These Things That We've Done (Kellin Quinn) {Book 2}

Chapter 19. Roses & Goodbyes

A/N: In this story SWS hasn't released Feel yet. I just wanted to make that clear. Enjoy. 

Chapter 19. Roses & Goodbyes

~Summer~

"Kellin, please come with us," I begged. He shook his head and sunk lower into the couch, cuddling Allix. My mom was in a recliner next to the couch with Della in her arms. Scarlett was on the ground playing with some toys my mom got her. "Why not?" 

"Because I want to stay here with the girls. Go, don't worry about me," he said, not even making eye contact. His voice was so bored. It killed me to see my love like this. Kellin is normal a happy, funny, silly person. Ever since we found out the news of River's suicide he has been emotionless with me. It really hurts, too. Right now I need comfort, especially from y husband. Love is really important right now. I need Kellin to show me some love. 

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my leather jacket from where it bunched up on my mom's coffee table. "Fine. I'm leaving and won't be back for a couple hours. I've got my phone on me so call if you need anything. I gotta walk over go Blu's place," I said. I leaned down so mine and Kellin's faces would be equal with each other. "I love you Kellin," I mumbled. Please say it back…

He pushed his lips to mine for a small peck. He pulled away and looked back at the sleeping baby in his arms. "I'll see you when you get back," he said. He hasn't told me he loves me in a week. It's been the worst week of my life. 

I frowned and walked out of my mother's house. I walked to Blu's which took about ten minutes. Once I got there I said hi to CC and Beau. Blu and I got into her car and she drove us to the cemetery where we would be meeting Ian, Trent, Steve, Aaron, and Zack. We're going to have a little funeral/memorial service of our own for him. One that we know he would like to have. One were we don't have to dress fancy or all in black, tell sad memories, and cry every single second. 

Blu is still very bitter. She is more angry than anyone I've ever seen before. I don't know if she's mad because of the suicide or just the fact that he's gone. I wish she would stop being so angry. It happened. It sucks. It's complete hell. But don't be mad about it. Don't frown because he's gone, smile because he changed our lives. Right?

We parked near the cemetery gates and got out, papers with speeches in our pockets. We all have so much to say to him and so many great memories to remind him of. Our words won't bring him back, but they'll bring him closer. 

Blu and I walked up to the dirt and stone our boys were huddled around. We were the last ones to get here, so we were ready to start. We stood in a circle around River's grave. We admired his headstone before speaking. It was beautiful and carved in cursive were the words "You are my Heaven…" 

Ian cleared his throat and pulled a paper from his back pocket. "Can I speak first?" he asked us. We all gave him an encouraging smile and nodded, even Aaron. Aaron probably wanted to go last. Ian began reading off his paper. "Okay, so umm… I miss you, bud. I never wanted this. I never wanted you to be gone and leave so many questions left unanswered. Why didn't you tell us how you felt? We all thought you were happy. You've always been such a happy dude. Especially on stage. I don't know how things with the band are going to be without you, but we know you'll always be rocking along with us. I remember that smile you had on your face every time we played a show. The fans remember that smile and always will. I'm going to miss that smile like hell when we're on stage. I really hope that you're smiling at us now from wherever you are. I hope you're doing good now. I only want you happy. I love you dude. See you when I'm due."

We looked around the circle. Next to Ian was Zack. He looked ready to speak so we let him. He took out his phone and read the speech he typed in his notes. "Hey Riv. At first I didn't know what to write. It took awhile, but I realized that some things were left unsaid. I had to write about those things. First of all, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry for everything. I wished I was there for you, to stop you from leaving. It wasn't your time. Second, you'll always be my best friend. No one could replace you. I need to make that clear. You have inspired me so much with being yourself and embracing who you are. You never cared about what others thought and now I'm standing here, not caring what others think because you taught me better than that. You'll always be my dude, mentor, band mate, and now the star that watches over me at night. Rock in peace," he said. 

Trent sniffled and held up a piece of paper. His speech. We nodded, letting him go next. "Life is like the ocean You're born into the this big body of water, grow up trying to swim through life, sometimes get pushed down by waves, and in the end you fall asleep and surrender yourself to the sea. River, you've always belonged to the ocean. The water has always been home. I realized it the first time I saw you surf. You never looked happier. The water made you feel peaceful, the sport you were so good at gave you power, and the area gave you a home. It sucks that you aren't here. We all wish you were. But you're where you want to be now, right? Like I said, you belong to the ocean. It's always been your home, your life. Good luck with the water dude, and never let the waves overpower you. You're strong, fight back. Goodbye River. I'll see you someday, I promise." Trent finished his. He looked and me and gave a small smile. 

I sighed and began mine, reading straight from my paper. "My whole life I've dealt with people leaving me and choosing death over me. Over time the pain began to subside and all I felt was numbness. I thought that's what it'd be like now. I thought that I shouldn't care if they don't care about leaving me. River, I've never cared about anything more than this. I never thought I would hurt so bad. And at first I hated you because I thought you broke our promise. You promised to never leave me. You didn't thought. You'll always be with me. I'll always have you on stage with me, playing with my daughters, recording in our studio, and as my best friend. Things aren't going to be the same and they will never be the same. We'll have to learn to live like this, but you'll be there in our hearts to help us grow. Maybe someday we'll catch up and meet again. That day won't be soon, but until then I'll try to be okay for you. Goodbye River. I'll miss you." I didn't cry, but I wanted to. I had to be strong though. For River and my friends. 

"River," Blu muttered, "I'm so mad. I've never been more angry. I felt mad at everyone and everything, even you and me. But I know I shouldn't feel this way. This was no ones fault. I did everything I could and you did everything you could. Nothing could have been done. I keep telling myself that. I can't make myself truly believe it though. I need you to prove it to me. I need a sign or something to show me that what happened wasn't anyone's fault. I need that sign. I can't say goodbye yet, not without it. So I'll say catch you later, because I will. I will…" She broke down and I held her comfortingly. What are friends for?

Steve spoke while I rubbed Blu'a back to calm her down. "When the band first started I felt a little weird. I felt awkward and alone being around all of you guys. You had known each other since you were preteens and I met you all in college. I didn't want to just be your manager and I didn't want to feel left out. You were the first one to reach out to me. You made me feel welcome and happy about being apart of the group. You were always there and I'll never forget that you saved me in my time of loneliness. I wish I could have done the same to you, but it's too late now. I'm going to take what you taught me and tech it to others instead. You taught me everyone needs a hand. You wanted to be mine and I want to be other's. Thank you for being in my life. I have been changed for good." Steve smiled down at the grave and mouthed the words to something. 

Finally, it was Aaron's turn. I know this isn't easy for him, but he tried his best while he spoke. "Before you came along I didn't know what love is. I know what it is now. Love doesn't have a correct and true dictionary definition. Love is indescribable, but I can tell when it's there. I know it's there between you and me because I can't go a day without my soul mate. I know I will never have to because everyday I'll have you. Love is our true destiny. You weren't born to die and neither was I. I was born to love you and I will forever to that. On our wedding day I promised you myself until the end of time. Time isn't ending anytime soon, and neither will my love for you. I'm going to work hard everyday to be who you want me to be. I'm going to keep painting and making art for you. I'm going to laugh with my friends. I'm going to live the way we both wanted because you give me hope. And I promise you this isn't a goodbye. It's a 'good luck' to both of us. I love you with all my heart, River Martinez," Aaron said.

We all gave him a big hug, except for Steve. "I'll be right back." He jogged to his car. When he came back he held two bouquets of roses. One held real red ones. The other was much smaller, only holding three. The three were all fake, but looked real. One was black, one was red, and one was white. He handed each of us a red rose and then he handed the small bouquet of fake ones to me. He winked, signaling that the three were for my family was are also resting in this cemetery. 

We each placed our roses on the grave and mumbled a final goodbye. They all walked away and to their cars, except for me. 

Before leaving the cemetery I walked over to my families graves. Blu waited for me in her car, but I knew she wouldn't want to wait long. I smiled down at the graves. "Take care of him, okay? He's special to me," I said to the loved ones who watch over me. I placed a rose on each grave, all three of them. My brother got the black one, my dad got the red one, and my grandfather got the white. Then I turned away and walked to the car. Before exiting through the gates I turned to give one more look at River's grave. 

A tear escaped my eye and a chuckle escaped my mouth. Goodbye River. Keep smiling for us, okay? Okay. 

A/N: Can I tell you all something? These past few chapter have been really hard for me to write. River's mysterious suicide was inspired by something that happened to me back in January. In no way is this just a story or a character death. With the next few chapter I want to teach you guys something in the hopes that you'll feel better about dealing with suicide then I do. I'm still trying to deal. When the time comes I will tell you what I was trying to teach but for now I want you guys find out yourself. Please, for me? Just take something from the story, okay? Thank you.

Rest in peace, Christine. You are an angel.

~Calista