These Things That We've Done (Kellin Quinn) {Book 2}

Chapter 27. Infinite

Chapter 27. Infinite

~Summer~

The ocean is a beautiful mystery. Once you fall in love with the glorious body of water you become the water itself. The water is forever, as is a kind soul. A soul that is kind is infinite, like the ocean. If I could become a siren and stay in the ocean for the rest of time I would. I would love to spend the rest of my life with River down under the waves, but I can't do that. I have legs and lungs. I was meant to be on land, unlike his soul. As a being with legs and lungs I can't be with River, so I have to let go. 

That's where my new tattoos come in. I got them before driving to the cemetery. I got two that are both ocean related. One is an infinity sign with script under it on my right sleeve since I had room. It's on my inner forearm and says, "You are the ocean… You are infinite…" in black ink. I got it for River. The other tattoo is more for me than anyone else. It represents what I want to be, what my heart wants more than legs and lungs. It's a sirens (mermaid) on my right rib cage, under the script I already had a tattoo of. The siren has my favorite color for the tail and has my hair. Her back is showing and she is sitting on a rock while looking lustfully at the ocean. But no one can see her face so no one will ever know how she's looking at the sea. Except for me, of course, considering she is me. 

Speaking of tattoos, I'm not removing the 'K' tattoo I have on my now ringless finger. Kellin, whose finger is also ringless, is keeping his too. Even if we are divorcing the tattoos remind us of the love we will always share and the past twelve years. Our rings are at home in a jewelry box his grandmother used to own. When Kellin moves back to Michigan he will take the box and his ring. I will be keeping my engagement ring and wedding ring. 

Anyway, back to way I'm in California at a cemetery. I decided that after Beth left I had something to do. Kellin is at home with the twins and Scar, but he's okay be himself. It's Saturday right now. I'll be back tomorrow night. I just couldn't let this deed go undone. It's now or never. 

I sat down next to River's grave. I looked down at the flat stone and admired the beautiful font carved into the rock. I ran my hands gently over the picture of River that was put into his stone and sighed. It's such a beautiful, warm day today. He'd love to be here physically to enjoy it. It's the evening right now, his favorite time of the day. The sun is setting, making the sky gorgeous colors like orange, pink, and yellow. Sunset also marks the end of the day. In an hour the cemetery will be closing. I have to make this quick. 

I sighed before speaking. "Oh Riv… I remember when we were all once so perfect. Everything was everything I ever wanted. All of my widest, most insane dreams were coming true. I thought that for once nothing would go down hill. Everything would be exactly how I wanted it to be. But then everything went wrong and it took me awhile to realize it was my fault. 

"It was like glass when we found out you committed suicide. It was perfect and together, but then it broke into a bunch of different pieces. You could try and glue them back together, but there would forever be cracks and tiny missing pieces in the glass. Or you could get new glass to replace the old glass. To push the memories of the old glass under the bed, never looking under it again. You just couldn't, because you know what's under there. That broken glass you replaced. Nonetheless, it couldn't be fixed. That's what ruined all of us. That's why we didn't even try to be ourselves anymore.

"You are no longer with us physically anymore. You left me just like everyone else. He left all of us to suffer through this. We were mad at you, even though none us would ever admit it. I will, because I know you want me to. Blu… she could no longer be around us, you know? She didn't want anything anymore. She quit out on us. Kellin became distant. Something went wrong and he became so… so fucking distant. Maybe that's what pushed me to someone else. I was warned. I was told this would happen. But did I listen? No. Why? Because before everything, he wasn't distant. And my mom… oh… she was reminded of the past; how other people had left as well. She put on a fake smile and pretended nothing ever happened. I didn't know what to do, besides sit back and watch all my dreams fade away. I woke up. My dreams ended. My nightmares began. We were all fucked up after you died, River. All of us," I said. I was being completely honest, but not with him. He already knew all of this. He's just been waiting for one of us to admit it. I was being honest with myself. 

With my voice shaky and cracking I continued. "At first I was in shock. We all were. Then we developed different feelings. Mine was love. Blu's was hate. Jack's, Jesse's, Justin's, and Gabe's was sorrow. Ian's and Zack's was anger. Kellin's was annoyance. My mother's was happiness. Hers was fake though. Hers was the only fake one. Hers was the only one we wanted to be real. But does it matter now? No. No, it doesn't. And it never will again.

"What happened to you made me so angry. How could I once survive it but you couldn't? I've been there before. I've been so low that I've wanted to die, but I never did. I always wondered why you couldn't make it." I was crying now. I couldn't help it. This was so hard to say, but River was happy that I was finally saying something. I know he was. 

"Sometimes… sometimes I like to think back on the times were things were perfect. Like when I have birth to my first baby, and then my second baby right after. Or when Scarlett became my step daughter for real. Or when Kellin and I got married. Or even right before all of this happened, when we were all a big happy family and nothing could tear us apart. Well, at least that's what we thought. One of my most perfect days was right before I got married, you know? It was the wedding rehearsal, remember? I was practicing for the next day, the day I would get married. So many good things were happening that day. I remember not caring what Kellin thought and being happy that I was pregnant. I remember tripping on the white silk carpet down the aisle, Ian catching me instantly and laughing at my clumsiness. I remember Kellin and I pretending to kiss, making funny kissy faces at each other when the officiant told us to kiss. I remember the fancy dinner we had after that long afternoon. I remember Blu and I secretly writing baby names on napkins throughout the night and discussing how I was going to tell Kellin. I remember when I went outside, my hair blowing in the breeze, and stared up at the stars with Kellin and Scarlett. I remember the shooting star that both Kellin and I wished on. I remember that perfect day so well. But now that's over and I have to make new perfect days.

"Your death has just… changed everything. I'm not the happy person I used to be. I feel unwanted and unloved. The way I've been and the things I've done recently… that's not me. I haven't been dealing with your death the way I should have. You don't deal with suicide by trying to fuck your husband and then going off and cheating when he won't have sex with you. I should have cared more about others than just myself. Instead of getting mad at Kellin I should have done what Matty did; I should have taken him to see a therapist. Maybe then he would be more emotional instead of acting like a brick wall for weeks." Tears clouded my vision, but that's okay. I kept telling myself that River needed to hear this to keep myself speaking. I needed to say it, admit it to myself. 

This part was going to be the hardest of all, but also the easiest. Like I said I have to make new perfect days for myself. I have to start over. I can't do that when this is hanging over my head. "River, I can't do this anymore. I can't keep thinking about you and making the wrong choices. So… this is going to be the last time for awhile that I'll be visiting. I know now that you didn't do this to ruin my life or get attention. I know now a better way to deal with suicide. I need to remember you, not dwell on your death. I love you River. Remember that, okay? And watch over me while I continue on with my life because… I can't stop it just for you. 

"I'm going to fix things. I'm going to try to be friends with Kellin and be a great mother to Della, Allix, and even Scarlett because no matter what she is apart of me. I'm going to continue making music, even if it's by myself, because I honestly can't live without it. I'm going to help undiscovered musicians grow. I'm going to make something of myself and finally be happy because I deserve it after the most hectic life someone could ask for. And… I'm not going to feel so low again that I want to die. I never want anyone to feel like that either," I mumbled. I wiped some tears away and smiled. I stood up from my place in the grass and looked lovingly down at the stone. This is it for awhile. It's hard to believe… 

I began to walk away but just had to turn back. The words that spilled out of my mouth needed to be said, just like all the others. "Oh, and River? Don't think that I will ever be better off without you. You'll always be with me. You are my ocean. You are strong and powerful, but also peaceful. You can't be forgotten. I love you River. Forever and always. You are the ocean… you are infinite."

A/N: So a few chapters ago I told you guys to look out for a lesson to learn. Well, this is it. No matter what you should never end your life. I know you might feel lost inside or like you aren't worth living, but you all are. There are people out there who are going trough a lot. They are starving, dehydrated, parentless, etc. I'm now telling you guys this because your problems don't matter. They do. But those people aren't giving up. They're trying their hardest to keep going. I want you to try too, even if life isn't all that amazing right now. 

I have those days when I'd rather die than go to school or want to kill myself when someone calls me a name. School isn't forever and neither is bullying. You are beautiful just the way you are. Even if you have scars all over your stomach from surgeries, stretch marks on your inner thighs when your only thirteen, have pulled skin on your waist because you wore your skinny jeans too tight and too low, you have love handles, you're whiter than a ghost, and your only five feet tall doesn't mean your ugly. That person I jut described is me. I don't think I'm the prettiest thing around but I know I'm not ugly and I'm wanted around. Love yourself and live your life happy. For me? Thank you. 

I love you all. 

~Calista