ever get that feeling where you don't feel anything?

And you try to make yourself sad for feeling nothing?

It's like there's this big void in front of you filled with everything you should care about, every person you should love, everything you should want to do. And when you look behind you, there's another big void filled with the sins of your life, the temptation to leave everything you should do and run to the things you want to do, like a dog running to its owner with a ball in their mouth.

If you got there, if you turned and dove head first, or if you faced the problems you were leaving and took a trust fall backwards, you'd still feel nothing. You wouldn't feel as if you should feel guilty for doing nothing, but you'd feel as if you should feel guilty for doing other things. But you still won't care. You still won't feel anything.

It's that feeling that there should be something in your life to make you feel something. If your romantic partner isn't making you feel anything, you must need someone else in order to feel something. If being scolded by your parents isn't making you feel anything, you must get in trouble more in order to feel something. If getting a bad grade isn't making you feel anything, you must see worse grades in order to feel something.

And then you realize it's you. You're the reason you don't feel anything. Because you've spent so long running from emotion that once it finally leaves you, it feels wrong. Or, at least, you know it should feel wrong, but you don't feel anything.

If you're desperate to feel something, just listen to music, finish your homework, go to sleep. You'll wake up in the morning and you'll have your emotions back. You'll feel stressed, and sad, and excited, and anxious, and loving, and you'll be okay.

Hopefully.

Woohoo.

Soap doodles for today, yay!